Calling children.

[RoseA89]

Hi everyone. I’m looking for a bit of advice. My DP has 2 children of his own. He usually sees them a few days a week but because of lockdown, his ex won’t let him see them at all. The plan was that he would call every second day for a video call. However, now, he calls them every day and at the most inconvenient times, ie during dinner, whilst making dinner (leaving me to finish). When making the calls, he gets up and leaves, so I’m not even involved in them. It seems as though he calls them whenever we make plans or are doing something together, leaving me alone. I’m just wondering if anyone is in this situation with their partners/husbands calling their kids like this? I’m not saying I don’t want him to call, but I feel he could be more mindful of when he calls? I said this to him and he blew me off x

How long are the phone calls? Is it the sort of thing where you could just do dinner at a slightly different time if it's say a half an hour chat? Or plan a specific time so you know not to get into something together at that time?

I agree he is being inconsiderate for not listening to your concerns and attempting to do this in a way that didn't keep lumping you with all the chores or leave you hanging in the middle of doing something together. But then in my experience, people have very different opinions on what is and isn't polite on the phone. I'm the sort of person that never rings anyone without texting to check they're free first, and I usually just message, whereas my partner's family ring for any little thing and without warning. My partner is constantly on the phone and will drop whatever we're doing to talk to whoever it is. It would be ok every now and then but it does add up to the point that it annoys me, and I don't think he realises that because to him, it's normal and what everyone he knows does. I can relate to the predicament it leaves you in, though - presuming you are in lockdown together and he is your only company, it's going to mean you spend all your time waiting or alone.

Are you serious? He’s been banned from seeing his own children, but you’re annoyed with him calling them every day? Why tf should he have to check with you if it’s ok for him to speak to his kids? What are you doing that’s so important for him to cause SO much convenience by making a phone call?

@aSofaNearYou it’s a daily phonecall to his own kids! Presumably they’re only young. He’s not leaving the op ‘spending all her time waiting or alone’. And I don’t know anyone who messages their children to check it’s ok to phone first. Or have to ask their partners if it’s convenient for them to speak to their children. It’s a bizarre thing to get upset about and sounds really controlling

OP be proactive.

Ask him what time he wants to call his children and when he gives a time however vague say "OK we will make dinner after that"

Then only start making dinner after he has called them.

@Herpesfreesince03 you sound delightful 🙄 From the sound of the post, he starts cooking dinner/doing something with OP then goes off to make the phone call. I'm not saying he shouldn't ring them, but yes that is a bit inconsiderate. He could easily say "can we do this later I'm ringing the kids in a bit", or ring them before or after he starts cooking. It's not a huge deal, it's just a bit inconsiderate to do it at the times he is doing it.

@Herpesfreesince03 thank you for responding. Step parenting can be very difficult at times, as can blending families. You sound like you understand this.

@aSofaNearYou thank you for your response. You’re absolutely right, I’m glad you can relate! It’s not about controlling, as I’ve said, I don’t want him to not call. However, I do think there are 24 hours in a day, and the calls do not need to take place during the time we have planned. Thank you for replying to me x

@LittleLittleLittle you’re right. I have tried this, but the calls change daily and are usually dictated to by his ex. I thought it would be good to arrange a time and call at this time every day, when it was good for both but DP didn’t seem to agree

I think it’s a bit ridiculous to get upset about him calling his kids because you were cooking together. If you don’t get to spend quality time together each day then complain about that not about the fact he’s calling his children at a time you don’t like. Personally dinner time isn’t what it used to be. We are spending three meals a day together so sitting down to eat dinner has less importance.

@SoVeryLost thanks for your reply. It’s not just that we were cooking together, that’s just one example. Also, we just moved in together and dinner time for us is a sit down meal, no phones. Dinner is our only meal together, even though we are in lockdown, because of work. It’s just whenever we plan to do something together, he goes off

Doesn’t really take 2 adults to make dinner. Maybe he doesn’t want to cook with you?

I would find that annoying as well, just because he’s not seeing the kids he doesn’t need to drop everything. Fair enough if he answered in front of you, included you in the conversation before explaining you were in the middle of something and would call them back later. It’s not like the kids are doing anything all day either is it and you are trying it make it work around schedules.

If the calls are being dictated by his ex then there's no point getting upset at him, he's not in control.

I think you totally missed the OP’s point @Herpesfreesince03.

It’s not about whether he calls the children or not. It’s that he chooses to do it when it’ll get him out of making dinner or when he’s arranged to be doing something with the OP. That’s weird and unnecessary. He could easily call them in all the time that doesn’t involve leaving his partner to eat alone or finish dinner or whatever.

It’s also kind of odd that he’s deliberately excluding you from the calls. When DH calls the DSC, they often ask to speak to me (I don’t interfere in the conversation unless they do ask though).

Can you just ask him when he’s planning to call his DC in advance, @RoseA89? Or is he refusing to do what normal people do and arrange a time?

Tbh, his ex would probably also find it annoying and inconvenient if he won’t agree a time to call in advance, and just calls during dinner etc. DH doesn’t answer when his ex does that (always during dinner), and just calls her back when it is convenient for her to talk to the DSC.

Ah, cross-posts. So it’s that he’s taking the calls and his ex won’t agree a suitable time in advance. That’s shit and he needs to assert some boundaries.

There is no reason why he and his ex cannot agree that he will call them at X o’clock. Even if the X o’clock changes daily, it can be agreed in advance.

@Jamjar18 you’re right, I’m glad you understand, was beginning to feel like the worst person in the world after certain comments! It’s not just dinner, I should have said that from the start. We are both working from home, so we do plan to do things together when we are free. It’s during this that the calls are made, when he has frequent breaks throughout the day when he could call. I have a great relationship with the kids and I do find it odd that I’m not included. Sometimes he will bring the phone in and I get to speak to them briefly, but that’s it. I just think the whole thing is odd x

@ReadilyAvailable couldn’t have said it better myself, thank you. His children do ask for me at times and he will bring the phone in, but apart from that, he closes the door and that’s it. His ex has been a nightmare, so now he just does as she wants and doesn’t rock the boat x

There is a real issue with people failing to see that a SP is doing their best to maintain their self worth and bend over backwards at the same time to accommodate an extended family picture. Asking for some consistency is not unheard of and strictly speaking OPs OH can make those calls before or after, not during activities that need to be done, like cooking. If the DSC call that is one thing, it is completely different when he is the one calling. SPs have a tough enough time without being vilified for wanting things like consistency in their lives! The children come first, there still needs to be a balance so it works for everyone whilst maintaining the children's bests interests.

@whirlwinds thank you so much for your post. You’re right, step parents are often vilified even though they are doing their very best. A lot of the time, SP have to put their own feelings and wants aside and just put a smile on! I thought it would be good to have a designated time to call, giving consistency to both the children, their mum, my DP and myself. However, it appears DO doesn’t think so.

It sounds like he needs to put much better boundaries in place with his ex @RoseA89. It is the only way to deal with a difficult ex - they just get worse and worse otherwise.

I’d suggest that he sends her a formal email suggesting a regular schedule for phone contact. He can outline that it is best for the children, as they can anticipate when they’ll be speaking to their dad and it ensures he’s always able to give them his full attention during the call. If she refuses to agree, then contacting a mediation service is probably the way to go about it. The more reasonable he is (and in writing), the harder it is for her to not look like an arsehole.

@RoseA89 thats ok, I hate on these boards that steps parents get slagged off and criticised constantly for daring to have an opinion. I’m a step mother too and it’s really hard.

@ReadilyAvailable I agree, and I’ve said that frequently. His ex can be very manipulative though, lying to police etc and so he now just goes along with what she’s says. They’re on good terms but but I reckon it’s because he does as she wants. Even though they’re divorced she will ask for things like toys to be sent to her house and he does it! I’ve stopped saying anything because I can’t bear it. I agree about the time though, I’ll speak to him about that again x

@Jamjar18 I’ve never posted on a step parenting board before and I’m not sure I will again! I wasn’t expecting nasty comments, just looking for some advice. Step parents really do have it tough, I’d have thought that it would be mostly step parents looking and responding to posts like my own, people who could relate. That’s why I posted, but obviously not! X

In that case, it’s even more important that he’s firm and formal in all his dealings with her.

Putting things clearly in writing and outlining the request for a clear agreement in terms of the children’s needs and interests is the best way to deal with things. It makes it more difficult for the ex to lie and cause trouble.

It’s hard though, if you’re dealing with an ex who will make trouble. I can understand why he’d want to take what looks like the path of least resistance. It never works in the long term though.

OP both your DP and his ex don't have the best interest of the kids in mind.

By the kids having a routine it makes them feel safe and secure.

Get him to send the email as suggested, see if he tries to get it agreed to and how long that agreement lasts

Then carefully watch and workout if he is doing this with the kids in other areas of their life after lockdown has ended. If so, and he refuses to stand up to his ex particularly in establishing a contact routine with them then you need to leave.

I went through this and so have lots of other people. In my case it was my DP's ex who wanted control over contact and communication with DP DC. There as in some other of cases of straight couples it is the father who can't be bothered with sticking to a routine.

The long term result is it either ends up in Court with a Child Arrangements Order - and some can be really specific - or the father loses contact with the children as soon as they can show a choice as they can't be bothered with his irregular contact.

My response would be if he goes to make a call while dinner is being prepared, you stop making it and do it together when he gets off the phone.

If he makes a call during dinner, get up and walk away. Then make a call to your own friends or family.

Or you could raise the issue with him.

Op my dh’s 3 kids are early 20’s now and don’t live with us. He FaceTimes them at least twice a day each. So that’s 6 a day, which along side business calls and calls to other family members leaves hardly any time for me or my kids who live with us.

I totally understand you. But people who have had no experience of step parenting won’t, they just won’t think it’s a big deal. I would imagine the problem isn’t the calls so much, or even the inconvenience, it’s more the feeling of being way down the list of his priorities.

Sure, his kids come first if they’re young. But that shouldn’t mean he should belittle whatever it is he is doing with you at the time by so obviously showing that nobody else bar his children is of importance.

Dh and I have many times been sharing a romantic dinner on holiday when one of his adult kids calls. I see red as I know that if dh calls when they are eating, they just say “speak later”. Why can’t dh say the same? He now knows phones off at table or I will just walk out.

If you are working from home you have many more hours to plan to do things together over the the time he has a phone call with his children. Why is dinner the only meal you have together?
It doesn’t sound like he’s doing it on purpose.

I’m not anti SP but I do think it is important to realise that it’s a crazy time for the children. His ex might not be driving the time, it might be the children. I don’t think having strong boundaries over times he can and can’t speak to his children at this point is reasonable. I get it’s annoying, phone calls are happening here at tidy up time so I’m left tidying up.