Hi this may sound a bit complicated but I have an issue.
Divorced after long marriage from abusive husband in 2016, adult stepdaughter was also treated badly but I protected her from it as much as I was able, she left in 2014 to live with mum. The night I was assaulted she called the police and I will always be grateful. Her relationship with her dad suffered and she took my side during divorce.
When I found a new partner we stopped talking as she had all the expectations that I would still do all the things I always had such as be her guarantaur (she trashed the place and left me with 3k debt), or pay for her driving lessons (went out the night before failed). She continues to behave in risky destructive ways and is incredibly messy and lazy.
Flash forward 3 years shes 23. We still have a good relationship but the lines are always blurred between friendship, mother and daughter. In December 2019 my marriage (new) was starting to fail. We met up and she offered to help out and said she wanted to move in and relocate. I don’t know what possessed me to agree to this. But I did.
We agreed that as she would be coming as an adult she needed to pass her driving test, have a job ready and contribute each month. She failed her test twice more.
My husband left and it’s kicked me hard. I’m still in family court against stepdaughters father and he continues to ruin my life. We have two children together aged 10 and 13. These are is a lot going on and my plate is full.
Just before quarantine started I began to think her coming wasn’t a good idea. I remembered how lazy messy and bossy she was and that she likes to drink and see lots of boys. We have had a number of pregnancy scares. She called me must have sensed the door was closing and said she was terrified about the virus and would I go get her. I guess I was too kind again and forgot how awful she was to live with. I’ve been through so much I just can’t do it. So she arrived with suitcase. The house she was in moved someone in immediately which was telling. She’s a drain on all resources and follows me around the house while I study and clean (does no cleaning) and leaves a pile of trash and her stuff wherever she goes. It turns out she’s just not developed from 17.
She has her mum (whi doesn’t want her to live there and her dad - my ex husband who doesn’t even speak to her). I’m saddled with this person who wants to be cared for like she’s 14 and I’ve reached a point where I cannot bear it. She’s not my daughter and nevertheless doesn’t respect me as a mother or even as the house owner. She’s not overly bad but that’s only because she’s in lockdown. She hasn’t given the contribution she agreed financially.
Everyone I have asked has said pack her case and drive her to her mums. I am in a state of fear of what she will do and she’s already helped herself to drink in the house and trashed her room through her normal behaviour as a slob. Makeup on the floor and curtains hanging off.
I want to do what my counsellor advised. I doubt she will be surprised she’s been thrown out everywhere she lives but she might be surprised it’s quarantine and she’s still messed it up and asked to leave. Of course our relationship will be damaged, maybe forever but I don’t think with all that is going on here I can take it. I care for her but she wants from me I cannot give. I’ve already brought her up and put her first for years. When she launched into blaming me for her fathers behaviour the other night as she’s not done anything to deal with it that was too much.
So do I ask her to pack her stuff and drop her on the mothers doorstep? I feel bad to do it but all I see are more problems.