At what point do you opt out?

[Drawingaline44]

I am very confused at the minute.

In step-mum territory which I never particularly anticipated, mostly it’s ok. Apart from DSS2 and his Mum.

For context, there are 3 DC involved in this scenario, everything with the other 2 fine.

DSS2 though, not so much, it seems that DPs ex wants to make things as difficult as possible, and this whole lockdown situation has just added to it really.

The other DCs are going back and forward between each parents as normal-ish. DSS2 though isn’t. Mum wants to keep him with her, this I have no issue with, it’s their choice between them, we’d love to see him, but if she doesn’t want him to then ok. But I don’t believe it really is the case as she has said DP can see him there, so it defeats the whole point of keeping him separated if DP is going to see him anyway, having seen me, my DC and his other DC, so he may aswell just come round!?

This isn’t the first thing she has done to manipulate things to be exactly as she wants and to be honest I’m mainly annoyed she is doing it but also that DP won’t address the issue and just goes along with it. I get he wants to see his DC and have no issue with that at all. Just fed up with it constantly bringing up barriers with the ex making him jump through hoops, and him jumping.

I feel like I have reached the conclusion of the fact this won’t change, he will continue jumping through the hoops and she will keep creating them. So I’m wondering do I just opt out of this relationship, it would be a real shame as in all other ways it’s good, but for this to go on inevitably, I just don’t think I can go with that. AIBU?

Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. From your post it sounds as though you’re resigned to feeling this way, which must be pretty upsetting.
Regarding DSS2, how was the relationship with him/you/your DP before lockdown? Do you have contact via Skype, FaceTime or whatever while he’s not visiting you? I would say do your best to contact him that way and reassure him that you’re missing him and really looking forward to seeing him soon.
How long have you and your DP been together? Do you live together?

Have you been talking to him? What is his point of view and how he is explaining why he is jumping through the hoops?
Maybe he doesn't see you have an issue?

Thanks for the reply. The relationship hasn’t been easy due to restricted contact anyway, he hasn’t been visiting too long as the idea was to take it slow and let him adjust. However it was just I would say in the past month before this, become good, he had just started asking for me and wanting to spend time with me. So that is something else going through my mind, is that it will be effectively starting again. And that’s hard as previous to that, I very much felt like a bit of an intruder in my own home when he visited as I felt he didn’t want me, or my child around, which was difficult for everyone involved.
I am having 0 contact with him, as is my child and DPs other child, the only person seeing him is DP. I don’t think DP has considered this at all, will have in regards to his other child, but not me or mine - I haven’t even brought it up as I don’t see the point, he won’t get it. I get the most important person for him to see is DP, but it we are sticking together, given the relationship has taken so long to build anyway, in my view it would be important but that’s my opinion.

There is no way that his ex would allow me or my child to skype/FaceTime and I know DP wouldn’t even have that conversation with her or ask because it would bother her, so he just wouldn’t.

I just can’t help wondering whether it’s worth continuing with the whole relationship to always have issues with this particular subject and never be able to just relax and get on with our life. If mine and DPs view was the same on it, that would be different but I don’t think it is, he will always bend over backwards to do as she requests no matter what, and I can honestly never see me having a good relationship with DSS purely because she will do anything she can to keep him away and DP just goes along with it

Oh and we have been together for around 4 years and yes we live together

So tricky OP. This situation is bringing our the very worst in some people. No advice really except I know from experience it’s so hard when your ex is being difficult re access to your child. It tears you apart so I do feel for your dh. These things are so complex .

How old is DSS2?

I have attempted to talk about it and been quite open and honest, but it is often met defensively. He understands it’s an issue because I have been honest and haven’t hidden it because I wanted to talk it through.

The thing is, I understand that’s it’s hard when access is difficult, but jumping through hoops will only escalate in my experience, and you have to be a bit tougher sometimes and hope the other parent realises what’s best for the child.

Really I just want him to talk to me about it, and include me in discussions instead of jumping on the defensive all the time. It feels very separated, this one family and then someone extra, and that’s not right for DSS2 either. He is 8.

Maybe she meant he could come and they could speak outside 2m from eachother or through the front window?

Hi, OP, my brain is complete mush atm so I'm struggling to understand!

DP has 3 DC?

You have DC and you plus your DC live together with DP. So let's say 4 of you in the house?

Then DP's DC are continuing contact and staying over but it's only 2 of them. I don't understand why his Ex will let the older one and the younger one come over but not the middle child? Am I missing something?

I'm trying to work out the dynamics, you have one child and your partner has two by different mums? If that's the case she could just feel like it's too much movement between houses. But I may have got the children's respective parents wrong!

Yes 2 different mums. I have 1, he has 2.

Unfortunately not 2m from the window, he goes round to see him, as normal, cuddles, kiss goodbye etc as normal, so defeats the object, which is my point and why I think it’s a case of manipulating rather than genuine concern. If she said FaceTime only/through window etc that would be different entirely. It’s just to cause disruption and problems IMO, and it’s not the first time or first thing.

I’m almost past bothering with it, this is the thing, I kind of get why DP goes along with some things, but it’s more the realisation that this is it then? I have to just live with this forever? And do I even want to?

But I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable with what I was thinking, it’s hard not being able to get the same outside perspective with friends etc as stuck in.

I wouldn't end things over this one thing but then it sounds like you are at the end of your tether generally. With your step son being 8 you do have the possibility that as he becomes a teenager he will be more in charge of organising his own contact and the ex will have less involvement. But you're not unreasonable for not feeling the relationship is worth waiting that long for it to stop being an issue, only you can decide that.

It sounds like the main issue is the lack of communication from your partner and the defensiveness when you do talk. I would probably think about approaching it from that angle and telling him that you understand the situation is difficult and complicated, but the way he acts about it is making you question the relationship and that needs to change for it to work.

Do his 2 children actually know each other well and get on?

It does sound strange that he can see his DS at her house, but won't allow him to visit his dad.

I think any reason is a good enough reason to end a relationship if you're not happy and if it won't change.

Thanks and that’s good advice and what I will Give a go. And yes his 2 children are very close, so I also think it’s very unfair that they can’t see each other in this given the circumstances.

I do just think it’s a manipulation thing, not sure he sees it the same way, but we have different perspectives on it I guess.

Ah, thanks for clarifying, OP. That must be really frustrating as one ex seems to be cooperative and sends that DC but the other is being difficult and I agree, manipulative!

I would brake up with him over it but i'd be really cross about this situation and say so to DP!

@lunar1 I think you’re right.

We are having the same issue @Drawingaline44 have a look at my thread “DP’s Ex trying to drive a wedge between us”

My SC’s mum is allowing DP to go and see the kids and take them for walks etc but she won’t let them come to our home because of me and my DCs.
Honestly, even after explaining to her that by letting DP still see them then they will have been exposed to us anyway, she doesn’t seem to get it. I’ve come to the conclusion she is either frighteningly thick or being deliberately obtuse. Neither bodes well for us in the long term though

Comforting to see it’s not only me, but also annoying it’s not only me!

This has been explained to this ex also. But I know she isn’t frighteningly thick, so this is why I am saying it’s obtuse too. Leaves everyone stuck in the middle

I can see two huge red flags:
First: He is able to set boundaries with one of the mothers but not with another one (second partner I guess?). That shows that he could have healthy boundaries, he is capable to set them but he is choosing not to. He wants to have relationship with her when you are excluded (go to her house without you, spend time with her without you, have friendly conversations, when you are made to sit in the car, away and out of site).
Second red flag:
you wrote: "I do just think it’s a manipulation thing, not sure he sees it the same way, but we have different perspectives on it I guess."
If you two have different perspectives about so important, crucial part of your life and he is choosing to side with his ex instead, then you don't have a partnership. You are sharing the house, duties and you are a much needed help in the house but not a partner. With a partner we are setting out goals together and supporting each other. And both, not only the new GF has to bend backwards to "not be on ex-partners way to have a relationship with your BF". That is absurd.
Answer to your question: Yes, sooner or later you have to op out, if you have any self respect. Its not the only option of course. Some woman are very happy to take a house made, unpaid childminder, financial support and sex worker role for a divorced man and will live with him(and moan and pitch about their life in mumsnet) and will accept that they are never respected or treated as an equal partner.