Step-parenting adopted child with 50/50 care arrangement

[jenZ3]

Looking to connect with anyone who may be in a similar position to me.. Being a step-parent, sharing custody 50/50, and parenting an adopted child is all new to me and while I can find posts/ articles on the challenges of each of these 3 circumstances separately (and thankfully do have therapy which helps), I have been unable to find anything / anyone with experience of managing shared care and step-parenting an adopted child.. and would love to connect with anyone in the same/ similar boats..

Just let me get this straight: do you mean that your DP adopted a child but then separated from the other adopter, and now shares care 50/50? And he then formed a relationship with you?

Yes. My husband and his ex-partner adopted after two rounds of IVF when step-daughter was 8 months old and then separated when she was 3. He and I met when she was nearly 6 and married and moved in together with my teenage daughter this year (my step-daughter is now nearly 9).. They were doing 1 week each then changing over but since Sept we have her for 2 weeks then she goes to her mums for 2 weeks and then back to us etc.. (but still seeing the other parent a couple of times a week).. complicated ey?

No advice but not sure why it makes a difference that she's adopted Sorry if I'm missing something.

Of course it makes a difference Marlena, the child is a lot more likely to struggle with attachment issues for a start.

Yes - attachment difficulties exacerbated by her adopted parents separating and adapting to a new family.. managing with loss of birth mum and separation from adopted mum and dad every two weeks and coping with new step-mum and step-sister who she now has to share her dad with.. its a lot for all of us

Sorry for the confusion - i changed my username..

Because parenting can adopted child can be completely different to parenting a child who hasn’t been adopted. Not always, but sometimes. I’m not going to go into what and why as the OP clearly realises this.

I am not a step-parent, but have read loads of useful advice from other adopters on the adoption board here - might be worth posting this there too.

Without meaning to sound patronising it’s great that you have recognised how adopted children may have complex emotional needs and want to make sure you get things right.

Ok fair enough, I understand. I just have many adopted friends and the ones with issues were mainly adopted older. I get that it it varies with each child though.

I think you will get more helpful replies in adoption on here op. The ladies there are VERY knowledgeable and helpful

As she was adopted at such a young age, I expect she would have similar issues as children who aren't adopted and whose parents split up.

Does she know she's adopted? I know these days they have to be told.

Does she present in a way that causes you concern? I mean more than a child her age would.

My experience of this is as a Senco supporting the child in a similar scenario. Child was adopted as a baby. Parents then split when she was about 4. Shared custody 50/50 weekly change over. Mum then became addicted to prescription meds and sectioned a couple of times. Dad met new woman who had a child already. They went on to have a child together. Step mum does a great job trying to include child fully but child has massive attachment issues and now has an EHCP for SEMH. Child spends most of their time at school in our Nurture unit.

Play therapy from a trained therapist has been very helpful and we also have a school counsellor whom the child sees weekly. I think even if your child isn't exhibiting any issues, accessing play therapy/ counsellor would be very useful.

Thanks all. My step-daughter does have regular therapy due to her emotional difficulties / attachment difficulties and was supposed to be starting relational therapy with her adopted mum before lockdown to try to work through the escalating (and at times worrying verging on dangerous) difficulties in their relationship. Her mum struggles to assert any boundaries or to take control and my step-daughter has been violent towards her and destructive often breaking things to take control and exhibiting very defiant and controlling behaviour (and at times her mum slapped her back which caused my husband and I huge worry and anxiety.. we managed to get her to agree with the support of the therapist to make a referral to social care for help for her but no additional support was provided probably because shes engaging with the therapy for her daugther). My husband and I really feel my step daughter needs the stability and consistency of one home during weekdays to help her make friends and build self-esteem and learn and that we would be more able to help her if she were here but her mum won't consider it and in fact would rather pass her back and forth more often which seems to me to be more about her own emotional needs (and feelings of shame and guilt) than the complex and urgent needs of her daughter.

No matter what my husband and I do to establish consistent routines and boundaries it feels futile since this is undone when she goes back to her mums and we have to start all over again 2 weeks later with door slamming, shouting, constant need for attention, dishonesty, taking treats without asking and generally sabotaging most fun times almost to provoke negative reactions. Because her relationship with her mum is so fragile/ disturbed she is incredibly dependent on her dad and when she is with us the household feels as though it divides back to him and his daughter and me and mine. She clearly feels very threatened by me since my daughter and i get to live with her dad the whole time whereas she goes back to her mums and misses him terribly and I can't / done blame her but am really struggling to keep my cool and invest the energy required. The whole situation is so difficult for all of us and my 17 year old daughter recently started therapy in part because of the impact of us moving away from family and friends so we could be near to my stepdaughters mum and make the shared care possible but also partly due to how upsetting all this is for her (and causes her to hide away in her room for some peace). My husband is also now in therapy partly due to the strain of this and so am I but the only one who is resistant to getting any help for her own difficulties and seems to take a passive and child-like approach and frustratingly remains quite dependent on my husband often asking him to do things for her that have nothing to do with their daughter. I am sure she feels terrible guilt about ending the relationship after having adopted a child who already exhibited worrying attachment difficulties and couldn't settle and I think if she was honest with herself she probably knows she doesn't have the capacity to manage this therapeutic parenting.

I suppose my biggest worry/ fear is if we can't help her with this stuff before she hits adolescence because of the 50/50 shared care and her behaviour is likely to escalate further.. and then there is the whole question of identity and finding birth family and pushing back against us and maybe towards more risky / dangerous behaviours. I want to be able to help her now so she is in a good place then and am beginning to feel really worried for my relationship if we can't and if we just have to stand by and watch things get worse and worse.

Sorry but thank you for the rant