Help - I feel resentful toward SD!

[jojo38]

Hello all.
I have 2 biokids (sons) and 2 skids - sd and ss.Thankfully they do get on like a house on fire for the most part.

SD is now 18. Lives with her mother and ss. She spends alot of time with her boyfriend who only lives round the corner from us. BM has her problems I admit, but over the years she has made our lives and the lives of her own children hell. We have had to pick up the pieces of her failing relationships and her taking it all out on SD and SS. SD has been on the Social services list for many a year as she has invented fantasy stories about her father - trying to hate him, accusing him of all sorts of vile things. SS was taken out of school because my children went there. We have worked it out in the end and have done the best for SD and of course, DH loves her - as he should so all is forgiven in that respect. When DH was still married to BM, he was a high earner. No one went without. Private schooling, flash cars, nice home etc. Unfortunately he was forced to give all that up and when that happened, BM divorced him... there was no more happy shopping sprees or fancy holidays, private schooling turned into state schooling and BM resented it all. Unfortunately BM went downhill fast after DH left. She has been a real madam in the past (and still is to an extent) We try to "protect" all the children from our past mistakes and horrors but in this case we seem to have failed miserably.

SD is beginning to be so much like her mother. We never see her, even though she spends alot of time with BF at his parents home - a 5 min walk away from us. The only time we/DH hears anything from her is via a phone call - when she wants money.
DH does maintain his children but has to give the money to SD otherwise BM spends it on herself. SD gets an extra allowance from DH of nearly £100/month towards college, books, food, travel etc. She is now demanding more!! She had a little part time job... she has given that up. Just like BM - BM will never work as she believes it is below her.
DH buys shoes and clothes for SS school etc... as well as the maintenance money (I don't resent that tho).

I admit that I do not "work" at the moment as I had to give it up to care for my elderly, disabled mother... I do get an allowance from the government (such as it is) but every little helps.

I get no other benefits excluding childbenefit. I get nothing from my ex in way of maintenance. BM gets it all and some backhanders to boot. I am resentful of her, naturally but I am finding my resentment falls more toward SD and I do not like the way it feels.
SD gets more and she wants more all the time. She never thanks us for the gifts that she gets either. I had to put my foot down over DH buying and maintaining a car for her! That didn't go down too well but it had to be done! DH is frightened to say no, incase she distances herself.. how much more distant can she make herself??? SS(9) has been given a mobile phone
My own children are clothed out of the charity shops - which I add, are great! My 14yo is in size 14 shoes and is 6ft 1. It gets expensive just buying shoes. I get very little in the way of help for my own children. My mother helps all she can - just as well, otherwise they would go without thanks to SD!!

I am sorry to rant. I expect it is a little overdramatic but thanks for "listening".

oh jojo38. my sister sounds just like your sd, she is 18, spends probably every day at her bf's parents house. she might as well move in. for the past two years she has been taken money off mum although she had a job, and was out of work for 9 months (her own fault) and mum cant say no. i feel resentful to her as well as im struggling whilst she gets her car insurance paid for her and doesnt have to pay any keep to mum, but when i was there had to pay £150 a month! i dont have any advice or anything constructive to say, but just wanted to say i know how you must feel. hugs. xxx

Jojo - I can relate to so much of this!! I think a lot of step family dynamics are played out through time (as in arrangements, and time spent together) and money (dp will NEVER give SD enough, that's just how it is). SD is nearly 17, has never worked and doesn't seem to have any intention of doing so. Her BM has problems too and they don't get on. All sorts of people (family, friends, professionals) have commented that SD has clearly been brought up with all of BM's resentments and they are becoming more and more apparent. I work full time (am on mat leave at the mo) and BM has never worked a day in her life. That is viewed as it being alright for me as I have an income and as such dp and I should cough up for most things. Argh!!

Sorry, rambling here. All I can say is that these things are very difficult. It's very hard to watch so much money go out of the door sometimes. I could list all sorts of unfair things (BM and SD holiday abroad but we can't afford to, they have a much bigger flat etc etc) but I only make myself unhappy when I focus on them. What I do have is a fantastic relationship with a man I love dearly and this is just part of that package. It's not always easy to accept (far from it!) but, in that odd way, reading posts like yours really, really help as I don't feel like I am the only one!!

Hiya beansprout. Thanks for the message. Seems like I'm not the only one either!
I feel like a right cow at times and I hate feeling like it.
She is so transparent. She phones and speaks so sickly sweetly.... oooo helllooooo can I speak to daddy? - ARRRHHHHHHGGGHHHH. I just want to ram the phone where the sun does't shine!! (sorry). She doesn't call to say hello. She wants money. We just haven't got it this month. DH's company shareholding is up the creek thanks to a "trusted" partner so none of us have the cash to wave about.
Her boyfriend lives round the corner from us... she spends a lot of time there - we never see her, unless its' to collect money or loan of the tent...and really and truly, I don't mind. The further away from me, the better.
The thing I mind is that she is playing her father for a patsy. I am so disgusted that she treats her father this way. I respected my father and loved him dearly. Yes, I could always ask him for things and he would oblige but he would never ever just give - He was one of these people who would help anyone but there had to be a specific reasoning and an idea of how that person/people would be able to help themselves. IE Not a walk-over.
She has almost ruined DH. She wrote a letter which I accidentally found on my pc... yes, it was accidental! I promise. It said things like, "I watched my sister die in hospital after he pushed her down the stairs!..." "I can't cope with him anymore..."
I found this thing and I panicked... I didn't know what to do... so I called "child-line" and asked them. In the end I had to tell DH. He was so deflated, shocked. I think it could have finished him off. We called in social services where we found out that she was already on the "fantasy" list on their records. This too was a shocker.
SD doesnt' have and never has had a sister. DH would rather cower in the corner than raise his voice, let alone a hand to his kids.
It was "worked out" that she was making this story up to try and hate her father... I suppose to make some sort of sense of what has happened in her life. BM is the typical Bio from hell. Unfortunately SD is exactly the same...
I am glad we don't see her... I really am. I'm so so sorr for DH. I could see this coming years ago. He is only now working it out for himself.
Arghhhh... SS is another story... I will post that in another thread... it has got to be said.
Thanks again ladies... {{{HUGS}}}

Jojo - again, I identify with so much of what you have said. I often find myself having feelings that I think no "nice" person should have, but I seem to have them anyway, and boy do I struggle as I know I make myself very, very unahppy sometimes.

That stuff about the letter is amazing, but again, similar here. SD is currently trying to make herself homeless so she can get housed by the Council/a HA and yet she has 2 options (here or her mums) where her cooking/cleaning etc are all done. She rang dp the other day to tell him that if social services call he MUST tell them he hasn't seen her and yet he took her out to dinner only a few days before. She is refusing to come over at the moment. We are expecting a baby (any day now) but we have gone from her being very excited and coming to the 20 week scan to her yelling at me that we have no right to have the baby, that he will leave me etc etc. I realise completely that seeing her dad having another family is very hard but we v much want to find a way forward and she won't have anything to do with us (apart from money etc). I feel she has finally found a way to punish him and boy is it working, but it's making a lot of people very unhappy. There are no easy answers here. I appreicate that there are some complex issues here but watching them being played out in such a crude way is very difficult sometimes.

I also find the whole "you don't count as you are not my mum" approach v hard, esp when heavily preg. We all count and have to find a way of dealing with the situation we find ourselves in.

Ho hum... I don't think these things are ever resolved, we just seem to go through phases. Such is family life!!!

Ahh thats terrible beansprout... is dp/dh really going to lie for sd?
You need his support for new baby comin along... not havin his mind taken away by selfish sd. I am so sorry that this is happening for you. I am not sure if I am cut out to be a sm. Havn't done a good job so far. Not even sure that dh realises how I feel...
I just want to step back, not be a step... I feel like a whipping post or a doormat on that step... surely things are better for others... how can I stop all this resentment happening? I don't want to feel like this anymore.
Thanks for your support beansprout... and all... it is good to let it all out at times... this might just be it for me tho. Not sure I want to be a step parent anymore... I get it in the neck every time... surely I have a choice to be happy too?
{{{Hugs}}} and some tears...

I so sympathise. I know we are not the only one that find the situation difficult but for my part, I really find this THE most difficult aspect of my life. We are on the receiving end of all the difficult dynamics but we don't really play a part. There is a lot to step parenting that requires you to be unconditionally supportive of all involved, but, not being a bio parent often means we lack the instinctive stuff that keeps parents going in difficult situations.

People have said to me "you knew the set up before you got involved" but not having had experience of the set up, how could I really know how it would all feel? I had good intentions but they haven't turned out to be enough. All we can do is keep trying our best, and my "best" has been shocking at times, but then again, the reality is, that's true of everyone in all sorts of circumstances - stand up please the perfect partner, daughter, sister etc - but this one by far and away gives me the most guilt.

I also really identify with your head coming up with various situations.... oh the arguments I have "thought through" standing in the shower.....! Thanks for your honesty and support Jojo, it helps a lot.

I thank you for letting me rant on. I am sorry if I have gone on too much... just it is such a timely situation point with me and I get on my soap box.It helps to let it all out and to get feedback. Most of all, your words are comforting to and I realise that I at least share some of the difficulties there are in being a stepparent. Thanks so much... it is a long road we take and I know I have a long way to go.