Unsure of how to feel with step parenting

[Dusty12]

Hi all, I am new to writing a thread on here and needed some advice as unsure who to turn to. I have been in a new relationship where my OH has 3 kids and I have 1 son. This is fine and I get on great with them but after comments tonight I am unsure on how to take it and feeling a bit pushed out. My OH does make me feel included and my son but when all of us and kids are together I feel overwhelmed. The eldest step daughter said tonight she was jealous of me due to him ignoring her and it all being about me. I have said that through the day and evening I do jobs etc and make myself busy so they get alone time with their dad and I purposely will sit on another sofa so they can sit next to him and cuddle him. However when we try to have a private conversation even if 2 mins it is as the eldest has to know everything and if I have been on the phone or my farther to my son has messaged she has to know what I was doing and what was said etc. I have been cleaning and sorting all kids out while he is playing on his phone or Xbox and feeling a bit used. He also likes to have a drink on a night and normally will have 2 bottles of wine on a night to himself and the time we would get to take he then falls asleep due to the wine. I am feeling so overwhelmed and I feel if I bring it up I sound petty and pathetic. There is a 14 year difference. I love him so much but not sure what to do.

This is a new relationship & I'd guess it's infatuation rather than real love that you're feeling. It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of this compared to him. 2 bottles of wine for him a night while you take care of the cleaning & kids - his kids. What's your living arrangements? Are you living together already & if so in whose home? What are the financial arrangements for the household? You & your son deserve much better than this.

He's an alcoholic.
Bin.
Your poor kid.

Two bottles of wine a night... oh my!
What age is the oldest step-daughter? Children are really nosey don’t take it personally.

Yes, I'd be quite concerned about 2 bottles of wine. You, mean like every night??

She is probably just a typical child. But you look after them while he pissfarts around doing whatever he wants? Not ok. When you marry a man without children it can be hard to see if they are going to be a terrible dad but this one comes with a neon sign ‘am a shit dad’.
And as for drinking two bottles of wine a night- he’s an alcoholic, far too hard and not your problem to take on. I’d move on.

Hi OP.
As for the stepchildren, I’ve been where you are - doing all the cleaning and sorting out the kids. My DH’s eldest DD has admittedly always been jealous of mine and DH’s relationship. She always wanted to know what we were talking about, always had an opinion and thought she ruled the roost. She has put a huge strain on the relationship over the years but I tried and tried.
If I could turn back the clock I would have maintained a bit of distance and left DH to manage his own kids when they stayed with us. I was too nice and obliging and it got
me nowhere. I’ve now completely disengaged from my SC which is sad but I had to do it for my own mental health. Step-parenting can be a thankless task.
Prioritise time with your son. Let your OH parent his own kids.
The alcohol consumption is very concerning. It’s bordering dependency.
If neither situation improves, you and your son may be better off without the lot of them.

Thank you for all your comments. Due to the lockdown we are living together. I do really love him but concerned. He is amazing with my son and I can't knock him on this one bit. I am concerned about the drinking and is this something I try to bring up? We work for the same company and known him for over 7/8 years and did work closely with him for some time and still do slightly now but both moved to be managers. Do I talk to him regarding the SC and what they said? I came out of a really controlling relationship from my ex husband but my OH now is amazing and does treat me well when it is just us or us and my son. He changes when his kids are around and don't understand it. There are parts he is an amazing dad but I feel a bit used with it all at the moment

Too much too quick, can't understand why you would move him in and you have now also increased the covid risk to yourself and DS by not only moving him in but having his kids visit.

He's an alcoholic.

It doesn't matter that you love him. It doesn't matter if he's a good person. He drinks too much and this will affect both his health and your relationship. Are you willing to deal with that long term? Google healthy alcohol intake and see how he stacks up.

He's an alcoholic, put your son first, why get into another destructive relationship?

I think you swopped one dud for another, when it comes to men.

Can you not be on your own at all for a while, rather than being with an alkie pair of trousers?

I feel so sorry for your son.

I can see why the lockdown fast tracked the moving in. Can you have a discussion with him about parenting his children? Suggest you take some time off, go for a walk with your child when they are next here. And ask if he drinks this much every night. He will get defensive but you just want to know if it’s this much every night. If he can parent his children well on his own and is happy to, AND He doesn’t drink this much every night maybe you can work on it, but you must be honest about your concerns. If you can’t go three nights a week without alcohol at all, you are an alcoholic.

Why would you move your child in with an alcoholic?

* . Due to the lockdown we are living together. I*

No, the lockdown didn’t force you to very quickly blend two families, the children of which hardly know one another presumably if a new relationship.

You rushed a new relationship and now have four children living together (did you move in and he move in) with almost strangers who themselves are in a new relationship. Totally unfair

Yes you’ll say I’m judgey.
I am judging. Lockdown did not force you in to this decision. You and your new partner made a decision.
This girl probably feels very unsettled.

And you’ve put your own child in to an environment with an alcoholic.

Op, if I were you - I’d move back home

Sounds like you have discovered who he really is?? Get yourself single again and work on yourself to realise your worth and put your kid first. You don't need to be with anyone and if you do happen to date someone they should be there to enrich your life not make you feel like crap.
It doesn't matter how much you love him he isn't the person he portreyed himself to be.

you moved a relative stranger into your home just so you could get a shag?
YOU don't actually know this guy, your child especially doesn't.
You're NOT a step-parent....you're the new girlfriend and you're only living together because of the lockdown.....

It's madness!
He's got you doing the parenting/donkey work whilst he prioritises his drinking.
Send him home so he can spend the lockdown sorting his life out - and hopefully use the time constructively and parent his own DC.

Do not force new boyfriends into your kids life and home, if you feel the need to shag an alcoholic of a different generation to you, go for it, but keep all the offspring out of it. There’s absolutely no need for this.

Make sure you don’t end up pregnant with this waste of space
And how exactly is he ‘amazing’ with your son?

You are getting to know a new side of him, him as a partner, not a colleague. Take it slowly and if any red flags (drinking is a huge one) take time to observe and don't rush to commit.
Its also alarming that he is changing his face/behaviours when his children are around.
Be very careful.
Google helpful blogs and think what do you want from life
stepmomming.com/okay-to-take-up-space/
www.steptogether.com/essays.html
steptogetherfamilytherapy.com/f/6-smart-money-questions-to-ask-before-blending-your-stepfamily?blogcategory=Blended+Families