Step children in different state and private schools due to cost

[ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie]

As there are a few current threads on stepchildren being treated the same/differently, I was wondering what other people’s opinions were on this situation.

My aunt has been divorced for quite a while now and has 3 teenage dc in a lovely and expensive private school (approx 20k per year plus extras). Her dc split time between their parents and as a result, neither parent pays maintenance and they split all school expenses 50/50. Relations are very civil but they’re not friends if that makes sense as now the dc are older, they don’t have that much reason to communicate directly. My aunt lives in a nice house and doesn’t have a mortgage and has a high paying job which is demanding.

She met a guy a couple of years ago who has 2 dc of his own (9 and 8). He moved into my aunts home last year and that is where his dc stay when they are with him. He had rented after his divorce and pays maintenance to his ex. Considering they have 5dc between them, it’s all been positive and the dc get on well. They’re all treated the same when it comes to gifts etc. and although they don’t consider themselves siblings, they like each other.

Financially, most things are split 50/50. He is better off as he doesn’t have to pay rent and as my aunt doesn’t have a mortgage, they just split the bills and alternate paying for family outings. For holidays, each pays for themselves and their own dc and have started going away together. Her OH earns around 50k so not a bad salary and he can cover his own expenses and lead a good lifestyle.

However, recently his eldest dc has started saying she really wants to go to the same school as my aunts dc. They go on amazing trips and have longer holidays. Due to the cost though, this isn’t an option as his ex can’t afford to contribute and the cost of sending both of his dc is higher than what he earns. It’s getting awkward as he’s now started saying things like it’s not fair they don’t have the same opportunities, how wonderful it would be if he could afford that school too, he feels like a shit dad for not being able to afford it etc. He’s basically implying that when they get married next year, all money should be joint and all dc sent to the same school. Whilst on paper that’s understandable, my aunt has worked so hard to give her dc those opportunities and is now saving money to pay for first cars/ university/ weddings/ house deposits. If she were to pay for her Sc to attend this school, she wouldn’t be able to do this. It’s already starting to cause some bitterness and resentment. She loves this man and wants a future with him, but she has now privately told me that she doesn’t want this at the expense of not being able to give her dc what she feels they deserve.

My opinion is that she should not be paying for her sc to go to the private school. If her oh can’t afford it, then it’s his problem. He has very low living costs as it is and shouldn’t be expecting my aunt to subsidise his guilt. What do other people think? If/when they get married next year, should all money be joint and school fees paid for all dc? Even if this means she can’t put away any other money for their futures. I’m interested to hear other people’s thoughts.

If he's unhappy with her not paying for his kids' schooling he's very welcome to move out and start renting again. That way his kids will be less focussed on the other kids' schooling and less envious

Thank you for everyone’s POV. To answer a few questions:

• His ex is a teacher who works full time. She has a mortgage and bills to pay so there isn’t any money left over for her to contribute to school fees. As far as my aunt is aware, the sc mum isn’t pushing for them to attend the private school.

• He wasn’t aware that my aunt was mortgage free until they had a discussion on finances before he moved in. It’s obvious from her house and lifestyle that she’s well off but they have always been very equal when it comes to expenses and going out. He definitely gets a good deal living in her house but any extra money goes on their lifestyle and holidays which his dc benefit from, of course. He’s very helpful round the house so my aunt feels like he pulls his weight and the balance works for them.

• Luckily, there isn’t a big wedding planned. They got engaged and had just planned on a small destination wedding at some point next year. Nothing booked as of yet.

• I’m not sure what he would say if she said she didn’t want to get married. I don’t think that’s ever been discussed.

• The sc are 9 and 8. Whilst they are aware of money, I don’t think his 9 yo dd has any concept of the cost of a private school which is why she is asking to go. She just sees it as a fun/nice school that she would like to go to too. At the minute, he has just said to her that she goes to school closer to her mums as she’s been there since reception. In a couple of years though, she’ll be going to secondary school so it’s bound to come up regularly.

• Luckily, my aunt does have her head screwed on. I can’t imagine she’ll ever put herself in a situation where her dc will lose out as she’s worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get into her position. There’s a lot of guilt over missed assemblies, sports days to be able to give them the opportunity to go to that school.

It’s just such a tough one. She’s happy with this man but their incomes are different. She doesn’t want to disadvantage her own children but doesn’t want to be made to feel guilty that his dc can’t have the same. I think he wishes he could afford it. It wasn’t an issue so much in the beginning as the dc didn’t spend time together and his dc didn’t see this other world.

As a stepmother (quite rightly!) she has no say in her stepchildren's education. Just because the children live in the same house, different parents means different people make the choices.

The Dad should say "you can't go to X because your mum and I can't afford it" end of. Most kids have heard these words from their parents. Not explaining it to them is pretty cruel as it gives them "hope" that it's a possibility.

The Dad should say "you can't go to X because your mum and I can't afford it" end of. Most kids have heard these words from their parents. Not explaining it to them is pretty cruel as it gives them "hope" that it's a possibility.

This.

It’s odd that he hasn’t done this, to be honest.

I agree with what has been posted above. She should not get married, she is providing a home free of charge, the are already benefiting. How much does her partner expect her to contribute to his children? Is he expecting her ex to pay for his kids too?

She shouldn’t marry him and definitely shouldn’t be paying to put his children through school. Children in blended families should have the broadly equivalent daily life experiences but that shouldn’t extend as far as tens of thousands of pounds on schooling.

Is he not used to saying no to his children and explaining that he/their mum can’t afford it? If not, that is a bad omen on their shared parenting journey?

He wants her to spend more on his children’s education than she has on her own then by paying it all? Cock lodger.
Suggest he asks his ex for half to start with.

She’s not responsible for her stepchildren’s education. She has no say in where they go or anything because she has no parental responsibility, so why on Earth should she pay for them to go to private school? Whatever she does for her own children is irrelevant because they are her children. The stepchildren are not. They have different mums so different circumstances ms opportunities.

*and, not ms

How bizarre that he thinks it's unfair to his DC. Is he planning to contribute to his partners DC school fees or he just wants his cash cow to pay for his.

The aunts DC are funded by her and there dad. End of.... he must have thought he was on to a winner suddenly having a place for his DC to stay after living in his rental which I have no doubt was far smaller than where he is living now rent free- do you really believe he didn't know your aunt was mortgage free? He has moved in, is wealthier now than he has been before and is now bleating on that his poor DC are being disadvantaged by not going private- eh nope honey you and your ex can't afford it- he should have nipped that's discussion in the bud with his Dd--- I am worried for your aunt - I hope she has protected her assets

They are definitely financially incompatible with each other and unless one is prepared to pay up more and support kids that are not theirs or is all going to end in tears and divorce if they get married

Prenup!!!!

She shouldn’t marry him if she doesn’t want her DC to be disadvantaged House deposit, first car etc. he will expect her to pay for these things for his DC too

I also couldn’t respect someone who made such manipulative comments rather than coming up with a plan for how he could send his DC to private school He could be saving to send them to secondary. Does he have some savings from the divorce eg his share of equity in the marital home? If not why not?

I’d run fast

They are not a good match.

I had a relationship where the SCs were at private and other DCs state. I understood the different incomes etc and never asked him to pay. But my DCs always felt like second class citizens (they always compared themselves). SCs and DCs lived with us and I felt bad for my own DCs. It wasn’t just schools but pocket money, holidays, cars, devices etc. But it started with the schools when they were younger.

Ultimately we separated as exDP didn’t want to combine finances (I worked FT and he had a v profitable business that he had built up over many years). He said he loved, but didn’t want to pay for, my children. Their DF passed away when youngest was 6 weeks old so he was their DF figure.

I appreciated exDP’s honesty (painful as it was) and we split up. Now I am a sole parent. We have less money. Smaller house, rent etc. but DCs so much happier. All still on good terms with exDP and the SC. So glad I ended it when I did.

In hindsight, the red flag I saw with this man was the fact his exDW got a very poor outcome in their divorce and I always felt bad for her in this regard. He had no guilt about it whatsoever.

He is entitled to feel whatever he wants. However, doesn't make this anyone else's issue apart from his own as a parent.

He could have made these choices before he decided to procreate, he didn't and in this case, both parents entered parenthood without a concrete plan to fund private education. If someone else would like to fund another child's education or well anything, it should be entirely their own choice to do so.

As a parent, he should also be facing the unfortunate dilemma faced by many parents when their child doesn't get their own expectations met. He should somehow acknowledge positively even in-state school, she might be disappointed. Unfortunately, disappointment is a fact of life and we need to be able to deal with this, not protected forever. It's astonishing that he isn't able to say to his child sorry cannot afford it, and she shrugs it off although of course she will be disappointed. All he's doing to adding to that disappointment when he finally has to tell her the simple truth.

For this sense of entitlement alone, like fuck would I be marrying him and I would also be seriously considering if I want to be in a relationship with such a person. He's not really coming across as kind, caring, considerate etc. If he's already demanding half of everything now as soon as they are married, what else will caveman demand? Then fuck trying to divorce the fucker and hold onto that mortgage-free home.

I may be far-reaching, thinking about the what-ifs, but when it comes to what other people are capable of, nothing is far-reaching. It happens unfortunately and a lot believe these things will never happen to them.

CV-19 should be a huge wake up for some people to realise how easy it is to suddenly have something land of us that until now they never thought would happen to them. Shit happens.

I don't like the sound of this man on any level.

From basics like not being able to say no to his own children. To sulking that his children won't have the same opportunities in the long term.

Postpone the wedding I say so your aunt can rethink a little while longer.

PPs are right. They aren’t married yet and he’s already got £ signs in his eyes. She should cancel the wedding.

Her children are already part way through their education, to disrupt them now would be devastating.

She needs to run for the hills. Can you imagine the pressure she will be under if they marry to "do the right thing" by his kids.

If they stay together he needs to talk to his children and explain that himself and their mum can't afford to send them private so they need to accept that. Your aunt also needs a damn good lawyer to safeguard her house and money. It's horrible watching those you love being taken for a ride.

Things are rarely “fair” in a blended / step family no matter what people try and do. My DPs children see their father every weekend for one thing, while mine see theirs twice a year! My DP is buying a property that will generate rental income for his children when older. I cannot do that. I always explain to my children that things are different and that’s just how things are - they used to be more resentful of it - more because we also parent differently and they thought they got the short end of the stick with me compared to some of the Disney dad traits - but now they see it very differently and it’s not an issue. Your aunts DP should not be making this her problem and the emotional blackmail of feeling like a bad dad etc in itself would put me off marriage.

I’d be advising her to call off the wedding. He sounds like he has his eyes on more than just school fees and now is the time to walk away. This will not end happily for your aunt and her children.

And what does the children’s mother say? Because ultimately, changing schools is something that needs to be decided together. It is not a unilateral decision made by one parent alone. Assuming he has made this decision about his children’s futures without discussing with their mum that should be a massive red flag above everything else.

Sandleman very wise observation. How a man treats the finances in divorce is a very good indication of his character and how the next partner will be treated.

Your aunt should not be marrying as she cannot adequately protect her assets as marriage confers rights, especially if the marriage lasts some years and during that time he has been dependant on her for housing.

She needs to speak to a solicitor and understand likely outcomes ask if she wants to divorce in 5 years.

Marriage gives her limited benefits vs the risks