Forced to give in

[Songbird232018]

I'm livid, so to set the scene when this lockdown began we advised my husbands 3 children (14 15 and 17) that we wouldnt be having them for their weekend which they accepted and their dad has facetimed them lots with their little brother (our 3 year old) due to lots of guilt ridden messages and constant pressure we have had to say they can come for their next weekend (next weekend) their mother is just treating this like an extension on the 6 weeks holidays and wants the kids to stay for much longer than weekends. We have explained that we are both still working me full time from home and my partner nights at the hospital so its just a no as she doesnt work so the children can be there mon-fri as normal to do school work. It just seems as if shes making us out to be selfish here and it's like hello read the bloody news!?! I'm annoyed we have caved but we cant go back on it now. Wouldn't surprise me if the moment they are here she contacts to us that someone in their house is sick so the kids have to stay with us for weeks. Mind game overload!

Your husband can go back on it and should.

If your husband is still working at the NHS why can his children not still come?

We originally wanted to stop visits purely because he is still working and also the children step dad is still working so the risk to both houses would increase. We have two very vunerbale parents also who we want to keep as safe as possible and three teenagers (who all just do their own thing bless them) didnt seem to have immediate need to be going between houses right now.
I'll he honest theres a lot of drama between the households my partner and his ex wife are on terrible terms most of the time and it just seems like another point scoring game that she wins by saying the government said kids can visit parents so hes choosing not to have them and not acknowledging any reasons we have for it

He is choosing not to have them though. Whatever his reasons for doing it he is choosing nobody has forced him

If your DH is NHS then surely the children should not visit? It is exposing them to risk. Also, do you know if their mother has been observing restrictions? If she hasn’t then the three of them could bring risk to your DH, you and your toddler.

Some people are not taking this situation seriously enough. Wake up! Do H is working on the NHS, kids can be exposed unnecessarily to the virus, or they can pass it to op as step dad is working. This is not essential traveling. Why on earth would even think about putting your own children at an increase risk of being ill? I don't understand, if my mother wasn't working I will send my children to her to stay until this is all over as me and my partner work in the NHS an are exposed to active cases of covid. Kids are dying too of this virus, even children with no underlying health issues. Please stop taking this so lightly Italy has 15000 deaths, Spain 13900, UK 4300. It is very selfish that people are mobilising like nothing is happening and then key workers are risking their lives for people unable to follow government guidelines. They are not travelling to work, they aren't going to buy groceries, they aren't going out to exercise, so.... Stay indoors!! FFS

I know its ridiculous that we are being made to feel guilty for wanting to do the correct thing, I totally understand if you have younger children who may not understand why they cannot see a parent but these guys are all young adults who can understand the importance of this.
There is no mental damage done here to the kids if they have to stay away for a month or so.
I'm tempted to push back tonight but I know my OH just wants to be done with her contracting us about it

They want to see their dad. If the father is happy why don’t you just let it be.

OP is wfh and her DH is still
working in a hospital so is OP not to
work and entertain his kids?
The case for cross contamination is huge, DH in a hospital, home to his house with other kids who then go to their home.
I’d put your foot down and stick to facetime.

Just to be clear the guilty messages are from the ex wife not the kids of course they want to come see us but they understand why we missed a weekend. We are having them as we cannot go back now they are looking forward to it but we have said it's just the EOW friday morning till Sunday night while schools are off it having them 2 nights for tea that we normally so limit the moving between houses right now. Just feel that step mums are straight away vilified by RP mums for not wanting their step kids all the time regardless of any other circumstances.

I really feel like step parents make an awful lot of rules slash to the detriment of the step children that they would not apply to their own.

If you wouldn’t allow your own 14 year old child back to your home fine, but I firmly believe you wouldn’t apply the same logic.

It’s like a father’s relationship to their child is second to the needs of the mother .

If my partner and I were spilt then our son maybe would travel because he's only three and wouldn't be able to understand not seeing one of us. If I had a teenager then they would be with me and not visiting there dad until further government notice because that can happen with affecting the child in a detrimental way.

You mention your elderly parents as a reason for your dh not to see his kids. That's completely arse about face. You're allowed to keep seeing your own children. You're not supposed to be seeing your elderly parents.
If your dh is still able to see his/your 3yo then he should still be able to see his older children. Their need for both parents doesn't stop.

@Songbird232018 What if the father decided that your 3year old shouldn’t travel between homes and being in your home would negatively affect his new child and wife so he would keep the child until the situation is over??

It’s been made clear that children are allowed to go between homes where possible. It is possible , stop making things more complicated.

It is expected that today 800 people will die in the UK for covid. Today a 5 year old child died too. Why people are so thick? Parks full of people, other mums arguing because teenagers can't come from one house to another... You are very dumb. NHS, police other key workers are dieing risking their lives and the only thing you have to do is to be in your bloody home. If I can explain to my 4 year old that we can't go to the swing, that he can't go visit grandma etc why is it so hard to make a 10,12,15 whatever age understand that at this moment everyone is asked to stay indoors, and they can talk on the phone with the other parent as much as they want but they need to be save and that's why they can't be going from one place to another.... Very sad how some mothers are so short sighted... If I was not with my partner no way I will allow them to travel. Every person not following guidelines from government are just disrespecting all the people that are risking their lives to look after you, your family and your friends. It is mentally and physically destroying and the only thing you have been asked to do is to stay indoors....

If the father is happy why don’t you just let it be

Because funnily enough, step parents actually are people, with their own thoughts, feelings and opinions on things. I know people like to think they are there simply to be seen and not heard and to do whatever it is mum and dad deem appropriate but unfortunately some of them just won't toe the line!

YANBU to be concerned OP. Speak to your DH. You have as much right as anyone to voice your concerns.

@LittleMcJiggle I don’t believe anyone should be seen and not heard . However a step parent applying rules to their partner’s children that they wouldn’t apply to their own is questionable.

It’s the children that lose out here teenagers or not; they should be able to see their dad. If there are other reasons I would understand however the reasoning OP has put forward doesn’t. IMO.

@sauvignonblancplz no, the people losing out will be the people dying of Covid due to not containing the spread, and the NHS staff having to put themselves through hell to try and treat them. If people would stop putting children "missing out" above common sense, they might realise that. Your attitude is ridiculously tunnel visioned and blasé.

The potential for spreading the virus by mixing 2 households, especially with one mutual contact working in the nhs is huge.
Very risky.

@aSofaNearYou I’m far from it and find resorting to name calling childish , much like your opinion that keeping your husbands children from him is ok.
The govt have clearly stipulated that where a child lives between two homes they may move between them. Why does this not apply to your home?
This could last for months... are you suggesting that that’s ok? Would you be ok not seeing your child for potentially months?

Do you consider how bloody scared your husbands children are? I’m a old woman and am scared , they are children. You need to have some sense.

@sauvignonblancplz my partner made the decision not to see his son for this initial period of lockdown himself. He will take it from there when that period is over and we have more of a sense of how long it will go on for, and whether lockdown will be relaxed. We are fast approaching the peak now, this is not the time to be saying "what if it's still going on in a few months", we need to be as stringent as is possible right now to ensure it doesn't go on for months. The gov has said movement between houses CAN happen, not that it should, so their advice has applied to our household. We have judged that we can still legally let him come here, but we don't think he should, so he isn't.

My partner made the decision because he would rather miss a few weekends with him than put him at risk, or put others at risk by increasing the exposure of everyone involved. I agree with him, but I'm not "keeping his child from him", why would you assume it was me that made the decision?

As to my SS being scared... He has been on his Nintendo Switch pretty much constantly since school closed. When we have rung he has been distracted by his game and unbothered. He is not scared. He is fine. Obviously different children in different households will react differently, but my SS is fine. I do have sense - the sense to see that risking spreading this disease is not worth it given that he is perfectly safe and happy where he is.

The potential for spreading the virus by mixing 2 households, especially with one mutual contact working in the nhs is huge.
Very risky.

Completely agree. I don't understand how anyone can think it is acceptable to combine the exposure of two separate workers at this time, especially with one of them working in a hospital.

My DP stopped seeing his children because they continued seeing other people. SD went to see friends, her mother then brought her to stay at a bf's house who also has teenage children who go between his house and the mother's....Other than the elderly, the second riskiest group seems to be people over 40. So while his teenage children are not following the guidelines, he's not seeing them. I think that he's actually showing them a good example as opposed to their moms. Nobody will die if they don't see each other for some time.

It doesn't make sense to tell people to stay inside and then allow children to circulate between houses.