COVID19 divorce?

[CPHmom]

Hi all, I am totally new here, but am in desperate need of advice.

I'm American and just turned 46 over the weekend. When I was 30, I lost my 1st husband to cancer. Thankfully, he left me with the most beautiful gift a man could leave..our son. He was only 3 when his dad passed, but we've had a wonderful journey together.

Somewhere along the way, about 10 years ago, I met a super nice Danish man. We moved from the US to DK and started a life together - all three of us.

Getting more to the point, it has been a nice marriage, except 2 sticking points, which I guess are common reasons people get divorced? 1st and most important, even though my son just turned 18, he is still my little boy. He has one more year of high school left. My husband, for the entire time we have been together, has never bonded with him...despite my pleading with him, he only finds faults with him. Now that we are cooped up b/c of CV, my husband is just being an ass to him - straight out and I don't know what to do.

Secondly, and not so importantly, I am ashamed to admit this, but my husband has never been able to ejaculate..therefore we have no sex life. I used to think I would get over it, but now, I am just angry that he won't even touch me.

My own mother was married and divorced 4 times before I was 18. I used to just sum it up that she was crazy and unstable. All I wanted in the world for my son was love and stability. He's definitely getting this from me - but not from my husband.

I should mention also, I am about a year away from getting any kind of permanent residency, so I can stay in the EU without being married - otherwise, if I leave him now, I will need to figure something out. We have shared our finances equally, and while I would take a hit, at this point, I think it might be worth it..? It is just so damn expensive over here - though I very much would like to stay or move to Scotland.

Do I suck it up and just stay another year and re-assess? Can I let my son in on my plan, so he really knows how very much I love him and am on his side? I feel like if he knew this, he could cope better - or even stand up to my husband more.

Lastly, God, this is sort of the craziest part, I do believe my husband might have Aspergers or some type of autism - he is able to manage it throughout the day, but when he's tired, it's like filters are off and he doesn't care. I have tried to have empathy, but again, this is my son - it's obvious my husband is jealous of the relationship we have, but..

Any advice would be so warmly welcomed. Practical or impractical.
Thank you!

Hello CPHmom. If your husband is difficult can you talk to him in a very direct way and, without argument, tell him how you want him to behave when he is with your son?

I would definitely not allow him to be nasty in the evenings. That is unfair. Can you separate yourselves for the evenings? Also, you can support your son to stand up to his step father. Let your son know you have his back.

I would advise you to be honest about the marital situation with your son and yes, do let your boy know how much you love him. if you do eventually split up with your husband you would not want this to be a shock for your teenage son and it is important that he does not believe it is his fault.

Regarding the sex - obviously the general advice is to build up closeness by starting with romantic moments, caring for each other, massages or other intimate contact. Some relationships can be saved if you can build upon the love which remains within the marriage.

It seems to me though that you sound like that ship has sailed, and you feel contemptuous towards this man.

He has not met your expectations of providing a stable family unit for your orphaned son.

I assume, given his age, your son will leave the family unit in only a handful of years, and be an independent adult. At that point would you like to be with your husband? If so, you and he will need to work on the marriage and he will need to correct his ways to become a decent, even if distant, step father.

It is a tragic situation which must be very hard on you and your boy and my heart goes out to you. It is worrying for all during this pandemic but it is especially hard for those in difficult marriages.

Hugs