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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

No idea what to do

6 replies

bacchanalwoman · 30/03/2020 22:19

I live with my partner and step kids . Have done for 8 years long story. They have been through a lot - removed from mom years ago, allowed to see her now restrictions lifted etc. I thought they would want to go back her full time but they don’t - they see me as a mom too. I don’t know what to say I love them dearly - but I’m fed up of my partners behaviour sometimes. Tonight and an argument broke out about them going to mom’s for a few days during lock down. Their Dad is against it because they have an older half sister at mom’s doing take away deliveries and he is worried about the amount of social contact she is having. Also he started feeling unwell and is worried about passing something on. As usual instead of a rational conversation he shouts at our eldest and told her she can &@*%€ go to her mom’s but can’t come back till restrictions lift. Now he may indeed be right but a head strong teenager needs careful explanation not shouting and swearing. There’s a reason the restrictions allow under 18s to move between households it is hard on kids. They have a challenging family structure and don’t see mom often I think she is hard to deal with. They love her and spend a little time with her but I think they find it hard to stay for extended periods. Eldest broke down when we left them with her on holiday for a few weeks. I am sick of his unreasonable shouty bossy attitude the last straw was when he said this was his house an he makes the decisions. All I tried to do was break up the argument and suggest dsd speaks to her mom about it too and that he should discuss in the morning when tempers are calm. He yells in my face telling me that I must do as he says. I’m a grown arse woman and I do not have to put up with that. Love just isn’t enough any more -I am worried about causing my step kids more trauma by leaving they’ve been through so much plus we are on lock down what on Earth do I do????

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 30/03/2020 22:43

I didn't want to read and run OP. It sounds like a really difficult situation. I don't have any helpful advice really as you sound like you're caught between a rock and a hard place and lockdown is compounding the situation, but bumping for you.

Your partner is an absolute wanker. 'telling me I must do as he says' indeed Hmm He's a parent, not a dictator. He doesn't just get to lay down the law and everyone around him obeys without question.

SandyY2K · 01/04/2020 07:46

I honestly wouldn't remain in this relationship. Your DP is a pain in the backside and sounds very ungrateful for everything you do for his kids.

He doesn't have the right approach as a parent and sounds like he wants to be the big boss. His attitude is immature and bullish.

Perhaps you could take the DC you one side and explain it in a calmer more sensible way than him.

In the long term...I would be looking at a future without him. I just feel sorry for the kids, but it sounds like you have been brilliant with them.

Kimbo180 · 01/04/2020 17:28

You have to realise this lockdown affects everyones mental health. I think your husnad is right fir not letting them go i dont mean that in a bad way... its the childrens safety hes thinking about. I would probably be the same... try not to take it personally. My daughter is 25 and im not letting her go anywere... this virus is spreading fast everyone needs to stay home... xx

bacchanalwoman · 01/04/2020 23:41

I totally agree with his thinking no problem with that it’s the way he speaks to us and goes about it. I know our kids -eldest can be conceited and her mom is likely to encourage her to disregard her Dad especially if they’ve disagreed. I did not want her to be stalking off miles down the road to her moms middle of the night at a time like this- so I needed to calm everyone down. She’s run off before when he’s behaved like that - so I was up all night making sure she didn’t do anything daft. - he was asleep of course. My partner tends to blow up in this way frequently it’s nothing to do with lockdown and it does not make his attitude acceptable.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 02/04/2020 13:09

I don't what you can do but your post brought tears to my eyes. What a loving caring selfless person who are. Prepare to act as a their mum even though you didn't ask for it, yet prepared to take a step back to allow them to bond with their mum and accepting that they love her very much too.

Dealing with teenagers is hard, very hard. Being understanding of their feelings demands quite an effort from parents, let alone ste-parents, yet you are doing just that.

What a person you are, they are oh so lucky to have you in their life.

bacchanalwoman · 06/04/2020 14:26

Update. eldest was picked up by her mom last night - she would not back down and her mom came to get her. The younger one decided not to go and hid until her mom was gone off the drive- she won’t say why but was on her bed with her head in her hands while DP and her sister were fighting. I’m worried about them both and if god forbid we’ve passed illness on to her mom. I don’t want that. They’re the bio parents at the end of the day and I can’t weigh in that’s not right- but I wish they would pick the phone up to each other and agree what’s best for the kids. A bit challenging Dad says she can’t come back until lock down is over. He’s changing the locks etc -She’s got GCSE evidence to submit neither mom or dad have paid any attention to helping her this year or the impact on exams etc Mom does not work. Dad is doing improvements on house during lock down. I’m working full time from home -yet I’m sorting (now remotely) her school books and papers to send in. Communicating with school and keeping track of her and the youngest’s home schooling. I have to phone her to wake her up this morning to respond to an urgent request from her teacher, and finalise 6th form application evidence to send in even though she’s with her Mom. Mom is just disengaged from school and DP says it’s not his thing what ever that means. Tried to talk to DP about helping me manage and he says I’m “carrying on” . I have to hijack his computer to get school emails before he deletes them as “rubbish”- now on auto forward to me. He won’t listen to anyone anymore so I’ve just stopped saying anything not worth my time. Had we been able to discuss we would have made this easier on everyone - I am fed up had enough but don’t want to let the kids down.

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