Dh and our kids

[Ibizafun]

Just wondering how other step parents feel about this.. my dh has been in my kids’ lives since they were 6 and 8. He has two of his own, similar ages, and they are all now young adults. My children’s dad is useless never bothered with them.

Dh has always been a great stepdad, but it couldn’t be clearer to me that he favours his own, will always go the extra mile for them in a way he doesn’t for mine.

I am well aware it’s natural to love your own kids more but my question is, does this make you love your partner less?

I think it's a different kind of love when its you're own child especially when they are born and you watch they grow. I don't think it's a slight on you're dc.

Wouldn't you go the extra mile for yours over his, though? There's just that extra bond of closeness with kids that you have full decision making responsibility for, not just delegated! Also the parent child relationship has biology on it's side, making annoying teenage development more bearable!

Of course I get it.. and I know it’s unreasonable of me.. but it just means i love him less. Maybe because he’s such an amazing dad to his kids it makes it worse? He always had equal decision making responsibility for my kids, he parented them and has a good relationship with them.. they both adore him.

I just wondered if there was anyone else feeling like this.

Op do you feel the same way about his children as you do your own.

No I don’t. As I have said, I know I’m being unreasonable. His children live a fair distance away with their mother. Dh has always lived with mine. It’s just hard to see him completely change when they come, and it’s as if I realise what mine are missing.

Well they're you go you dont feel the same about his kids so you cant expect him to love you're dc in the same way as your own

Yes, it does make me love my DP less and I don't think he's a great stepdad. He was basically always too busy for my son (working on our house and running to spend time with his kids in another city) and my son is very reserved too, so no relationship really developped in 4 years. And my ex is also a totally useless dad. So you see, it could be worse.
If your DH doesn't see his kids, it's normal to be excited when he sees them. It's like any person whom you like and don't see often as opposed to someone you like but do see often. Maybe if he lived with them, this feeling of novelty would have worn off and he would be an equally great dad as he is a stepdad. I would say try to concentrate on the good he does for your kids as opposed to what he doesn't do and work on the gratitude.

I think it’s a really tricky situation as you can’t make someone treat your children like their own or make them love yours like their own, even if they want to they also can’t make themselves; I know I’m different with my DC compared to my DSD but I’ve always felt that my DSD has two parents and a very good mum already so I don’t need to try and fulfil that role and can be a supportive fun person in her life instead whereas for you it must feel different as their dad isn’t in their lives.
I would also take into consideration though that he’s probably like that because he doesn’t see his DC very much; my DH makes more effort when he sees his DD because those few hours are all he will see her in a fortnight compared to seeing our DC all the time and the same amount of effort being less concentrated.

Thank you Anuta77 and User, I do feel gratitude as I know my kids would be a lot worse off without him and I have been able to give them a much better life because of dh.

Perhaps because of the lockdown it’s just in my face more at the moment, with dh not spending time with my kids and most of the day zooming his. Thanks again for opinions.

If his children live a fair distance away and he doesn't live with them full time like he does yours, could it not just be that he feels he needs to 'make up'.

Your children are living with him every day, he is parenting your children every day. He doesn't get that with his own kids (who he will, whether he admits it or not, feel differently about because that's just nature). So I imagine he wants to make them feel extra special when they come or go the extra mile when they ask etc...

Would you not do the same if you didn't live with your kids and they were a fair distance away?

You’re expecting more of him than their own father. Do you think that’s fair? It sounds like your relationship with him has benefitted them materially, that’s very lucky. You can’t govern his feelings.

Is he kind to them? Does he like them and show it?

I love my partners children in a very different way to the way I love mine. And I know he loves my children in a very different way to how he loves his own. I’m not his children’s mother. He’s not my childrens father. As such our love will be different.

I think the absence of an active father figure is also impacting your situation tbh. The reason my DP’s difference with my children doesn’t impact me is because my exh is fulfilling his role as a hands on father. My partner is not there to be a dad as my children have one. He’s there as mummy’s partner.

My expectation from him is to be kind and respectful. Not to love my children as much as he loves his.

I agree.. my ex husband’s neglect as a father has impacted on my expectations of dh, which isn’t fair on him. BuzzOffMate dh was no different when his children lived with us for a short while.

He is good to mine and is an exceptionally tolerant person but has less patience with them than his own. It’s almost as if he is afraid of his dcs. They have each threatened to cut him off if they did not get the financial support they wanted; one has only just started speaking to him again after 2 years and a lot of money To ‘buy’ her back.

AnneLovesGilbert I would expect more of anyone than their own father as he has nothing to do with them, but I know and agree that I am expecting too much of dh. The problem is with me and I know I have to work on it before it ruins my marriage.

Loving them equally and treating them equally are two different topics.

The phenomenon of seeming almost afraid of his DC’s? Very common I’m afraid and it’s something called Disney dad parenting. Because the children come so rarely (EOW) that time becomes (understandably) precious. And it becomes more about having ‘fun’ vs actual parenting / disciplining. I am far harder on my DC than my DP is with his. I think I’m a stricter parent anyhows. But also, I get to spend a lot of time with my children so I have a secure bond.

I would say that from time to time my DP is unable to treat our DC equally. I understand the pressures behind that and as such give him and his advice space. Has it affected my love for him? To an extent yes. It’s why we’re not living together or married.

I think the treating ‘equally’ of resident children vs. Non resident children is deeply difficult. When something is scarce it becomes precious. When it’s always there, less so. It’s taken for granted a lot more.

I have 3 sc children and 1 son of my own. Alot of people said that once my DP and I had a child together that we would automatically become a 'unit' which hasn't happened..I do care about his kids and I do alot for them but it's so different isnt it. if I dont see my sc for a couple of weeks (they are 13-16) then I really dont miss them, we all facetime and play online but there isnt a hole in my life without them like it would be for my own son. But that being said we get on great and I think that's all you can ask of a step parent is to provide where possible to be kind, considerate and a good friend to your children. I think expecting much more may end up breaking your heart. However maybe have a chat with do if you are noticing obviously differences in how he treat all the children?

Sassbott, I agree that usually when something is scarce it becomes precious, but in my dh’s case he lost his dad when he was very young so his children are extra precious. I too have always been harder on my children as I am secure in my relationship with them.

Thanks Songbird, there have been a couple of examples recently where they were treated by dh tangibly in a different way. When I raised it with him he went on the defensive as usual.

I appreciate your comments and hopefully when it happens again I’ll be more equipped to rise above it.

SPs can't get it right.

If they put the time and effort in to parent fully, they're screamed at for being too harsh or over involved in what some say should only be a social relationship.

If they don't bother or try and keep the relationship friendly but detached, insults from fairy tales come out.

In the meantime, the main issue, the absent/failing parent, is ignored. The failed parent not only neglects their DC, but their very existence stops SP being the replacement the child needs.

Bar adoption, there aren't easy answers.

He is good to mine and is an exceptionally tolerant person but has less patience with them than his own. It’s almost as if he is afraid of his dcs. They have each threatened to cut him off if they did not get the financial support they wanted; one has only just started speaking to him again after 2 years and a lot of money To ‘buy’ her back

Try to have compassion for him, isn't it sad? Probably his efforts come from a place of fear. And you say yourself that when they lived with you, you didn't notice much difference in his treatment of all kids.
My son sees my DP play and give affection to our toddler every day and to my SD EOW. He never showed that it bothered him really, he knows it's not his dad. It makes me sad, but I know it too and I know that my son is very shy, so I appreciate even when my DP and my son exchange a couple of words in a day.
Your children are lucky to have a nice stepfather in their life and you are there to give them love too. They will be ok.

Op you should love him more because of how much he prioritises his own children, that makes him a good man. Imagine if you read that he posted he loves you less because you favour your children over his, how would that make you feel?

It's not always just about biology but simply who you've developed to have more affinities with and gave more in common with. Many parents are closer to one child over another, especially once adults.

I think you are being very unfair to your oh and if I were him, I would feel less love for you for the way you measure you love to him on this basis.

Anuta, I meant that when all the kids were here he still treated them noticeably differently. I appreciate he is lovely in the way he deals with everyone’s problems so that he is the first my kids will call.

Thepigeonsarecoming, weirdly if he was posting this I would empathise.. totally unreasonable and irrational and something I have to work on.