Difficult situation, how do I help Dp and Dss2?

[Squirrel3]

Dp has always suspected that his ds2 (aged 16) is not biologically his, but he loves him and he will always be his Dad no matter what.

ds2 looks exactly like the guy he suspected his ex of having an affair with around the time she got pregnant (I have seen a photograph of the other man and dss is very, very much like him). Dss has even mentioned it to us but dp didn't react he just brushed it off, dss wanted to know more about this man and why they didn't see him at all etc.

Dp's family genes are very strong, dp's brothers could be identical triplets, his dd1 and ds1 look exactly like dp, the rest of the family all look so similar its unbelievable but I'm afraid his ds2 looks nothing like them at all.

Dp's ds2 is very aware of this and has recently been asking question why he looks nothing like the rest of the family. He tries to keep it light-hearted but I know inside he wants answers, its really hurting dp too and of course he would never voice his suspicions to him, as far as he is concerned he is his Dad end of story.

We had a family BBQ at the weekend and dp's new grandaughter was there and everybody was saying how much she looked like everyone, you know "Ohhhh she is definitely a 'surname', you couldn't mistake her could you" Again this brought up feelings in dss2, I looked at him and he looked hurt and confused, "So why don't I look like any of you then" he asked, but knowing it was a very sensitive subject and not wanting to cause a scene he added in a joking voice "Maybe one day I will find my real father".

We all picked out bits of dss2 that we could liken him to some of the others in the family like "You get your height from your uncle and your Grandad" (you know stuff like that) but we all know that there is a very real possibility that he isn't biologically related although I must point out strongly he is treated no differently than dp's ds1, dd1 and dd2 what-so-ever.

It's so sad because he hero worships Dp and his Grandad. He is always asking questions about who he is and it's so difficult to know what to say, I just know one day he is going to ask outright.

My question is how do we handle it? It's not up to us to tell him that his mother had several affairs whilst with dp. Dp is frightened how dss2 might react if he finds out he has suspected all along he is not his biologically. Really dss2 needs to voice his concerns to his mother but he hasn't and I don't think he will, so dss2 is carrying around this huge weight, I know it bothers him, it is hurting dp too and I am stuck in the middle not knowing how to make either of them feel better. There is so much stuff that needs to be said but we can't, it needs to be a conversation between dss2 and his mother not us but its us he keeps asking the questions to...

Sorry this is long, I don't really know the point of this thread, it is just really bothering me I so much want to help dss2 with this but what can I say? He must be going through so much confusion, maybe there is a solution/advice to help but I think there is nothing we can do unless dss2 talks to his mother about his worries and we can all go from there, after all it's only his mother that knows the truth not us.

Do you know if it was me, and in the future it comes out that your dss2 is not biologically your dss2 then I would lie and say that it had never occured to you or your dp that he wasn't biologically yours. (IFSWIM) sorry, maybe lying isn't always right, but sometimes, it is kinder.

lojomojo, that thought has occured to us but I wonder if it is the right thing to do, there has already been far to many lies. If it turns out that dss2 is not dp's I think that he deserves the truth and to know that dp loves him and has always loved him, that he is his 'Dad' no matter what.

You are right Squirrel, originally I had done a really long post, but thought twice and just left the first bit. What I was also going to say was, what if your dp took him to a nice quite place (ie for a meal/fishing etc) and asked him outright why he keeps asking the same question, and then said that while he didn't know the answer to his question he would ALWAYS love, support and be there for him and encourage him to ask his mother about it. I know that would be difficult, but the way I see it you either have to be totally proactive or completly inactive you can't be both. I am not very good at expressing myself but I hope you understand what I am saying.

Hello Squirrel . Nice to have you back.

I've got no experience of anything like this. I can't remember, how are things with his mum? Is it something your dp and she can have a talk about and handle together?

I agree with what you are saying but for dp to actually say to him "ask your mother" is like actually saying he don't believe he is his. I can't imagine how difficult that would be for both of them. Like I say dss hero worships his Dad and Grandad.

Dss always asks these things in a lighthearted manner (I'm sure so as not to uspet anyone or open a can of worms) but you can tell it is really geting to him.

Also there is the other side of the coin - what if he says this and dss is dp's? What would actualy saying it do to their relationship?

Maybe dp does have to bite the bullet and be proactive but it realy would be opening a can of worms wouldn't it?...

Its so difficult isn't it?

Hello Surfermum, things with dss2's mother are always strained and difficult.

There would be no point in talking to her about it, although I think it would be the right thing to do if things were ok between them, afterall dss2 is what is important here not them but the way things are I am sure it will just make things worse iykwim.

Maybe he is feeling insecure about what may happen if he is not dp's. Perhaps if dp could have a talk along the lines of ' I firmly believe I am your biological dad, but even if I wasn't, it would make no difference' etc it may put his mind at rest slightly. Appreciate it's a difficult problem though and don't know whether acknowledging his concerns will help.

Exactly Berries, would acknowledging his concerns just open a whole can of worms best left firmly shut?

I think dss2 deserves to know the truth but as we can't be sure of the truth ourselves it has to come from his mother but if he won't talk to her about it what can we do?

Telling Dss2 to talk to his mother about it would be re-enforcing his concerns, his mother is very volatile and they don't really get on that well tbh, I am sure he wouldn't go to her about it until he is much older, so he would just carry it around with him, not knowing, but looking to us to tell him the truth (which we don't know for sure).

I've even thought of grabing some hair from his hairbrush and having DNA done so that we know for sure but dp is also scared of the answer too.

He is not sure if he wants to know the truth, he just keeps on telling himself that he is dss2's Dad no matter what but at the same time I catch him staring at dss2 searching for clues.

Dss2 gave me his last school photgraph (he actualy likes this photo) and I put it up with the rest but dp hates it, in this photograph dss looks so much like the other guy he can't stand it.

I don't want to upset dss2 by taking it down because that will also raise more questions but dp can't stand looking at it, I feel like I'm torn between the two.