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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

It’s probably me

20 replies

bacchanalwoman · 15/03/2020 15:04

I’m sick of living with my step kids. I love them, I want to see them do well, but right now I just want my life back. 8 years we have all lived together since they were placed with their dad after being removed from mom. Things have settled down and they can see mom when they choose. Despite telling us all the time how much better she is at everything and one telling us how she was going to live with her as soon as she could and putting us through hell complaining about being here they want to stay here now. Now I spent years working really hard to make up for what they went through. I did not want kids, but they were here so I did my best. I’m no Mary Poppins but I tried to be there supporting my partner with looking after them balanced with a busy career. They’re now almost 15 and 16, essentially good kids but being parented across two households which do not communicate with very different values and cultures. This is hard and I’m exhausted with it. living with an almost adult with typical teenage lack of consideration empathy, who eats whatever you put in the fridge in a minute who you have to constantly chase to tidy after themselves, frequently refuses to cooperate help out with simple tasks, thinks your are a taxi and lets you know mom and dad can do this this this and this better is just getting under my skin. I know it’s over sensitive but I feel like saying to their mom can you please take some of this on? We tried to take an extended holiday and spent the last part of it getting daily calls from the kids who were unhappy at being left with their mom for so long accusing us of abandoning them. They go on the odd weekend to see her relatives but won’t spend any extended time there. DH leaves me with all off the educational tasks because he claims I’m better at it- We get no input or interest whatsoever from mom on that front. So no one else is showing the vaguest interest in getting our eldest ready for GCSEs to the point where DH can’t understand why he can’t come in loudly drunk waking her up the night before a challenging mock exam - which she is stressed about already. During our holiday I had to skype help her write sixth form applications while she was with mom and older (educated) relatives in tears because she had no help. I’m isolated at home this week with possible virus symptoms and it would have been great for them to go to hers straight from school instead of having them at home but we know there’s little chance as they won’t want to go. I know this is all because I’m grumpy and unwell but I need to rant. I just popped into the kitchen to grab a small treat I got myself online whilst I’m stuck in- to find as usual it’s being sucked down by a teenager who just shrugs with no empathy when you point out that it was obviously yours.... and she’s eaten every other last thing anyone might snack on since Friday afternoon. I don’t mind really but it was just like come on- not today. I’m getting moaned at because I haven’t sorted her work experience out yet -I have, it was a hospital placement and they have naturally suspended any educational activities. I can’t ask another parent to pick up the slack because surprise - DH says he doesn’t understand enough to help and mom is as ever completely not involved interested - no idea. I want to be curled up with a book while I’m unwell not doing laundry sorting out ungrateful teen complaints and having every last thing I want to eat when I have little appetite disappear. Rant over. Better out than in.

OP posts:
bacchanalwoman · 15/03/2020 15:04

I’m sick of living with my step kids. I love them, I want to see them do well, but right now I just want my life back. 8 years we have all lived together since they were placed with their dad after being removed from mom. Things have settled down and they can see mom when they choose. Despite telling us all the time how much better she is at everything and one telling us how she was going to live with her as soon as she could and putting us through hell complaining about being here they want to stay here now. Now I spent years working really hard to make up for what they went through. I did not want kids, but they were here so I did my best. I’m no Mary Poppins but I tried to be there supporting my partner with looking after them balanced with a busy career. They’re now almost 15 and 16, essentially good kids but being parented across two households which do not communicate with very different values and cultures. This is hard and I’m exhausted with it. living with an almost adult with typical teenage lack of consideration empathy, who eats whatever you put in the fridge in a minute who you have to constantly chase to tidy after themselves, frequently refuses to cooperate help out with simple tasks, thinks your are a taxi and lets you know mom and dad can do this this this and this better is just getting under my skin. I know it’s over sensitive but I feel like saying to their mom can you please take some of this on? We tried to take an extended holiday and spent the last part of it getting daily calls from the kids who were unhappy at being left with their mom for so long accusing us of abandoning them. They go on the odd weekend to see her relatives but won’t spend any extended time there. DH leaves me with all off the educational tasks because he claims I’m better at it- We get no input or interest whatsoever from mom on that front. So no one else is showing the vaguest interest in getting our eldest ready for GCSEs to the point where DH can’t understand why he can’t come in loudly drunk waking her up the night before a challenging mock exam - which she is stressed about already. During our holiday I had to skype help her write sixth form applications while she was with mom and older (educated) relatives in tears because she had no help. I’m isolated at home this week with possible virus symptoms and it would have been great for them to go to hers straight from school instead of having them at home but we know there’s little chance as they won’t want to go. I know this is all because I’m grumpy and unwell but I need to rant. I just popped into the kitchen to grab a small treat I got myself online whilst I’m stuck in- to find as usual it’s being sucked down by a teenager who just shrugs with no empathy when you point out that it was obviously yours.... and she’s eaten every other last thing anyone might snack on since Friday afternoon. I don’t mind really but it was just like come on- not today. I’m getting moaned at because I haven’t sorted her work experience out yet -I have, it was a hospital placement and they have naturally suspended any educational activities. I can’t ask another parent to pick up the slack because surprise - DH says he doesn’t understand enough to help and mom is as ever completely not involved interested - no idea. I want to be curled up with a book while I’m unwell not doing laundry sorting out ungrateful teen complaints and having every last thing I want to eat when I have little appetite disappear. Rant over. Better out than in

OP posts:
Newkitty · 15/03/2020 15:11

Oh my goodness. You are a great step mum. Your dh is not doing enough. It’s clear you love your step kids and are doing your best for them. teenagers are hard. Your dh needs to step up and look after you!

MeridianB · 15/03/2020 15:12

gasping for breath due to lack of paragraphs

Ok why are both parents opting out and is there any way you can you step back and leave your partner to manage HIS children?

99RedRaccoons · 15/03/2020 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArizonaTrashBag · 15/03/2020 15:19

You do sound like a great step mum. Anyone with teenage kids could have written your post, yet you have the added difficulty of them not being biologically yours.

The fact you refer to 'our' eldest just goes to show this.

Teenagers can drive you crazy, having a partner can make all the difference and ebbed though you have a dh it doesn't sound like he is a partner in parenting, even though they are HIS children!!

I think rather as they say, you have a dh problem rather than a step kids problem

forrestgreen · 15/03/2020 15:23

Get everyone a named treat box.
If they take others then I wouldn't buy their favourite next week.
Set up a rota for chores and make dh in changes of it.
No taxis anywhere as you're in quarantine.
And don't accept that you're better at it, send them to their dad to sort stuff.

You're doing a great job by the way

MeridianB · 15/03/2020 15:27

I love the treat box idea.

Mostly, their DAD needs to parent for a change,

Rockchic7 · 15/03/2020 17:07

Wow to me you are doing a great job helping to raise those kids and it sounds like your other half needs to step up. It can be so frustration living with step kids at times. Hope you feel better soonSmile

HillAreas · 15/03/2020 21:23

Your DH sounds like a complete knob to be honest. They sound like normal PITA teenagers whose parents can’t be arsed with them. They are lucky to have you, they really are.
I’d down tools and go on strike. Make that prince of yours step up. Rest and get better. Hide your snacks Flowers

Lilypatch · 15/03/2020 21:29

Hiya it sounds like you're doing an amazing job and DAD needs to be doing a lot more, talk to him and explain how you feel. I hope you feel better soon, take care.

bacchanalwoman · 16/03/2020 07:01

Thanks everyone - love the treatbox idea. I can tell you straight away I’ll have to enforce DH won’t. He’ll say I’m making unnecessary rules and he doesn’t follow rules yadda yadda. I feel a little better this morning but was looking forward to peaceful working from home alone after a full house all weekend. Our youngest woke up with symptoms so I’ve got her all day, she is not the best when ill. I don’t need this right now. I just needed a break.

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 16/03/2020 07:10

Your husband is the problem. You're the only one who seems to care at all about those children.

LatentPhase · 16/03/2020 07:23

OP, you are some amazing woman. These children sound like they are going to grow up and be all credit to you. The dc know who was there for them - not their mum, not their dad, but you.

Your DH sounds like an utter spineless knob.

You’re completely reasonable to feel the way you do. Look after yourself. Hide your snacks. Time for him to step up but first you need to step back. The dc are going to need parental input for some time yet. So perhaps when you are better it will be time to stop carrying the weight that should be carried by their dad and put some boundaries in place - take up an evening hobby, join a book club. Put more (much more) priority on your own life.

Flowers
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 16/03/2020 07:24

Hang on the youngest is almost 15 - surely she can look after herself for the day? Just do what you were going to do and she can look after herself. I wonder if you do too much for them. It's worth thinking about. For eg, It was a long time since i was at school but we arranged our own work experience - that was part of the experience!

OhamIreally · 16/03/2020 07:31

Have a look at the "filling in the gaps for men" thread.
Get a treat box with a lock just for yourself.
Step back. You're being used and they won't thank you for it.

Hopingtobeamum · 16/03/2020 07:31

Love the treat box idea. Your DH sounds like a bit of a prick and your DSC's mother sounds useless. The kids are lucky to have you tbh.
Have you tried a chain and padlock on the fridge? 😂

Butterymuffin · 16/03/2020 07:32

He doesn't follow rules? What a charmer. Can you get rid of him? Bet the kids would rapidly improve then.

frazzledasarock · 16/03/2020 07:33

I would just step right back from everything.

I wouldn’t be sorting out course work, and work experience and cooking and cleaning and ferrying everyone around.

If asked say you’re not good at it, he’s the father he’s fabulous at it you’re just soooo useless at it.

Why are you everyone’s skivvy?

Stop doing anything. They’ll suddenly find they manage somehow.

strawberry2017 · 16/03/2020 07:52

I feel like that the kids are old enough for you to sit and have a serious chat with.
Think beforehand about what you want to communicate but then sit and go through what you need to see from them and what they can expect from you.
DH needs to pull his weight on parenting because as much as you have done an absolutely amazing job, it sounds like you are actually parenting 3 kids!

dontdisturbmenow · 16/03/2020 09:56

OP I so feel for you. Living with teenagers is draining enough when they are yours, I can only imagine when it must be lack when they are not.

All I can say is that it really really is true that they snap out of it and suddenly turn into caring and lovely people and you'll finally get the appreciation they've failed to show so far.

I never thought my DS would actually run outside to help me with the food shopping or that he would of his own accord put it all in the fridge/cupboard. I couldn't imagine him telling me I was the best cook and hanging some of my clothes with his gf string it out of the washing machine.

Hang tight, your deserving time will come too, and it's you who'll get it the best of it.

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