I can't wait for the times that me and DH are on our own

[JusticeApple]

Is this normal?

We have my step child 50/50 but the contact days change every week so I never have a clue what days they are staying (and most importantly, neither does DC).

I really do like my step child, we get on well. But I find myself feeling disappointed when DH mentions that he is staying that night.

I don't know why, I guess the dynamic is just different and I prefer the evenings when it's just me and H.

I'm struggling with various things at the moment mental health wise and I think part of it is because I have to put on a face when he is here if that makes sense? Like I have to just be happy step mum and crack on with things. Whereas when it's just me and DH I can come home and just collapse like I need to some days.

I do feel bad though, I find myself doing a little internal 'phew!' when DH says they aren't staying tonight/they are getting picked up soon.

It's not because he's a difficult child or anything. I just feel much calmer and less mentally drained when we're on our own.

Please say you aren’t planning to have your own dc with dh as well op! I agree with others-you skins like a lovely step mum and your dh is taking advantage of you.

NO. She's not 'needy' tjat a shit word used to shut people down who are perfectly entitled to feel unhappy about something.
Being labelled as needy or self indulgent is what causes people to internalise their problems and sink deeper into depression. What awful, unkind and judgemental comments.

The op has been very balanced in her explanations. It's clear the burden of care is on her and she recognised her ss isn't entirely happy with the situation either. So perhaps the pp suggesting she should just suck it up because her needs aren't important and she's expected to act like a saint for the rest of her life need to wind their necks in a little bit.

@solomummy that's not what she said at all. I'm guessing you have never been in b her situation? Surely the number of people saying how normal it is to feel this way tells you something? And this is mumsnet the most anti step parent place there is

Your 'D'h sounds like a user! Why are you doing all those things for a 12 year old? Where's he is all of this? Him who wants his son all the time, at the last minute? Sandwiches get made by my ds's the night before! SS should be making his own!

Go back and see your GP re upping medication, re crying?

I’m a mother OP and I would struggle with this lack of structure around my own children, forget my partners children!

My exh and I do near on 50/50 and on the whole the days they are at his/ mine are adhered to pretty much 90% of the time. They get switched and changed to accommodate other things, very occasionally. And my children accept it but only because they know it’s occasional and unavoidable. They would categorically hate not knowing which house/ bed/ parent they are with and when. So You are spot on in so much that this set up is not healthy for your DS.

It works for the parents and no one else.
I’m also staggered at how much falls to you to essentially parent this child. Those core responsibilities are for the child’s parent to fulfil, not you!

I’m sorry but I think your partner is taking advantage of you. I think this is a situation most people would absolutely struggle with. I couldn’t live with it.

I am however worried for your mental health and general anxiety, that can become debilitating and impact the whole of your life. Do not let this situation do this to you.

Can you move out for a while and stay with someone? Get some space and get back to feeling a little more centred. You need an environment where you can look after yourself and meet your own needs. It’s clear your DP is unable to provide that as his needs are being met.

He sounds deeply selfish.

To those calling OP needy, I think this shows a lack of awareness about mental health. It is tantamount to the same thing as judging someone with a broken arm because they can't use it.

Adults are allowed to have needs (neutral term) without being labelled "needy" (judgmental term). My mum had severe depression. She was hospitalised. Sometimes she wasn't on best form. This didn't make her a bad parent.

Have you heard the saying "put your own oxygen mask on first"... OP is doing a lot to support SS and by extension his dad. OP is not meanwhile getting the support or stability she needs in order to manage emotionally. The whole household is leaning on someone who is already having a hard time. Dad needs to step up the parenting for SS benefit and also make some time to hear his partner's and son's opinions about the situation rather than dictating.

OP, I hope you are in regular contact with health services, don't let things get to crisis point.

Sounds to me like your DH has successfully "outsourced" all parenting responsibilities to the women.

Fuck that.

If he won't introduce a regular routine to your home life, then maybe you should make your own routine and stick to it. Perhaps you will be out with friends, or going to yoga, so that you are not available at the drop of a hat to fulfil the parenting/servant role.

I’m a mother OP and I would struggle with this lack of structure around my own children, forget my partners children!

Exactly. I couldn't live with an arrangement like this in regards to my DS, never mind DSC. I just would not allow it to happen, for the benefit of both me and DS.

It's not being 'needy' or 'uncaring' or anything else that gets levelled at SMs; it really is just an unfair and untenable situation for the OP.

I totally get where you're coming from. I love all 3 of my step children (9, 16 and 17) but when my partner doesnt tell me they're coming it does annoy me. I work 3 nights out of 7, and my dp will sometimes be working late, we also have a dd who is 19 months who is occasionally abit of a bugger to get to bed so I look forward to having time with my dp in the evenings. But when the dsc are here the vibe is definatly different. I feel kind of abit pushed out and like I cant do what I want in my own house. Also when the you gest stays when I have work, i get home in the morning and hes quite often asleep in our bed. One will be in their bedroom and the eldest usually sleeps on the sofa because he likes to watch tv til the early hours. So I have to come in and go to the bathroom to get changed, and creep around d the house not wanting to wake them, when almost want to do really is flop on the sofa and watch tv with my dd. I feel like it would start a row that i cant be bothered to have if I asked him to not let dss sleep in our bed. But I just feel like that's my sanctuary, j have to share every other part if my hone and life but my bedroom is money and my dps and ours only

I love all these people who say "why are you doing all of this ?" - tell me exactly what the father should do as regards e.g. meals, lunches etc with all of this ? Tell them that they have to go to the supermarket to buy things specifically for their own children ? Tell them that they have to cook ? I know people will say " oh well its just one mouth " blah blah and "you will have stuff " but in my own situation it is 2 as opposed to 4 so takes a little bit of extra planning and shopping ahead . It's teens that I get who seem to expect there to be a full fridge and supplies regardless of the fact that their own mother doesn't have that . I do this because my H and I are partners in this . As to the OP then I could not stand this last minute business as that is what does my head in . You need to get this sorted .

If wanting 24/7 alone with a partner, then pick one with no children
What a load of bollocks .