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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I can't wait for the times that me and DH are on our own

60 replies

JusticeApple · 12/03/2020 18:51

Is this normal?

We have my step child 50/50 but the contact days change every week so I never have a clue what days they are staying (and most importantly, neither does DC).

I really do like my step child, we get on well. But I find myself feeling disappointed when DH mentions that he is staying that night.

I don't know why, I guess the dynamic is just different and I prefer the evenings when it's just me and H.

I'm struggling with various things at the moment mental health wise and I think part of it is because I have to put on a face when he is here if that makes sense? Like I have to just be happy step mum and crack on with things. Whereas when it's just me and DH I can come home and just collapse like I need to some days.

I do feel bad though, I find myself doing a little internal 'phew!' when DH says they aren't staying tonight/they are getting picked up soon.

It's not because he's a difficult child or anything. I just feel much calmer and less mentally drained when we're on our own.

OP posts:

Maxhiggins · 12/03/2020 19:28

It's also your house and it's your house full time. It's really not confusing, look at all the replies on here everyone understands, no one is confused apart from the first poster and it's MN so to be expected.

Original poster

JusticeApple · 12/03/2020 19:29

I don't think it's self indulgence. I'm suffering with depression at the moment, I'm on medication and going through counselling but yeah I still have days where I struggle to keep compose.

OP posts:

DisasterousManagementPlan · 12/03/2020 19:31

It's your house too, and his son being there changes all your evening plans.

And your poor DSS can't plan anything either. It's not him choosing to come - he's just being passed around to suit his parents. That's no good for him.

If he did come to life in your house most of the time, with a regular agreement, it'd be far less stressful. You'd all be able to plan for it. And your DH can step up and do the parenting.

I agree that your DH needs to agree a regular pattern of contact (50-50) with his ex. And she needs to take responsibility for organising her work around that, or arranging her own childcare. Both of them do.

Wolfgirrl · 12/03/2020 19:32

Well say you wanted to plan a meal out with DH, how would you know when to do it?

Or say stepson needed you to pick him up/give him a lift one evening, how would you know to be available?

I would also be honest and say while you get along well with your stepson, maybe just one evening a week it would be nice to know in advance that you will be alone with DH so you can enjoy time as a couple. But of course there will always be times something doesnt go to plan and he will need to come over at short notice etc, and that's not a problem.

Good luck!

DeeCeeCherry · 12/03/2020 19:36

What parenting do you actually have to do? Your SS isn't a baby. & he's not there every day. So you're not required to be hands-on.

It sounds as if you don't want him there taking up his Dad's time and attention. You want your DH to yourself. But he's a Dad so that's not feasible. I wonder what on earth you'll do if the day ever comes in the future that SS possibly staying for a few days, or living with you? You may find you get short shrift re set days. Child might like ad hoc and it's about him as much as it is about you. What if set days don't work? But I'm guessing you'll be happy with less visits anyway.

Maxhiggins · 12/03/2020 19:44

@deeceecherry are you a step parent? With anxiety?

Original poster

JusticeApple · 12/03/2020 19:45

DeeCee, I do school runs a lot, make his lunches, make his tea, do most of the house work, I'm often the one asking him to tidy his room, do his homework, whatever. He's quite a young 12 emotionally wise and likes to spend his time with us, doing things together etc ...

It's nothing to do with him taking his dad's attention away from me, I've been living with this arrangement for a long time, when he was much younger and needed a lot more care and it was never a problem before.

I genuinely believe child would benefit from set days as much as anyone else, they've made comments in the past and we struggled up until recently with upsets leaving one house for the other etc... You can think it's just for my benefit if you like but I do believe, knowing my step son, that he would prefer it.

Well say you wanted to plan a meal out with DH, how would you know when to do it?

We can't basically. It's been an issue before now, trying to arrange something and having to swap and change and mess around at the last minute.

OP posts:

MoonahStone · 12/03/2020 19:53

Can I ask OP, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, why are you doing all those things to support your SS?

Original poster

JusticeApple · 12/03/2020 19:56

I don't know, I guess I feel like I should. I've always done more around the house because DH works more so I've just carried on doing so when SS is here as well.

OP posts:

Dozer · 12/03/2020 19:59

Your DH and his ex could be much better parents.

Your DH could be a better partner to you too.

I feel sorry for your stepson. Sounds like you’re working hard to be good to him, but actually you’re helping to enable a set up that doesn’t feel stable for him.

Wolfgirrl · 12/03/2020 20:10

Gosh OP I didnt realise you did that much for him. Your DH is being very unreasonable expecting you to parent his son without grumbling! It comes across as very sexist, could you imagine a situation where your DH does all that for somebody elses child?

I would say you are well within your right to insist upon an open conversation with DH and his ex wife where you openly and honestly discuss how the whole situation is unfair for you and your stepson, and only convenient for them.

You dont need your DH's permission to start this conversation due to the impact it has on you.

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2020 20:17

Of course it's normal OP. It sounds like your partner has very little empathy and you are too scared to talk to him. You say he wouldn't understand because it's his son and he would be happy to see him as much as possible - well he should have the intelligence to realise that SS is NOT your son so it's not at all confusing or strange if you are not quite as keen. Personally I would expect to be consulted before an impromptu plan was made, but that is my set up I guess. Your partner's thoughtless attitude is made doubly annoying by the fact that you're doing all the mothering. He expects you to put on your perfect step mum/housewife persona at the drop of a hat and do the parenting he should be doing. I'm sure you'll say that's an exaggeration and he's great with his son, but by rights he should be doing ALL of the parenting when his son is there so you do need to realise that he is asking a lot of you by expecting you to be as hands on as you are with his son. Which is naturally a big part of why it would be common courtesy of him to let you know in advance before he expects one of "those" nights. Him assuming it wouldn't be a problem might be a bit more understandable if you could just have your feet up the whole time your SS is there, but that obviously isn't the case.

As others have said, it's perfectly normal to want to know what's going on in your life, not to feel like the mental plans you have are constantly being disappointed, and I do think it's also very sad that you are so down you feel like you need to just sit and cry, and your partner is so blind to the affect it's having on you that he refuses to compromise at all as to him there is nothing wrong. Is he aware of your mental health issues? Is he aware how this set up is exacerbating them?

Beamur · 12/03/2020 20:25

You aren't being unreasonable at all.
However, what does SS want?
Given you're doing lots of practical 'parenting' anyway, why can't you have a set pattern of when he stays?
As he is 12, you can still do stuff like go out for dinner etc,. He either comes with you or stays at home. It's not as if he's an age that requires a babysitter.
My DSC'S preferred a week with us and a week with their Mum at this age because it made it so much easier for them to manage. Both parents missed them on the other weeks, but it worked better for the kids.
Unless parents are working weird shifts, a bit of time alone at this age us generally ok. Maybe for an hour or two.

Qwertygert · 12/03/2020 22:20

I couldn't cope with not knowing. With my SD we have the year more or less planned out (I sort it to fit around DH shifts and mine) with SS it is all a week in advance and I have told DH i cannot continue with it because I find it ovewhelming not knowing what is happening and is an anxiety trigger for me. I also think it makes it more difficult as we know when DH is free but poor SSs mum is asked a week in advance meaning she might have plans. I have said we need him to discuss a longer term plan with SS so that I can have a little more control in my life. I would freak out if I didn't know if I was coming home to a kid! Even changing nights affects me as with my DD the nights are set nights so we have a routine. SD it can be two in a row or one at either side of the week so I am slightly on my toes with it! sending hugs!! x

SandyY2K · 14/03/2020 00:38

I think a lot of new stepmums do a lot of parental duties to impress in the beginning of a relationship........then they get stuck with them.

I'm not sure why a good number of women see it as their duty to make packed lunches etc for a stepchild, when their father should be fully capable of doing those things.

Do what you're happy to do, or you will be resentful.

With regards to your SS not knowing where he's staying, perhaps you could mention to your DH that it can be unsettling and for his son's sake, maybe they could try more regular days.

I think it's good that you've picked up how his DS feels.

monkeymonkey2010 · 14/03/2020 00:48

Do you realise you're husband is USING YOU to shove HIS parenting responsibilities onto whilst he indulges himself?

He doesn't even care for his own son's feelings to put him first - and give him a stable routine.
HE wants to play Disney-Dad and gives it all the talk about "wanting to spend as much time with my son as possible"....yet YOU are the one doing the things that HE, as the PARENT, should be doing!

How about you stop putting yourself at the bottom of this shit pile?
This is YOUR HOME TOO - and you have every right to feel comfortable in it.
You have a right to insist on a routine for step-son staying over, so you can have time to unwind/be yourself/focus on your marriage....that way you'd be better able to enjoy having your step-son when he comes round.

Why don't you STOP doing all the things you do for your step-son?
Take a step back and tell your husband that HE steps up and does it whilst you take time out for yourself?
Of course, he's going to turn it round on you and accuse you of "not being interested" in his son....at which point you make it clear that HE is the parent and parenting is HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

This shit-bag, inconsiderate, Disney-dad husband of yours has got you convinced that you have no rights in your home own home - yet it's your job to shoulder all HIS responsibilities.

You have a husband-problem, not a step-mum problem.

Butterymuffin · 14/03/2020 01:05

His parents are really letting this child down. He deserves stability and to know where he'll be sleeping on any given night. Not doing that because it suits them, either of them, is shit. You're the only one doing the right thing by him from the sound of it! No wonder you're depressed.

Could your husband push for more contact, i.e. the majority of the week, but on a more fixed basis?

SoloMummy · 14/03/2020 07:19

You sound incredibly needy op.

This isn't a dig, but maybe you need to focus on your needs and being involved with someone who is a parent may just not be right for you at this time.

I have to put on a face when he is here that is parenting I'm afraid. Imagine op if you became the full time carers of the child and had none or very little of you getting your ohs 100% attention? May not seem likely, but it COULD happen. If that fills you with even more dread then you need to review this.

Northernparent68 · 14/03/2020 07:25

What ever the rights and wrongs of this situation you need to see a dr about your mental state.

Maxhiggins · 14/03/2020 07:38

@solomummy she doesn't seem needy at all she's seems like a perfectly normal person with normal needs such as routine and time with her OH

Pulpfiction1 · 14/03/2020 07:45

I Completely understand where you are coming from. I used to feel like this with my ss.

I explained to my dh as how he would feel if my mum came to stay eow.
Yes I like him but I can't fully relax in my own home I feel I have to be "on".

In the end we made adjustments. So our bedroom was a no go zone and I could go chill there on my own with no questions asked. I could go out and so things on my own and not have to play "mum" the whole time. Dh took responsibility for planning days and meals.

It worked much better. I still did things with them and for them but when I wanted to rather than when I felt I had too.

Things also got easier when I had my own kids and ss got older. I find a teen much easier to get on with rather than a little kid that needs "looking after".

SoloMummy · 14/03/2020 08:28

@Maxhiggins
I disagree. She's an adult but cannot manage daily life without absolute attention of her partner and in effect resents the sc. That is needy.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/03/2020 08:39

I feel for your SS. Children pick up on things very easily and he will know your feelings. I never get why adults enter a relationship with another adult with existing children and then begrudge them. It’s not an unknown and at any point they could be there full time. If wanting 24/7 alone with a partner, then pick one with no children.

SoloMummy · 14/03/2020 09:00

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I totally agree.

aSofaNearYou · 14/03/2020 10:18

@SoloMummy

She's not "needy" she has acknowledged she is struggling with a variety of mental health issues, how callous can you get? It's verging on cliche at this point, but Be Kind.

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