Mother's Day , what to do?

[greenflowerlime]

Hi all,

From my previous post I introduced myself as a wife for my husband for 7 years and we don't have a child of our own. He has excuses why he thinks it's not the right timing yet. He has also an 11 year old daughter who is living with her mom. Biomom and my husband never been in a relationship and the daughter was made of trapping (as rude as it sounds) but I also believe it takes two to tango ofcourse. Anyhow, I will leave that behind now.

So Mother's day is around the corner and it's a very sensitive occasion for me. I am trying to be rational, when my stepdaughter was 4 years old until 7 years old we helped her buy mothers day gift for her mom on behalf of her. Her mum then started living with a man who she had child with and they then take over buyign stuff for mother's day and we don't get involved (which I actually liked, im being honest). Recently biomom and the boyfriend split up and it's Mother's day is coming. I am unsure if my husband will get involved again about mother's day gift but I am dreading to hear or see it but I don't want to ask cause I am currently working on my self esteem and don't want to come across insecure however it's reminding me that I don't get to celebrate this as I am still waiting for my husband's go signal to tell me to stop taking pills and plan to have a child.

In my head right now, it will be hurtful for me to see him prepare for a mother's day (whethere it's on behalf of my stepdaughter or not) to the biomom and nothing from me. I don't know what to do or ask to him. But if it's in my decision, I don't want him to get involve as what we have been doing for the past 4 years.

If you want to be a mum it means putting children first. Focus on doing right by your SD and not on your own issues in relation to Mothers Day. If you have problems with your DH they are separate to your SD. Don't lump them together.

He doesn’t want children with you op. He can say whatever nice things he wants to about you should stay home with a baby and he’ll take care of the money side because it will never happen.
I guess you want to give him a chance. ‘Dh about having a baby, my weight is a terrible excuse. I know you really mean you don’t want a baby. I do, and it’s non negotiable. Every year we are together and can’t start trying for a baby gets closer to the year I’m done being lied to, which is how it feels. It’s your decision to make as you whether you want children but if you are lying to me then this is no kind of marriage. When do you want to start trying for a baby?’

And set yourself a deadline. In your shoes I wouldn’t spend my 30th in a relationship with this man if he still didn’t want to he trying for a baby. I’d be gone, looking for mr right, not mr full of lies to shut me up.

But expecting a parent not to support a child in making sure their mother has a nice day on Mother's Day is particularly unreasonable.

More unreasonable than telling a woman the reason you don't want to have kids with her is because you don't want her to get fat? I too couldn't help but notice that in true MN form you completely glossed over all the red flags in this post, focused purely on the one bit about her step daughter and told OP to grow up.

OP, as you say you are new to MN, well there are a lot of rules about how Step parents are allowed to feel and act on here. As you can see, a majority of people are far more focused on you saying "biomum" than your actual post, and in addition to that you are not allowed to ever struggle with your partner doing things for/with their ex, and if you do you need to "grow up". I don't think you need to grow up, I think your feelings are quite natural and common, but in the kindest way possible the fact that this kind of thing makes you upset does show you would probably be a lot happier with someone who doesn't have kids so it isn't an issue.

Like PPs, I don't think he wants more kids. I think he is stringing you along, and the reasons he has given for not wanting more (in particular the one about not wanting you to put on weight) are very concerning. He isn't kind to you, cares more about your appearance than sharing this life experience with you, and the situation with his daughter and ex makes you unhappy. It's clear that being a parent is very important to you or Mother's Day wouldn't upset you so much. I don't think this is a good relationship for you.

OP comes here for some advice and maybe sympathy.

Gets told off by the usual vipers for her terminology.

Some very bitter and twisted women on this website, they don't seem to be able to help themselves.

Sad little lives.

He told me he wants to have kids with me of course but I have to lose weight and be matured enough (him not considering me taking pills for 7 years and not being selfish for being pregnant, yes I am immature lol)

The background is my husband never had a relationship with this woman, only a night stand and she got pregnant. She told him that she was on pills. Obviously it takes two to tango, I have accepted it now. He promised himself he'll be father to his daughter no matter what the situation is and he received a lot of abuse from that woman to the point he tried to kill himself. Emotional blackmails, shouting, making him feel guilts and made his life hell when the daughter was young. To the point that he never liked the child (just not that she's grown up)

I understand the situation and I know it was really traumatising for him so I waited and waited when he's ready. I can easily take off from the pill if I really want to but I will never do that to him because I really love him and I would like him to be genuinely ready however not sure when he will be. I am back to losing weight and also closed all my social medias to help me become mature enough but in a year or so, will he come up with new excuse?

I never liked the mother of my SD as she gave us a lot of hell for the first few years of life, also tried to ruin our wedding before. I am being honest but I couldn't help why she can be a mother and receive loving gifts whilst me I am very decent and kind but I don't qualify as one? She's minging. 3 kids with different men, not working and only relying on support from the dads and government. Even the children are quite grown up, no will to find a part time job.

I have been here in this country and left a good life where i was living. Made my life here, climbed up the ladder and succesful career wise. Met new people. get along with everyone.

When I was 8 stones, my DH hated it. He even told me to leave my previous job because I am getting attention. He didn't want me getting pregnant then so now me overweight is a non qualifying traits to be pregnant. I don't know.

I did individual counselling for the first time and it made me realise how much sacrifices I did for him. The counsellor strongly recommend to get him to counselling too but he doesn't want to cause he thinks nothing's wrong with him.

He gets worse and worse the more you say about him.
He doesn’t want a child.
He’s borderline abusive.
He’s stringing you along.
He comes with lots of drama.
This has nothing to do with his daughter.
You need to get serious with yourself and really think about whether this is a relationship worth staying in. If you faff about another ten years making excuses for him the chances are it will be too late for you to have the family you want.

He doesn't want any more children.

Your husband is a scumbag. Controlling your weight? Dangling the prize of his sperm on the condition that you look appealing to him, and no other man isn’t to look at you? Run, free yourself, don’t force a kid to have that for a parent.

You sound really unhappy. You are young enough to leave him and start a new life on your own. Think about your long term happiness and future, can you see him in it?

It is not normal or healthy that he monitors your weight so closely, including being jealous and controlling and attempting to isolate you when you were 8st. It's astonishing how casual you are about it. The fact that despite that he thinks there's "nothing wrong with him" tells you he is blind to these controlling behaviours and won't change. I know this wasn't what you started this thread about, but honestly you should run a mile from this man.

Wow red flags a go go here op

Any man who badmouths his ex like that is a no go, this is a classic tactic ‘oh Sharon did xy and z and look at what a scummy slag she is and i nearly killed myself and she’s the entire reason i’m a terrible father but you’d never do anything like that would you you’re nice and biddable’

Honestly op start a new post on the relationships board. He sounds awful. You deserve better than this.

I would bet my house this ‘she told me she was on the pill but she never’ is a pack of lies to discourage you from the temptation to indulge in the same behaviour op. Likewise the ‘oh it was just a one night stand’ classic. So your dh doesn’t use condoms when he has one night stands? Has he ever been tested for stds? Have you?

Don’t get him counselling. Just tell him to fuck off and find someone better.

@greenflowerlime
I trust him with that sense as when she got pregnant and made his life hell and actually our life hell for good few years I know what kind of woman she is. All his family and friends never seen the woman at all even on the picture that's how embarrassed he is about her. Since then he never done casual s** anymore as he was scared to get someone pregnant again so with STDs concern, we're OK. We would know of course as we are 7 years together.

Few weeks ago he said he is not happy with me anymore and would like to separate lives. I pleaded and said I will change. (be mature enough, no social media, go gym, etc and even try his transition food being vegetarian) but it's pushing me to the edge that I am starting to feel I am walking on egg shells if I don't do what his ways that he thinks make him genuinely happy and best in life. I recently did counselling and I found out how much sacrifices I have done and how flexible and adaptive I am in this relationship but his guard is still high, he won't change because he said he's already happy so for him if I want to stay, just be OK with his attitude and ways.

I am very family oriented person and would like our marriage to work. We'll have counselling and I am hoping he can lower his guard to learn compassion not just to me but also with other people. If anyone would like me to show my picture how I look like for you guys to know how decent I am, I am willing to share.

a picture doesn't prove anything about a person's moral fibre or fitness for parenthood op. all you know about his ex is what he has told you about her. and people can have some stds for years and years without symptoms. and as for the rest of it, honestly, open your eyes and continue attending counselling. if this is even real, which i'm beginning to wonder about tbh.

None of us need to see a picture to prove you are thin enough for his love, it is awful that he has put those demands on you and you have internalised it enough to think that is reasonable and others would agree.
A
He is superficial, jealous, controlling and doesn't care if you are happy as long as he is. You could do so much better.

Bloody hell, he's done a real number on you. You are worth so much more than this. There are men out there who will love you for all of you. Don't waste any more precious years on this asshole.

Greenflowerlime, imagine yourself at 40 and looking back at your life, probably with no kids because you waited for him to "lower his guard" or whatever or with a kid that he doesn't really want (because yes, it's possible to convience a man sometimes). Will you be happy?
Now, imagine you at 40 with a family oriented man who wanted 2 kids like you, who accepts you for who you are, doesn't monitor your weight or your maturity lever.
What do you prefer?

Concentrate on what you REALLY want. And probably you'll realise that what you really want is a family, not a kid with a specific guy, especially not one who doesn't really respect you.

You are still young, but separating, meeting a new man, developping a relationship takes time and trust me, you don't want to be a 30 something y.old woman with a ticking biological clock looking for a man, because men smell desperation and run away. You'd better do it while you're young.

Do you even realise that a guy who tells you that you have to get off the social media to be mature or that you have to lose weight to be pregnant is being controlling? And controlling is immature.

Please talk about it with your therapist and learn how you can appreciate yourself more and find a better man.

I have been a step mum for 6 years and a biological mum for 2. I completely understand that it feels abit hurtful to see your partner prepare mothers day gifts when you are so desperate to be a mother yourself. Before my partners ex got a new husband we used to make sure the kids got her mothers day gifts and birthday gifts as I do think that's the respectful thing to do just as far as sharing children goes. As that parent may not get these token gifts if it not for the other one of you see my point?
I think the issue is here you need to sit down with your partner and tell him how much you really want a baby and if he cannot commit to this I'm the short terms it's very selfish as he knew this about you when you met I assume? Your feelings are totally valid bit I think just misdirected and I hope you understand what I mean xx

I don't see OP asking her H not to help daughter in her post. She isn't. It's just bloody hard when you want a child and have a ringside seat to other people's shared love with their children. I have been there. Did I find the handmade cards popping through the door on father's day plucked a nerve for me? Yes. Did I take it out on the children? No, I said, how lovely. Demonising the OP for her private feelings is the opposite of what a forum should be for.

If OP were in a healthy relationship it should be possible to discuss with DH that mother's day raises feelings of sadness about not having a child.

However. OP, the issue of SD and her mum is a total red herring here... your partner's behaviour is controlling and I echo those who said go to the relationships board. Whether he wants a child or not, he does not get to police your weight. My guess is he doesn't want a child but likes having the leverage over you, to be frank.

I too couldn't help but notice that in true MN form you completely glossed over all the red flags in this post

I actually said that it was clear there were issues with her partner. But true to form, you ignore that. Regardless, there is still a child who presumably wants to treat her mum to something on mother's day and there is a father who hopefully wants to make that happen. Whatever the issues maybe with the OP's marriage, that shouldn't change that.

Oh and 'minging'. Wow.

Mother's day is the least of your problems. Your relationship isn't so good. You have a controlling man, not allowing autonomy over your own body and he's stringing you along.

He doesn't sound like it was worth relocating countries for him at all. He doesn't seem to have any redeeming qualities.

Don't settle for less than you're worth.

I actually said that it was clear there were issues with her partner. But true to form, you ignore that.

On your third comment, after being heavily prompted by someone else, you conceded there were issues, yes, but your first two comments completely ignored them because you'd predictably latched on to the only part that mattered to you; the step daughter getting help to buy her mum a gift. Not the coercive control or the worrying way in which OP thinks it is ok. You even told her to grow up, which nobody who was actually remotely bothered by the way she's being treated would do.