Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Mother's Day , what to do?

48 replies

greenflowerlime · 09/03/2020 12:12

Hi all,

From my previous post I introduced myself as a wife for my husband for 7 years and we don't have a child of our own. He has excuses why he thinks it's not the right timing yet. He has also an 11 year old daughter who is living with her mom. Biomom and my husband never been in a relationship and the daughter was made of trapping (as rude as it sounds) but I also believe it takes two to tango ofcourse. Anyhow, I will leave that behind now.

So Mother's day is around the corner and it's a very sensitive occasion for me. I am trying to be rational, when my stepdaughter was 4 years old until 7 years old we helped her buy mothers day gift for her mom on behalf of her. Her mum then started living with a man who she had child with and they then take over buyign stuff for mother's day and we don't get involved (which I actually liked, im being honest). Recently biomom and the boyfriend split up and it's Mother's day is coming. I am unsure if my husband will get involved again about mother's day gift but I am dreading to hear or see it but I don't want to ask cause I am currently working on my self esteem and don't want to come across insecure however it's reminding me that I don't get to celebrate this as I am still waiting for my husband's go signal to tell me to stop taking pills and plan to have a child.

In my head right now, it will be hurtful for me to see him prepare for a mother's day (whethere it's on behalf of my stepdaughter or not) to the biomom and nothing from me. I don't know what to do or ask to him. But if it's in my decision, I don't want him to get involve as what we have been doing for the past 4 years.

OP posts:

Whatifitallgoesright · 09/03/2020 13:32

How old are you and how many children did you imagine having?

Original poster

greenflowerlime · 09/03/2020 14:33

@Whatifitallgoesright

I am 28 and imagining having maximum of 2. I don't mind having just one cause life here in UK is quite expensive

OP posts:

Whatifitallgoesright · 09/03/2020 15:48

I don't think you need to get involved with the SD and Mothers Day at all. She's old enough now to choose what she wants to buy and probably has pocket money, she just needs prompting to remember from her Dad if he's got her the week before and maybe they go out to the shops together - you don't have to go.

This seems more about your desire to have a child, are you becoming unsure whether your husband actually wants anymore? I think after 7 years in a marriage I would be wondering. How old is he and have you sat down and had a good chat lately about planning what would happen? Financial expectations? How long would you have/expect off in maternity leave? Do you want to drop to part-time after? How does he feel about being sole breadwinner? How will you split childcare costs? I think he owes you a bit of reassurance - he might not have even realised quite how strongly you're feeling about this.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/03/2020 16:31

Does she get pocket money? Is she allowed to go out on her own (I would assume so at 11). At that age, my kids took responsibility to buying their own mother's and father's day cards. I might have reminded them of dates for father's day and maybe he did the same.

I'm sure your DH can just bring it up in a text or call, you don't have to be involved at all.

Original poster

greenflowerlime · 09/03/2020 16:35

@Whatifitallgoesright

"maybe they go out to the shops together - you don't have to go." - this actually makes me more get upset as he is doing something to the woman being a mother and not for me who is his wife for ages. I would really feel left out again if they do something that I am out of it. I moved here in UK and I don't have anyone else, it is frustrating that a right for me to create my own family has been taken away. He knows how I wanted a child, but due to visa costs we set it aside but I am now done with visa and another excuse came up to me, he said he doesn't want me being overweight and be pregnant. I am 11 stones right now and 5'2 in height.

Financial wise, we are more stable than what we were. Our household is near 70K a year and I have savings, he has savings so financial wise I don't think we have problem about it. He wants me to not work when we have a child as he thinks childcare costs as much as most people wages. He'd rather me look after the child than me being a part time so no issues with money. He also is happy about him doing what he wants and we can go date nights whenever we want to. He is also scared of having our own and cause our relationship to break as he thinks children are stressful and we are already happy just being with each other. He also mentioned all the time that if he doesn't have a daughter he wouldn't have a kid. This was not mentioned pre-wedding.

His age is early 30s

OP posts:

Sotiredofthislife · 09/03/2020 17:04

this actually makes me more get upset as he is doing something to the woman being a mother and not for me who is his wife for ages

You have some growing up to do. This is sod all to do with ‘the woman’ and all about ensuring the child is able to give her mum a gift on a special day. It is absolutely the correct thing to do to support gift giving on special occasions, particularly if there is no family to help out. How do you think she will feel she has no gift to give her mum?

Whatifitallgoesright · 09/03/2020 17:38

He doesn't want you getting pregnant because you'll gain weight? That's the excuse now? He knows he won't be number one anymore if you have a child, his needs will come second and he doesn't like the sound of this. It sounds to me like he actually doesn't want more children. I don't suppose you were thinking much about this at 21 but you are now.

I don't know what to advise. At 28 it's not urgent but the worse scenario is that he keeps putting it off and you discover at 38 that you have fertility problems.

HillAreas · 09/03/2020 19:30

He is also scared of having our own and cause our relationship to break as he thinks children are stressful and we are already happy just being with each other. He also mentioned all the time that if he doesn't have a daughter he wouldn't have a kid.

He thinks you’re happy just as you are - you aren’t. He either doesn’t know or doesn’t care how you feel, neither of which is a good sign.

If he’s mentioning all the time that he wouldn’t choose to have a child, at what point do you realistically anticipate him saying “let’s make babies, Greenflower!” He’s telling you loud and clear that he doesn’t want a child with you.

You either need to accept that you will never have a child with this man or leave him while you are still young enough to try again with someone who wants what you want.

The child can sort her own Mother’s Day - that’s the least of your concerns.

Tyersal · 09/03/2020 19:42

@sotiredofthislife it's not fair to say she needs to grow up, lots of women would feel this way, there was a time when I would have done (I've emotionally detached from it all now) it's not uncommon

DameBurleyChassis · 09/03/2020 19:50

I’m a stepmum but for the love of god stop calling your DSD’s mum ‘biomom’. In any case, your DSD’s gift for her mum shouldn’t be any concern of yours.

That aside, you talk a lot about what your husband wants but it seems to me like there are bigger issues here.

Original poster

greenflowerlime · 09/03/2020 20:00

Hi DameBurleyChassis, I am quite new here and not much learnt abbreviations or code names. I just read somewhere that’s how they call the biological mothers. What’s the right word? You can enlighten me.

OP posts:

Tyersal · 09/03/2020 20:21

@greenflowerlime it is factually correct and is used on other parenting forums, people on here get offended by it though.

Lulu1919 · 09/03/2020 20:26

Wouldn't 'her mother' cover it ???

Ludways · 09/03/2020 20:57

You dh taking his dd shopping is doing something for his daughter, not his ex. My dh helped his dd to shop for her mum for years, never bothered me. I think the issue with your dh is that he doesn't want the same thing as you,

Luckystar20 · 09/03/2020 20:58

You're issue here isnt the mothers present its you're dh and you're wish in having a child of you're own.

canterburytales · 09/03/2020 21:08

She's her mum. Not bio mum. You are step mum (if the child is close enough to you to want to be that to you). No need to distinguish it really. It's not about the mum or you, it's about a dad doing something decent on behalf of his young child.

MadameButterface · 09/03/2020 21:13

It’s not the mum’s (mum is fine, no bio needed) fault that your dh is dragging his feet about having a child with you. He is behaving quite badly tbh. It’s ok to not be ready to want dc, for anyone, for any reason, and he may well have a bit of fear about it all if his existing experience of parenting isn’t the picture perfect nuclear family scenario we’re all conditioned to be invested in and see as the ideal. But he should be honest with you, not keep coming up with different ad hoc reasons all the time.

Re your actual question, it would be nice of you to remind him/your sd that mother’s day is coming up, and has she got her mum something? That’s all you need to do but really this emotional labour shouldn’t fall to you - just as you shouldn’t have to remind him about for eg his mum’s birthday or whatever

The bigger issue seems to be that he sounds like he is quite unkind and controlling towards you. 11st and 5’2” isn’t skinny no but it’s not massive either and shouldn’t be an issue in pregnancy if you’re otherwise fit and healthy. You’re young, are you a lot younger than him? And you live away from the country you grew up in? Do you have a good support network here? Is he supportive of you being in touch and visiting people from your home country?

If i was you op i would start a new thread in relationships, asking about the having dc issue. I can see why you have anger and resentment towards the mum of his dc as it must be throwing up a lot of sadness for you. But to throw out a mn favourite, i think you have a dh problem. I’m sorry. Mother’s day throws up a lot of emotions for people in various situations, and my heart goes out to you

timetest · 09/03/2020 23:34

Your partner sounds very unkind to you. Do you really want to waste your youth on a man who doesn’t share your wish to have a child?

I think an 11 year old is quite capable of buying a card and a gift for her mother on her own.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 10/03/2020 00:18

TBH, I wouldn’t be expecting anyone from my ex and much less so his partner after we both have moved into other relationships, let maternal granny do that work but don’t stop dad from doing it if he wishes to, at the end of the day, he is doing it for his DD not his ex.

And I’m sorry to say this OP but he is NOT the one preventing you from having kids, it is YOU. He has already told you he doesn’t want children, if you do, stop hurting yourself and get out of this relationship, you are young enough to find a nice person who wants to have kids, staying on this one is like banging your head against a brick wall until it bleeds.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 10/03/2020 00:19

Not anyone, anything.

Sotiredofthislife · 10/03/2020 06:39

it's not fair to say she needs to grow up, lots of women would feel this way

My children have a father who will not help with gifts for me. He expects gifts, however. There is no maternal granny, no siblings on my side of the family. I don’t care but I can assure you they do. The number of people unable to see that bigger picture is astonishing.

Tyersal · 10/03/2020 06:59

@sotiredofthislife there are more sides to the bigger picture and none more important than others. On here however the SMs side /feelings are often mocked or pushed aside and that's not fair

Lllot5 · 10/03/2020 07:07

Like Pp have said the word is mum or mother no need to qualify it as biomum.
I don’t think your Dh wants another child and he’s stringing you along.
No need for you to get involved in buying Mother’s Day gifts, your dh and his dd can do that themselves.

Sotiredofthislife · 10/03/2020 08:55

there are more sides to the bigger picture and none more important than others. On here however the SMs side /feelings are often mocked or pushed aside and that's not fair

I agree that the OP has some issues here with her partner. That much is very clear. But expecting a parent not to support a child in making sure her mother has a nice day on Mother's Day is particularly unreasonable. Again, as someone in this situation, I recognise that there isn't much I can do so I dont' get upset about it. But my children did when they were younger and the irony of me having to give them money to buy me presents because their father won't really isn't lost on them now they're older. It is hard to avoid Mother's Day when out shopping, on the TV or just general advertising. They know it's coming and want to please.

Tyersal · 10/03/2020 09:03

I don't think she is expecting him not to? She is strong that she is struggling with it and that's understandable. That's how I read it anyway I could be wrong, wouldn't be the first time

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread