AIBU- increasing visits

[Anuta77]

So as some of you might remember, my DP has 2 sons (almost 20 and 17) from ex#1 and SD (13) from ex#2.
We used to live in the same city, but when we started living together and he knew I wanted another child, he said we need a house AND that he hates the city because of traffic. As houses are expensive in the city, we had to buy one in the suburbs (35-40 min away from them). We chose a town with a train, but the gouv. decided to redo the whole train network, so the train is cancelled on weekends.
Both of his sons stopped coming to see us unless specifically invited at about 15. SD continued coming EOW, so DP would take advantage and go visit his sons while picking her up on Fridays (4-5 hours in total) and bringing her back on Sundays (3-4 hrs in total). And the weekend she wasn't with us, he would visit them all (3-4 hrs).
Recently, his sons started a new job, so they work Fridays nights and Sundays until 5. SD's piano class was also in the city, so he would bring her on Sunday, but now that he can't see his sons because of their work, he moved it to Tuesday (another 3 hrs). So he's gone visiting them on Friday, Sunday and for the piano class every other Tuesday.
There are times when he go there on Friday and none of his sons are home. Other times they call him because they want to see him, but their time is limited (has to be after XYZ or before XYZ). There were times when SD would be washing her hair when he goes, so he just sits there waiting or SD would be gone shopping with the mother....And he doesn't complain.
Obviously, it's his children and I understand that he wants to see them, but when he's gone, I'm left home with my children and without a car. And taking care of the toddler alone, which makes it almost impossible to do anything with my 12 year old.
Because all this travel takes him so much time, he's then busy working (he's a freelancer) and fixing things in the house when he's back home and doesn't really stay with the toddler to give me time for myself or to take my oldest out. I don't even mention couple's time!
AIBU to get annoyed with him gone so many hours when he's busy?

I don’t understand why he can’t check every time he drives down they are actually available. It’s madness. Why is he just blindly driving down there?

Do you think he is purposely taking himself out of the house?

He should be helping you out with the toddler. He should be managing his time more efficiently.

Does he visit other people when he is in the area?

I think posters have given you a hard time

Thank you so much for the nice replies. I'm pretty sure that not having much help and always being tired affected my relationship with SD that I was writing about in the past. How can I be patient and nice when I lack sleep/alone time?

So today we went to see friends half way and continued to his son's place at about 6 pm when the SS who specifically asked to see him was supposed to be home after work. Guess what? He wasn't there, he went somewhere else after work! We stayed until 7:30 pm and he was too far to get home. DP justified him that he "didn't know at what time he was coming". At what time did he think he was coming on a Sunday evening?

The older SS was home not doing anything special (how about visiting his dad?), but DP mostly interacted with the ex who needed help with a printer issue. My toddler was way past his bedtime, my older son was the last one left at a friend's party in our town and all this for nothing.
There are often visitors in their house, so DP interacts with them as well, so it's not necessarily undivided attention for his sons and I guess he enjoys it as we both work from home...
With all this, he refuses to move back to the city for the things to be easier. The only way to go back is for us to break up.

Maybe he was quite "hands off" with the others when they were little.
I find it bizarre when women have children with someone like that & think that they will transform into great Dad/partner.

I think you're contradicting yourself here. Is he a "hands off" dad or a bad dad?

Believe it or not, before moving in together, we did activities together EOW with all our kids and everybody got along really well. NOBODY could imagine, since we didn't have experience with grown up teens, that his sons would stop coming altogether.
Maybe you have divination skills, well good for you, unfortunately, we don't. And many teens still visit their parents as you can see on this board.
His ex makes sure that he feels good in her house, so that contributes to the situation.

Normally I think step parents get a hard time on MN but I just don’t get why you put yourself in this position. You said his DS’s stooped coming so regularly when they were about 15 so as the oldest is now almost 20 this has been going on for at least 5 years, why didn’t you address this and discuss better arrangements before you had your toddler? You said you actively wanted another child so some forward planning should have been a large part of the decision making. Quite frankly if my DP already had 3 kids and 2 exes and spent a good part of his available time visiting them regularly, as he should, regardless of where we lived the last thing, given you already have a child of your own, I would be thinking of is adding another child into the mix.
You are not stuck at home, you only have to manage a toddler, your oldest should be a help at his age. If your step kids could get a bus to your house then you could get that same bus away from your house surely? Not everyone has a car but they manage to get out and about.

OP I think he is using it as a general social visit for everyone. And that’s not fair on you.

There is absolutely no reason he can not confirm with all his kids if they are in and what time he will be arriving it’s ridiculous he is driving up blind.

I think he enjoys sitting/doing jobs with his ex’s and their family/friends tbh.

To me he sounds like a lovely dad to the kids just stretched of his own making by moving away to a big house for teenage boys who were obviously going to stop visiting frequently that age. He was about 10 years too late!

Moving back, meeting oldest one who drives half way and agreeing you would rather let the house slide for quality time are my thoughts.

I can't believe that people are suggesting he night not have wanted a baby with you and he has too many kids already so tough luck. That's really overstepping and not at all constructive as you can't change it now anyway.

I would be moving back to the city - wtf are you left in teh sticks with no car.... not on... or you get your own car and sort your own life...
seriously that is not on.... irrespective of the fact that you and your joint dc are bottom of the pile

I assume from DP that you are not married....who owns the house? I would check out legal advice on sorting out the property...
Its a real shame you moved so I woudl rectify that asap...

If your step kids could get a bus to your house then you could get that same bus away from your house surely? Not everyone has a car but they manage to get out and about.
Are you for real? A woman & toddler should have to take public transport to accommodate two grown up kids with no responsibilities because THEIR father chose to move!!!! Some of the comments on here are just unreal!
@Anuta77 - I totally hear you when you say that you didn't see what was coming down the road. I have a 23 year old & the thing that I have realised as your children move into adulthood is that you have to keep redefining your relationship with them in order for that relationship to weather their move into adult life. What I mean by that is that I have had to learn to see my son as a person & not just my child or an extension of me. He will always be my child but we now have a very equal relationship as two adults where I respect him & his life choices & he in turn respects me & realises that I have a life beyond him & his siblings. I think as parents we often find this very difficult as maintaining the status quo with our kids means we get to retain some control over them which we want because we love them & we want to keep them safe & tied to us, but ultimately that doesn't work.
From your posts it seems to me that your dp is still in this zone with his eldest two. He is treating them like younger kids; bending over backwards to accommodate them; excusing behaviours that aren't great in adults (changing plans, keeping people waiting with no notice); maintaining a house in the suburbs for them (a house they don't seem to want), etc. Basically he's fulfilling his own needs as a parent rather than developing a different type of relationship with two grown up kids.
My exdp was a bit similar. He got so used to being a unit with his three sons that he babied the (now) 19 year old - expecting him to go to the cinema/do activities with him & the younger ones when he really should have been encouraging peer groups & independence. His excuse? "If I do that I'll never get to see him" - perfect eg of parent not wanting to redefine a naturally changing relationship.

Your sds's actually do sound like 2 fairly independent young men (albeit a little thoughtless) & I thing it's your dp who really needs to do the work around letting them go & seeing them sometimes separately to his dd & maybe a bit less often if they can't always be available.
Imo this would not make him a bad father it would make him a good father!
Fwiw my 23 year old also has 2 half siblings (4 & 5) who he rarely sees as he's been away at uni & still is. He makes great efforts with them when he sees them but acknowledges he's more like an uncle than a brother to them. My exh fought this for years because HE needed the validation of one big happy family. But in truth families can be happy and united in different ways without having to see each other all the time.
Is there anyway you can get your dp to reflect on his attitudes and behaviours & make some adjustments?

His excuse? "If I do that I'll never get to see him" - perfect eg of parent not wanting to redefine a naturally changing relationship.

I didn't think about this, Magda. My DP says something like that too: "I didn't divorce them, so it's my job to go see them" which is correct if they were little, but they are (almost) adults and relationships between grown ups is a 2 way street. And that's why it bothers me really. And yes, I think it's about his own validation....

anuta77 maybe he finds toddlers & younger kids harder work so avoids it by making himself unavailable in some way? He is probably using the older ones as an excuse not to help out.

I think as others say you should work out if you can afford to move back to city - either that or get another car. It's ridiculous that you're stuck with no transport.

I have no idea what he was like when the other kids were little but my guess would be that he was similar i.e. disappear off & let the Mum do the bulk of the childcare. That is just my guess as to why he has 2 previous partners who he separated with when the kids were young - I could be wrong as I don't know him 🤷‍♀️

I think you've had some unkind and foolish replies.

I also think it must be very challenging for him having kids with different mothers in different locations and trying to sustain a good relationship with them all.

Perhaps you can try setting aside time for your family unit that he sticks to.

I was speaking to someone recently and her inlaws live in a remote place, out of town.. that kind of living isn't for everyone.

What local facilities are there for your own kids...might be worth thinking about as they grow older.

I think that your h has failed to realise that contact with adult children is more like seeing a friend and there will be times when it doesn't happen much and other times where they see each other quite a bit. I live with my adult son who's away at uni during term time and quite frankly any time we spend together is based on his availability. He couldn't commit to a regular time sit as he has lots of things going on. Not texting them before he travels up is bizarre.

He is suffering from classic dad guilt and quite frankly shouldn't have had more kids until he came to terms with the fact that he's split up with mum 1 and mum 2. No amount of driving to see them will change that and for all we know the kids are totally fine with their parents divorce. I bet they'd be fine if the weekly visit became fortnightly or even every three weeks with texts etc in between

He has made things much harder for everyone (except the adult kids) by leaving the city and either needs to move back or get another car (or take the bus so you have the car). Kids grow up fast and he will regret not making time for his toddler.

There are two main issues here:

1. Your DP hasn't realised his 3 older children are adults or nearly adult so don't want to spend as much time with him as they have their own lives.
2. Your DP not looking after his youngest and so not facilitating a relationship between the half-siblings.

If your DP sorts out the first by arranging in advance dates and times to meet up with his 2 older children. (In the case of the daughter he needs to do this from year 11.) He can then start sorting out the second.

You also need to get another car. If you decide to live somewhere without decent transport then you need to make sure all adults have their own so they aren't stranded.

Oh and at 20 I lived 250 miles from my family as I was at university. If either of my parents had turned up like your DP does I would definitely not have been in most of the time. Your DP needs to leave his older two and then his daughter to choose how much they want to see him. He will then find if they aren't forced one may want to see him weekly while another will only want to see him every 3 months.