AIBU- increasing visits

[Anuta77]

So as some of you might remember, my DP has 2 sons (almost 20 and 17) from ex#1 and SD (13) from ex#2.
We used to live in the same city, but when we started living together and he knew I wanted another child, he said we need a house AND that he hates the city because of traffic. As houses are expensive in the city, we had to buy one in the suburbs (35-40 min away from them). We chose a town with a train, but the gouv. decided to redo the whole train network, so the train is cancelled on weekends.
Both of his sons stopped coming to see us unless specifically invited at about 15. SD continued coming EOW, so DP would take advantage and go visit his sons while picking her up on Fridays (4-5 hours in total) and bringing her back on Sundays (3-4 hrs in total). And the weekend she wasn't with us, he would visit them all (3-4 hrs).
Recently, his sons started a new job, so they work Fridays nights and Sundays until 5. SD's piano class was also in the city, so he would bring her on Sunday, but now that he can't see his sons because of their work, he moved it to Tuesday (another 3 hrs). So he's gone visiting them on Friday, Sunday and for the piano class every other Tuesday.
There are times when he go there on Friday and none of his sons are home. Other times they call him because they want to see him, but their time is limited (has to be after XYZ or before XYZ). There were times when SD would be washing her hair when he goes, so he just sits there waiting or SD would be gone shopping with the mother....And he doesn't complain.
Obviously, it's his children and I understand that he wants to see them, but when he's gone, I'm left home with my children and without a car. And taking care of the toddler alone, which makes it almost impossible to do anything with my 12 year old.
Because all this travel takes him so much time, he's then busy working (he's a freelancer) and fixing things in the house when he's back home and doesn't really stay with the toddler to give me time for myself or to take my oldest out. I don't even mention couple's time!
AIBU to get annoyed with him gone so many hours when he's busy?

Let me get this straight. You moved house to where your DPs children can't visit you easily and you are annoyed that he goes to see them more?

You moved 40 minutes from his children and stayed even though you knew it could damage their contact with their Dad?

So if you and your husband split up, you wouldn’t mind if he moved your children forty minutes away?

I'll be honest I somewhat lost track of all the different times/days, but I think the amount of time he spends with them is something of a red herring. The real problem is that he doesn't help enough with your toddler (who I'm assuming is his). He needs to find a way to step up if he isn't sharing enough of the responsibility. Though I would say, my partner is freelance and we often go through periods where I feel we barely see each other and he barely sees our DD. It is tough, but it goes with the territory.

YABU to expect him to check they are actually ready/available when he goes though, or he's just wasting time he could be spending helping.

It was him who insisted to move 40 min away to have a bigger place for all of his children, who then decided that their friends are more of a priority than to come visit their father. And he's the one who refuses to go back to the city where we would have to rent an appartment and where I would be closer to my mom for help AND where his sons could take a bus and visit us for supper for example.

To be fair to the op it's not her responsibility to keep up her DPs contact with his children and insist they live close by. That's on him. But when you moved I'm surprised that neither of you considered the possibility that his sons might react by visiting less.

By the way, his almost 20 year old drives and takes his mother's car to go to places sometimes. They could also get to us by buses, but prefer being driven if they ever come. It doesn't prevent them from going to other activities or to visit a girlfriend 40 min away.

Yes YABU.

You had a child with a man who already had several children with different women in different homes 40 minutes away from where you chose to live. How on earth did you see that panning out other than him being massively overstretched and juggling lots of plates?

They’re girlfriend didn’t trade them in for a new family, that’s why. A new family should never take time or resources from children who are already here.

Im sorry you are feeling like this. I think you need to sit down and talk this through and try and ensure you do get some alone time. It is not unreasonable to have that. You need to explain how it is getting to you as in reality your DP may not want to move to the city but relationships are about compromise and it sounds like that is what you are wanting.

Ignore people on here who apparently have anger issues and hate step parents. I have only been on here a few days and the hate I have seen is worrying. In a world where you can be anything. Be kind. People need to remember what their words can do! x

Sending hugs x

@SimonJT I think a new sibling always means that there are less resources and time for existing ones in any family set up.

Op can you and the toddler go with him sometimes and go out for a meal or something? It would help the toddler get to know it's siblings.

Also at 20 and 17 I think it's normal to spend less time with your parents. I know I barely saw mine at that age.

Yes YABU. He had children when you got together with him. It's right that he is making an effort to see them.

Why can’t you go out without a car? plenty do.
You and your DH sound pretty thoughtless and selfish, he has kids here and there, you wanted a child and now moan about me time.
It’s actually laughable 🙄

I'm glad you had a good laugh, you sound like you needed it, otherwise you wouldn't be on mn so late judging others.
I suppose you'll find it even funnier to know that there's almost nothing walking distance around here and that I loved living in the city, but my DP lived in a one bedroom apt where his 3 children would visit him and thanks to me and to getting out of the city, he was able to buy a 3 bedroom house with a basement thinking that his children would be more comfortable when they visit. That his daugher sleeps in the living room at her mother's, but has her own room in our house where she comes EOW. Isn't that funny that you think you're doing what's best and end up looking stupid?

Given that the older two children have already chosen to visit less often, would he consider moving back to the city and getting a smaller property? It sounds like it would suit everyone better, including the older two who could then pop round easier.

Op, you should get some sleep. Your reply to a pp is just rude and unnecessary. You came on here asking for people’s opinions. The pp was correct - there are lots of dc who live in 3 separate houses (ss’s, sd, toddler) who need time and attention so it is going to mean that there isn’t much time to go around. He lives with you and the toddler so it’s only right he makes the effort to see his other dc. Whilst older dc may not make their dad a priority, you should be proud that you married a man who will still go out of his way to get a bit of time with them. He loves them as they are his children. He will also do the same for your toddler. Don’t tell a man to not go and see his dc as much. As parents, your needs and wants come second to all of the dc.

Op i don't think you are rude. I think if I had of read some of those replies I would have replied a lot worse! Yes you were looking for opinions however some of them were rediculously judgemental based on assumptions that were not correct. It sounds like there are a lot of little underlying issues. I do think sitting talking through this with your DP will help. Looking at options like a second car etc or moving back to the city or even going with him for pick ups/drop offs or getting him to drop you somewhere with your kids on the way and get you on the way back so you can do something? Just trying to think of little possible solutions for you x

Also your mental health comes first over your children. I am sorry but this 'kids are more important than you' is the exact reason we have suicides and depression as people burn out trying to be perfect. We are human and need to look after ourselves. Put your oxygen mask on before helping anyone else. It is the same in real life not just on a plane! Take time for you because if you burn out who is going to look after them? Also if you need a compassionate ear I think here is not the place because people on here are sometimes horrid! x

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. Although some posters on the thread are or will be. Step mothers never get a fair hearing on MN.

His children are adults and could come to see him. One of them drives. If they choose not to then he shouldn't run around after them

The toddler needs him more.

He already has 3 children. So may not have wanted a newborn thrown into the mix. Obviously he should help more. But he's trying to divide his attention between 4 children who live in different places.
Maybe he was quite "hands off" with the others when they were little. He must have separated from partner 1 when boys were quite young to settle with Mother of DD. Then presumably she wasn't that old when you got together with him.
I find it bizarre when women have children with someone like that & think that they will transform into great Dad/partner. I think he's probably behaving the same way with you as he did with his other partners.

You are not being unreasonable. But I don’t think he is either in wanting to see his DC.

It is normal for DC to prioritise their friends and social lives over their parents after a certain age. So far so normal.

He needs to get more organised tho, he should call the dc to find out when they’re available before going to see them so when he gets there he can spend quality time with them.

Is it possible for him to take public transport and leave you the car every other weekend?

Could he take your toddler with him once a month or so, so he can also meet and interact with his siblings and you get a break?

Agree with Frazzle that he needs to organise his time better. He seems a bit slap dash in his approach and it must be wasting a lot of hours better spent elsewhere.
Please ignore all comments along the lines of “existing children blah blah blah”. Your toddler is now one of his “existing children” whether it suits everyone else or not, and deserves a good relationship with her dad as much as any of them. Living together means sod all if he’s never actually there and spending time with her during waking hours.

qwerty are you implying that the OP might kill herself if the replies aren’t agreeing with her? Jfc.
Meh. Your husband should have considered future time and resource restraints when he was impregnating all these women over decades, it’s a good thing he’s bothering with all his previous kids. Makes a nice change to read about.

@Electrical I am sayong nobody knows what people are dealing with outside of this tiny world of MN! Have I agreed with her? Have I disagreed? No I have mearly said to her different possible solutions WITHOUT judgement. There is no need for the way people go on. It is not my place to judge people it is about trying to support people without telling them there is a need to put everyone elses needs above her own. We all have our own struggles and there is no need for some of these replies. Constructive rather than judgemental.

@Anuta77 - just ignore the nasty remarks on here. I can't believe how horrible people are being, especially when you have repeatedly stated that it was not your decision to move but that of your dp who believed he was doing the right thing by providing more space for ALL his children. I actually think most people don't properly read sm's posts on here - they just automatically jump in blaming the sm for everything.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Imo the 20 year old is definitely old enough to not be putting demands on your dp & should be responsible for seeing his dad when it suits your dp & the other kids esp. his dd. I don't think his dd's activity should have been moved to facilitate him seeing his 20 & 17 year olds who themselves have chosen to change access by choosing to get jobs.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with your dp about time his time management. The younger kids need to be his priority now as they are dependents.
If he can't or won't manage this is a move back to the city where you would have support from your mom an option?