Help! I'm Struggling as a Step-Mum

[Malone98]

Hi,

I'm a step-mum to a 13 year old and an 8 year old. I have no issues with the 13 year old, and we get on really well.

However, the relationship with the 8 year old is a bit harder. She told me that her mum told her she cannot have a step-mum (despite having a step-dad whom mummy gets her to call daddy), and she has badmouthed me to her on a few occasions (called me an alcoholic when once in the >2.5 years I've been with my partner, she had to drop her to the pub/restaurant for a birthday get together we were attending) and told her that if I want to be a mum, I should get my own children.

I have never tried to take the place ofher mum, and allow it when her mum tells my partner that we have to take her to an event in our time, although we would never book things for her to do when she is with her mum.

My step-daughter is clearly beginning to feel affected, as she is being very affectionate towards me, whilst telling me how her mum feels about me.

I really struggle with how she is allowed her own family unit with her mum (mummy, daddy, and siblings) but when she is with my partner, her mum makes it clear she doesn't want me to be part of it. I met her once and I thought we got on which, at the time, was a relief, but she has since told me partner she was just being nice for appearance sake.

Has anyone got any advice?

xx

It is really tough. My DSD and DSS are canny with me and I naturally pick up parenting as I have my DD who is older and I believe in treating them as I would treat my own. I shop for them out of my own money (DH does offer to pay me back and does try to transfer me money) but I don't mind buying for them. We have the bedroom being changed for DSS to fit in too as it was originally just a single bed (only just started getting access to DSS due to past drama caused by the DSD's mum. I think I am getting to the point where I just completely remove myself from anything the ex says. She wouldn't say a bad word to DSD about me as she likes to be this 'lovely' person but the texts etc show she is not. All I can suggest is to just listen to DSD and just don't react and remember it is just jealousy that causes these things. She doesn't want someone being close and all you can do is be true to yourself and try and remove yourself from it as much as possible (I have just done this by stating I will not do drop offs there and have told DH we need to change some nights for my own sanity which he understands) remember your DSD is telling you because she trusts you and all you can say to her is that you will listen to her no matter what. Let her know you understand how she feels and just continue being there for her. I look at it as a long game. In a few years from now your actions will have shown the flaws in her words and that is something our DSD is seeing now (her mum is full of empty promises we have follow through). Probably no help but I know how you feel. My mental health has suffered but screaming 'f$%k off' when I got in the car when hitting my steering wheel really helped a bit too after drops offs! I also emailed DH with what I wanted to say to her but cannot for the sake of towing the line and the action of pressing send even though she cannot read it actually really helped! x

@Qwertygert Thank you so much for your advice. It can feel quite lonely trying to deal with something like this. I appreciate your thoughts - I might try screaming to myself too! Xx

@Malone98 it can be really lonely. None of the people I know are a stepmum (or parent most the time) and so do not understand what it is like. The email really helped me though. My DH knows my feelings any way but seeing it written down I think he realised how badly it gets to me. I don't ever try to be 'mum' to the DSC but he expects us all to be a happy family. I insist on still having time alone with my DD and him having times alone with his DC. We try to have time all of us too. It is a fine balance as I want the kids to know they all have their own time with their biological parent as they all deserve that time.

It is the same with sleep overs. With DSC we try to do them on different nights and try to allow my DD nights alone in the house too. It is a logistical nightmare especially with my DH shift pattern! My whole life is organised to the nth degree! x

@Qwertygert I think I will try the email. I've tried talking about things with my partner but he is much more relaxed and patient than me. His opinion is generally that if we can't change it, don't get upset about it, which works well for him but less so for me. In writing, it might show the extent of how I feel.

When he has the children, I always make sure I don't spend the whole time with them, so they get alone time with their dad. I don't want them to think I've come along and taken over. I love them but I also know it must be hard to have another woman come along and join the family. Especially when at least one of their mothers are putting bad thoughts into their head about me! Xx

@Malone98 I am all about not worrying about things that I cannot change but sometimes your mind does not get on board and when what you want to do is go tell the ex how selfish and horrid she is and how she boils your p$$$ but you cannot it does eat away at you! Ive said to DH from now on we are not reacting. I change the days so I don't need to go there. We park further away so she cannot wave (which drives me insane even though I know it is petty) and we do not rise when she starts. We keep control of our world and continue to be happy and content within our little bubble. I do not want her knowing she has any affect on me and when DSD goes home raving about how much of a lush time she has had then that is all that matters! Not too long these children will be making decisions about what they want and where they want to live and who they want to see so this is just short term x

I hear ya. My fiance's ex is an incredibly difficult person. she will never be happy until everyone else around her is miserable and will stop at nothing to just get child maintenance from my H2B and cut his contact with their daughter. They have joint custody and it started off as us having my SD every other weekend for the entire weekend (including overnight stay) we now have her every other Sunday (if we're lucky) we pick her up at 9 and drop her home at 5. Unfortunately there's not much we can do unless we take her back to court which is ridiculously expensive and even then there is no support thereafter. The ex has been breaking the court order for years but we simply cannot afford to go back to court. She's become even more difficult since we got engaged too and i'm worried she won't let my SD come to the wedding. Seriously stressed with it all to be honest, it's been going on for 7 years now.

@bethroseuk re the wedding we just didn't tell his ex the date. We got married on my birthday (I hate birthdays) and said we were going for a birthday meal (technically it was as we doubled up the celebration) We then had her dropped her off and advised we were married over the phone. We didn't tell any of the kids the date and just surprised them a few days before as we had her the 2 nights before the wedding. Luckily we had a low key wedding with only immediate family and my close friends with us x it is a shame we had to do that but then we knew it would be drama if we didn't x

@Qwertygert I know x I don't understand why some women have to be so difficult in these situations. We've not yet said anything to my SD about the date or the venue, just that she'll be a bridesmaid which she is super excited about! Not sure when or how we'll break the news but lots to consider before we do xx

@bethroseuk it is a nightmare. I really struggle with it all but with the advice from some women on here I have pulled back. We have changed nights that mean I need to drop DSD off and when I am in the car for drop offs when it is unavoidable then we park further away. It really is about limiting yourself to what you can deal with. Being a step mum is incredibly lonely sometimes when you have noone in the same situation. My DH is brilliant and hands on and listens to my moaning and is happy to put the changes into place I need but it really shouldn't be this hard! x

@Qwertygert it really is lonely sometimes which is something I never expected! I don't have any kids of my own yet and I'm only 23 so it's a big job to take on but I've been doing it for the past 7 years now so getting used to it a bit more! Only issue is, I do often dread the weekend's we do have my DSD because I know it will just ignite nasty text messages and stress from the ex and then I feel bad because I genuinely love my DSD as if she were my own it's just frustrating that her mother is the way she is! x

@Qwertygert @bethroseuk Why does it have to be so tricky??? I'm 21 so interesting to hear I'm not the only young step-mum! I dread making plans in case they get sabotaged, and spent the weekend getting treated badly by my SD which I feel was a direct response to various issues her mother has with me at the moment. Definitely interesting to read how you both deal with the problems and the changes you have made xx

@bethroseuk @malone98 i am in my 30s with my own DD so you ladies are doing amazing taking on all of this and you should both be really proud of yourselves!

I am lucky that my SC seem to really like me and enjoy spending time with me as I am not sure what I would do if they hated me! My issue in the house is my DD struggling with sharing me but a switch has been turned recently since I sat down and explained how hard it is for her and now she seems to hate SD less and actually interacts with her. It can be a minefield! x

@Qwertygert @malone98 Thank you so much guys, It's really great to have a place where you can chat to others going through the same thing! I'm also lucky that my SD does really like me which is great x Not sure how she's turned out to be such a great kid with the example she's been set by her mum but I'm glad shes a good egg! x us SM's need to keep our heads high and try our best to smile through the bad times! xx

@Qwertygert Thank you! I've been reading other threads and you are always so encouraging, even when getting backlash from others, so well done you. I find it bizarre how in a society where were are supposed to pro supporting each other, there can be so much negativity thrown around. I appreciate you not passing judgement on my situation or my age, when many others presume I stole my partner away from his ex (I did not!) or think that I am 'too young' to be involved in this kind of family set up.

Keep spreading your light! xx

@bethroseuk Thank you too! It has been so uplifting talking to you both. I hope your situation becomes easier, and I'm so pleased you get on with your SD; makes such a difference! xx

Your 21 and a step mum? That's a lot of responsibility for someone so young. How old is your partner? At your age I wanted to go on nights out. You and your partner need to be on the same page.

@Malone98 the world is a terrible place and I think peoples come on here to ask for help (Like i did) not to be told how shitty of a person they are! A lot of people sit in glass houses not knowing our true stories and how can you rightfully judge anyone after a paragraph? My kids all get the same thing from me. We find solutions or possible solutions and we don't cast judgement on each other. The world would be a nicer place if people could just not say unnecessarily horrible things! Tearing someone down doesn't build you up and people are on here for support and I will continue to do that whether the negative nellies want to tear you down! I have cast out toxic family members from my life so a few keyboard warriers on here don't scare me x

Age has nowt to do with maturity. I was helping to raise my nephew when I was 12 and more hands on than his own mother so it is all relative. You know what suits you and what makes you happy and you have the balls to go get it and that is something your children will admire and mimic in future life x

@feministmyarse My partner is a fair bit older than me, but from day one we have always been open and discussed what we want from the relationship. I have always been much more mature than my peers, and I have no interest in going out partying or staying out late. I'm a trainee lawyer so my life revolves around work, study and my family, including my step-children. It is not easy but I am not daft; I know what I am getting myself into! Certainly, as much as anyone else can predict the future! I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing though xx

@Qwertygert Your attitude is admirable and I hope I can take a leaf out of your book in terms of positivity and encouragement! I came here to seek advice (not judgement!) and you have certainly done that for me xx

@malone98 ah thanks! Well if you ever need non judgemental advice I am always here if you need me x

@Malone98 same here, My partner is 28 and I'm 23, I've never been interested in going our drinking (I don't even drink!) lol I'm a bit of a grandma to be honest, always been mature for my age! x

@bethroseuk Haha, nothing wrong with being a grandma at heart! A lot of people won't understand it, but as long as you are happy, that is all that matters.