Holidays with kids and ex - discuss

[Meeeh]

Maybe this is an AIBU post but putting it here for expertise in this forum.

Me: nasty divorce and poor ongoing communications with ex husband
Him: very amicable relationship with ex wife

His children have asked that their mother come skiing with them and him in the Easter holidays . Needless to say I’m less than thrilled.

Would like to hear from all sides and from those who may have a situation where there is heavy involvement with the ex partner.

[Qwertygert]

I would still holiday with my ex and I am married to my new husband. I went awsy to disney 3 years ago when i was in a relationship and invited DP at the time but he stayed at home. We are going to take our kids DD SDS and SD to America in 2 years and my ex husband has been invited to come with us all. We have a great bond and my DH gets on with him really well. He comes around for tea often and was at our wedding. He even paid for a wedding car and was our chauffeur as a gift (we did not know this until the day we were just using our own cars to travel) sometimes people can just be friends with exes. My DH is fine with the set up too. His ex on the other hand is completely different though! x

[Booboostwo]

Slightly different as neither of us is in a relationship but Ex and I take the odd holiday together. Not every holiday we take, but for example we are thinking of immigrating (all together) so we visited the country we want to move to all together. It doesn't mean we want to get back together and I don't think it confuses the DC.

My opinion is that when you co-parent with someone you are 'stuck' with that person until the DC are independent presumably around 18yo (assuming no abuse, neglect, DV). If we didn't have DCs I would happily never see Ex again, but we have DCs so what choice is there but to compartmentalize the part of our relationship that went catastrophically wrong and try to find a way to work together as parents.

[Annaminna]

Current culture (i.e. mumsnet ) tells you that you need to be best friends with your ex — and his new partner — or you’re bitter and selfish, can’t let go, or aren’t putting the children first.
I do know quite a few people, who use these phrases because they don’t want to talk about reality. Why should I be best friend with someone I couldn’t bare to live respectfully at the same house/ under the same roof. Divorce isn’t a magical cure that makes an unacceptable person now to BBF material.

Exis often using different manipulation tactics to convince their ex partners that its their responsibility to take them to holidays and days out, for meals, fix their houses and DIY for them and so on, you name it. Always using: its for children!
Dads are easy to manipulate if they are saying that its for children.
In reality they are just want to have control over dads new life and have paid holidays or shared holidays so they don't have to be responsible of their lives.
Its also called "Stockholm Syndrome" and lots of exis are using it very cleverly.
counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

[Qwertygert]

I completely agree and you need to do what is best for you. Me and my ex married young after i had an abusive relationship and he was safe. We split but remained close because all though we fell out of love we had a good relationship. We have gotten each other through some really really tough times and although we are not in love we still love and care for each other and will always be there for each other and we are lucky to have that. My last 2 exes I feel physically sick if I see someone who looks like them and luckily I didn't want more kids otherwise I don't think I could have been nice to them after what they did to me. DH ex started off well for 4 years until he met me and she became single. Now she is a horror.

I am very aware though once my ex meets someone our whole set up could change as he needs to respect her boundaries and maybe some of what we have will be a no go. Luckily our DD is coming up 11 so that probably would have naturally changed any way x

[Meeeh]

@Annaminna some truths in there and I also believe in habitual comfort - ie doing something we’ve always done as it seems familiar and the norm.

That link probably provided more about my wonky ex though but thank you for sharing anyway.