Holidays with kids and ex - discuss

[Meeeh]

Maybe this is an AIBU post but putting it here for expertise in this forum.

Me: nasty divorce and poor ongoing communications with ex husband
Him: very amicable relationship with ex wife

His children have asked that their mother come skiing with them and him in the Easter holidays . Needless to say I’m less than thrilled.

Would like to hear from all sides and from those who may have a situation where there is heavy involvement with the ex partner.

[sassbott]

I am very amicable with my exh. And we will occasionally do a meal together (like a child’s birthday) but nothing really aside from that. I find the meals awkward and couldn’t contemplate an actual holiday with him. I’m sure he feels the same. It’s just probably a bit to close to the bone emotionally.

Putting me to one side, I know that my children wouldn’t like it either. Why? Because we used to do little things together more regularly. Until my eldest had the courage to say ‘can we stop, it makes us all sad and reminds us when you and daddy were together.’

You can be amicable. But with boundaries. And a joint holiday is a huge breach of those. And will probably be quite unsettling for everyone emotionally. I can imagine that if I spent a lovely week with my exh and children I would come home deeply conflicted. Even though the reality is that week is a one off and not reflective of how happy we were married.

I would not like this one bit. And the non blending is completely irrelevant to it.

[sassbott]

Oh and I would also take issue with the fact that this was bought to you to gauge your reaction.
If any of my children bought this to me, my immediate reaction would be to understand why they asked. But followed by a very clear no. With reasons why.
I’d then work with my ex to understand where this had come from and work out a solution that didn’t breach so many boundaries.

This stuff isn’t rocket science IMO. And believe me, I would call my exh a friend whom I trust. But with boundaries.

[Magda72]

Op - you can have a good relationship with your ex & yes, maybe celebrate birthdays together, but going on holiday is a totally different ballgame, & it honestly gives out the wrong signals to everyone especially the children.
I get on very well with my exh but it would be a cold day in hell before I would holiday with him either now or earlier in our split.!! No one needs that.
Reading between the lines of your last post there is a teen of his driving this. After 3 years together (blending or no blending) a teen should know better & in my opinion this teen is shit stirring.
You can't stop your dp but if it were me I would tell him in no uncertain terms how wrong I think it is on so many levels.

[loststarling]

I have to agree with @sassbott. My SC get really stressed when their parents even talk. Sure, the exes may be more amicable in the OP's situation, but that is in a situation of limited contact and not living together as a family unit. They must have split up for some reason. I can imagine a week away together either becoming a bit strained, or else being nice but sad.

There will come a day when for whatever reason the children have to face mum and dad not doing things together. IMHO the later that is left the harder it could be.

[Magda72]

And I would also echo what @sassbott has just said. My exh & I used to do little things together like him being there for Santa & yes the kids asked us to stop. Despite it being amicable the kids found it both awkward & upsetting.

[KylieKoKo]

Fuck this. You deserve better.

[KylieKoKo]

Also I find it odd that teenaged children would ask this. I would expect a child of 5 or under, maybe even an immature 8 year old to innocently ask things like this but teenagers?

[sassbott]

I hadn’t clocked as @Magda72 has pointed out that this is a teen driving this!
The teen is completely congizant of what they are orchestrating here. Is the ex in a committed long term relationship? Or is she single?

[greyspottedgoose]

I don't see the problem, it's great that they can get on so well for the sake of their kids, if you don't trust him with her that's a whole different problem you have, but if you do I can't see your concern

[lyingwanker]

I agree @KylieKoKo. I'd feel as though it was done on purpose to cause trouble or in the hope mum and dad would fall back in love.

I'm very amicable with exH and we share a 13 & 12 year old together. We have also both remarried and have more children. Our kids would never suggest holidays together. We go to school stuff together and can have a nice chat on the phone for ages occasionally (always somehow related to kids though). If it was a celebration meal or party for one of the kids then yes, we could easily both be there and it'd be fine.

[sassbott]

This isn’t about trust @greyspottedgoose. I could be trusted if I was away with my ex.
This is about appropriate boundaries and where each of those sit with us as individuals.

If you’re of the Gwyneth school of blending, and it works for everyone involved (including a partner) then great. But if it doesn’t, then choices can be made. Which includes making a choice to go on holiday with your kids and exwife.

Personally speaking? That person would come back without me as a partner. And it’s not about trust. It’s that a boundary I felt was important had not been respected. And if that’s the case, then I would no longer wish to be in a relationship with that person.

I would never put my partner in a situation like this no matter what my children wanted. So i wouldn’t expect the same in reverse

[KylieKoKo]

@greyspottedgoose I hate the way trust is used as a way to make people feel they have to agree to things that they are uncomfortable with. Trustworthy people don't ask their partners to accept scenarios that they are uncomfortable with and say "don't you trust me" if their partner puts up a boundary. It is manipulative and gaslighting to try make the OP to feel like this is her having trust issues.

If it is all fine and friendship then why is the OP not invited?

[DioneTheDiabolist]

I would be ok with it, but that's because my Ex has joined DC and I on holidays and it has been fine and a bit more relaxing as I get the chance to chill on the holiday that i have paid shitloads (for me) of money for.

[mrsleftie]

@KylieKoKo spot on!

[Meeeh]

@KylieKoKo @greyspottedgoose @sassbott you all have valid points. I trust him not to want to pursue anything. I think ex is taking the piss and free loading. She is currently single. I don’t know what the motivation of the teen is as we get on. DP harbours a lot of guilt over the split and tends to over compensate in indulging the kids’ wishes. Do I dump him for trying to be what he thinks is a good dad because it crosses my boundaries?

I’m truly lost ☹️

[BiarritzCrackers]

ExH and I still take DS away together (three summers now), but neither of us are in relationships - if we were, I wouldn't see that continuing. We do it because DS is an only, and it's more fun and less pressured than being one adult to one child (also more affordable), and exH and I are very much like siblings to one another.

If exH had a girlfriend of three years standing, and I was single myself, I can't see how I'd feel comfortable going away with him and DS, as it would seem unfair to put the girlfriend in that position.

[KylieKoKo]

@Meeeh I think that someone not respecting your boundaries is a good reason to dump someone no matter what their reasons are. You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

[LoveSummerLife]

I have to agree with the above points, it would be a definite no from me. I’d also be annoyed if he didn’t just tell the child no straight away.

I understand your position meeeh as my partner can be the same sometimes in wanting to do things I’m uncomfortable with but he see’s as being a good dad.

How do you express that you’re uncomfortable with something without coming across as controlling? What if it’s a more usual issue, joint birthday parties for children for example.
And if it is a deal breaker then how do you say that without again sounding controlling or like you’re giving an ultimatum to ‘force’ him to your will?

Thank you for your input on this kylie, I’d also appreciate any other thoughts.

Sorry if I’m hijacking your post meeh I hope the answers will be useful to you also.

[KylieKoKo]

@LoveSummerLife what makes you uncomfortable about the birthday party? Are you not invited?

[Annaminna]

This can be Ok only and only if you are there as well.
Them, without you, is a family-holiday when/where children are trying to get their parent back together like it happens in Hollywood movies.
In the real life this kind of attempt will end with tears: someone gets hurt (or maybe everyone gets hurt) in the end.

If he is considering that holiday with ex as a possibility, then take that information on board with gratitude and know: that man will never be your family, his loyalty will always stay with his children and their mother.
He might be a fun BF but never your partner and healthy relationship.

[greyspottedgoose]

You saying he harbours a lot of guilt and over compensates changes things completely, but I still believe two parents can stay close after splitting up, I love my ex husband to death but I'm not in love with him, we both have moved on and been in happier relationships for years but have meals without the kids, days out with them ect

[KylieKoKo]

@greyspottedgoose any exes can stay close after breaking up. But a lot of people aren't comfortable if their partner is very close with an ex. So if you want to move on then you either have to find a partner that is comfortable with the level of closeness or remain single so you can keep the closeness to the ex. You can't just expect a partner to put up with being unhappy.

[Fiberoptic]

Meeeh at some point he has to show your the woman in his life and politely decline. His ex is an adult woman - she will know this could cause irritation/upset.

And so will he.

It’s not unreasonable to be bothered by this. It certainly isn’t the norm. I’m still on very good terms with my ex but I wouldn’t have asked this if he was in a relationship.

I’m surprised he didn’t close it down himself tbh and that would make me asses the whole relationship.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

OMG no way! Sends really confusing messages to the kids and why on earth should you spend your precious holiday time with your partner's ex wife?!

[sassbott]

I’m surprised he didn’t close it down himself tbh and that would make me asses the whole relationship.

Ten times the above. I would never even mention this to my partner and would deal with it myself.