Holidays with kids and ex - discuss

[Meeeh]

Maybe this is an AIBU post but putting it here for expertise in this forum.

Me: nasty divorce and poor ongoing communications with ex husband
Him: very amicable relationship with ex wife

His children have asked that their mother come skiing with them and him in the Easter holidays . Needless to say I’m less than thrilled.

Would like to hear from all sides and from those who may have a situation where there is heavy involvement with the ex partner.

[WhyThisLife]

These are teenagers, whose parents have been divorced for some time. I'm sure they've moved on from the fantasy of them being back together

Not necessarily true. My parents have been split up for ages now. They are both happily with other partners who I really do like. However, I fondly think about what it would be like for them to still be together sometimes and I'm much older than OPs SC.

Obviously I'd never do anything to actively encourage them spending time together in the hope that they'll reconcile as I'm not a child and I know that would never happen now, but I can totally imagine doing so when I was a teenager.

I think if can be confusing. I would have been confused at that age if my parents went on holiday together. If they went and I saw them getting on, laughing, being a family etc... Yeah I'd have questioned why they can't be together and I don't think it would have done me any good, whether I'd asked for it or not.

I remember getting in my mum's car once when I was about 16 and she was on handsfree talking to my dad (way after they'd separated), they weren't talking about me, just having a conversation. And I still remember the little niggle of that 'oh my god, they are getting on!!', hope that I had. I remember that clearly to this day thinking maybe, just maybe, if they are talking, it will work out.

[aSofaNearYou]

That's because you're only seeing your personal POV and not looking at the situation holistically... which most people do.

I'm looking at it objectively and I don't think this is a matter of boundaries as a few pp have said. There's no need to sit the kids down and say separated parents cannot holiday together...because it's not factual and it's not a rule. I've seen lots of boundary issues posted on threads here...I don't really see this as one, even though I totally accept a lot of people will be uncomfortable with it.

.... No most people do not look at a situation holistically if what their partner is proposing is a deal breaker. If my partner cheated on me I wouldn't be thinking "well looking at looking bigger picture it probably really cheered that girl up."

I feel like you totally missed my point. My point is there are things I will accept in a relationship and things I will not, and the fact that his kids might enjoy some of the things I would not accept would not compel me to let go of those standards and put up with it. If a man suggested to me that he wanted to go on holiday with his ex, it would be a firm no I am not comfortable with that. If he went anyway, regardless of whether the kids enjoyed it, it would be over between us. I have my own requirements and priorities in my romantic relationship that are entirely separate from what the kids might like. That is natural; I am not a martyr that will put up with being unhappy and not feeling respected by my partner for the sake of someone elses kids.

I didn't say anything about sitting the kids down and telling them that it's wrong. I would expect my partner to understand that it is too much to ask of me and shut it down by whatever means he saw fit. Rather than telling them it is wrong for separated parents to holiday together, he could tell them it is wrong to disregard your partners feelings, if he wanted to tell them something was wrong, but that would be up to him to figure out.

[Meeeh]

Thank you all for the input which is tremendously helpful.

@WhiteBadger looooooool - wtf why would you do that?! I literally look at my own ex and feel a bit sick. We had a great seclude but bleurgh... I could never go back, even for a “slap and tickle”

[Meeeh]

*seclude = sex life

[LatentPhase]

What @aSofaNearYou just said. Absolutely. This is about your relationship and your boundaries. Either he respects that or he doesn’t.

I imagine he, as many guilty dads do, struggle to shut inappropriate things down with his kids. That’s the problem.

But - as @sassbott has pointed out - firmly and confidently shutting down inappropriate suggestions from kids is good parenting.

Wanting is not getting

[RUOKHon]

I feel like you totally missed my point. My point is there are things I will accept in a relationship and things I will not, and the fact that his kids might enjoy some of the things I would not accept would not compel me to let go of those standards and put up with it. If a man suggested to me that he wanted to go on holiday with his ex, it would be a firm no I am not comfortable with that. If he went anyway, regardless of whether the kids enjoyed it, it would be over between us. I have my own requirements and priorities in my romantic relationship that are entirely separate from what the kids might like. That is natural; I am not a martyr that will put up with being unhappy and not feeling respected by my partner for the sake of someone elses kids

100% exactly this. Acting in the children’s best interests is reasonable. Allowing the children’s demands to undermine your own boundaries is not.

He should never have put you in this position, but since he has, you need to tell him clearly that you are not comfortable with the suggestion and if he ignores your feelings about it the you’ll have to re-evaluate the relationship.

[SandyY2K]

I feel like you totally missed my point. My point is there are things I will accept in a relationship and things I will not

I didn't miss your point, I'm just able to offer a different perspective.

We're all different. If it's a dealbreaker for you, then that's okay. It's not a right or wrong issue.

I just wouldn't want to be known as the GF who 'didnt let' mum go on holiday with the kids.

[KylieKoKo]

@sandyy2k would you want to be the girlfriend who stays at home while her partner goes on holiday with his ex? Would you be happy if your partner went away with his ex?

[QuiteForgetful]

Well, I don't know why he did not tell the dc no, this is my time with you.

[SandyY2K]

@KylieKoKo

would you want to be the girlfriend who stays at home while her partner goes on holiday with his ex?

It's not really him and his Ex like you've phrased it though...it's with their DC, which is a major factor. It's not like their swanning off on a romantic break for 2 in the Maldives.

I'm also not likely to be in a serious relationship with a man who gets on so well with his Ex in the first place that her going on holiday would even be suggested, because I could pre-empt this kind of thing happening.

How I would feel personally, doesn't take away my understanding of what it's like to be a child of the seperated parents.

[Anuta77]

I believe OP mentionned that the ex isn't nice to her and tried to cause fights. Well, that's a big reason not to be ok with your partner's "friendship" with an ex. My DP has two of those emotionally dependant friendly exes and I did some reseach trying to make peace with it and it seemed that it only works when the ex makes efforts to be friendly with the new partner, so that she feels included (=important).
When the ex is sweet to the man, but not so nice with the new partner (like it was/is in my case), you know that it's not just innocent friendship and it's not in the best interests of kids, because kids would surely feel better if they know that EVERYONE gets along, not just the parents.
About kids not fantasising about parents getting back together or not getting confused, I think it depends. When our child was born, my SD would often ask my DP in a whiny voice to bring the baby to her mother all the while telling me to leave the baby more with her dad. She would never ask me and that despite our previously very good relationship. She would act as if I were an annoyance. And that was several years after the separation and despite her mother also having a boyfriend.
Unless the ex is prepared to include the new partner in the "family", I think there should be a very clear separation, otherwise there will be problems with the new partner (most of them at least).

[Anuta77]

I'm also not likely to be in a serious relationship with a man who gets on so well with his Ex in the first place that her going on holiday would even be suggested, because I could pre-empt this kind of thing happening.

Despite both exes of my DP proclaiming themselves as his family, they never showed any desire to go on vacation with him.

[Lynda07]

I've known two ex partners go on holiday together with their children. They resolved their differences and were friendly, wanted kids to go away with mum and dad occasionally. It was a good thing. Not every divorced couple hate each other.

[Lynda07]

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 27-Feb-20 13:13:09
I would be ok with it, but that's because my Ex has joined DC and I on holidays and it has been fine and a bit more relaxing as I get the chance to chill on the holiday that i have paid shitloads (for me) of money for.
..........
That is excellent. I wish there were more people like your blended family. It is of course quite different if two 'exes' had a horrible, abusive relationship but when they can be peacefully amicable, it's good and certainly better for the children.

[Meeeh]

@Anuta77 hello I’m the OP - the ex and I have nothing to do with each other so your assumption that she isn’t nice to me is wrong. We have nothing to do with each other. I think that was said by somebody else cross-posting their own experience.

[Annaminna]

That kind of getaway can work only when both ex-partners/parents are at the same page with their lives: both are single or both are in a secure relationship where both new partners are respected and friendly approached.

I have no insecurities about the BM in my story. (Yes, BM not an ex, because she isn't an ex-partner, child is a result of a careless one night stand).
We can not have those combined holidays for sake of making life easier. She hates me with no reason ever given. So we can not go all together because who would be able to have a good time when there is "the atmosphere"?
My partner wouldn't go away with someone who hates his GF. And my DP would not go even with someone who don't hate his GF because partners are doing those things together.

OP; if your BF wants to go to that holiday, then he is making a statement: me and my ex-wife are primary partners, you are not. You are only my companion when mother of my children don't need my company.
In many ways it seems like it is the case; You are keeping your lives apart and do not blend yet. If he is going, he will give a clear message (to his children, their mother, you and to all the people who are aware that they are on holiday) that they belong together and you aren't. Children will always hope that parents will get back together (least to the point they don't have other partners, sometimes even then). For his children you are not his partner, just a friend who comes and goes. They might even want to give a push now for sake of preventing you becoming the new partner to their dad. If they can make mum and dad spend quality time together then their parents should understand that separation was a mistake and they will be together again!
Children will never give up hope for reunion if their parents are nice/amicable to each other. Sometimes openly, sometimes secretly but they are hoping doesn't matter how old they are- even grown ups with their own families.
The only time when children don't hope their parents to reunite is when parents are fighting/hating each other.

[Anuta77]

@Anuta77 hello I’m the OP - the ex and I have nothing to do with each other so your assumption that she isn’t nice to me is wrong. We have nothing to do with each other. I think that was said by somebody else cross-posting their own experience.

In this case, maybe it's not so bad....

[Meeeh]

OP UPDATE - really interesting side point being raised around the fact that we don’t blend the kids and do not live together and the conclusions are being drawn that we are “not a serious couple” unless we live together.
The reason we do not live together is a cocktail of issues related to the kids and not uprooting them and my own very difficult ex. We jointly made the decision not to live together for now as it would mean moving half the kids to a new school and friends.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

That's bullshit OP and I'm sure you already know that. I was with my partner for 5 years til we moved in together and blended our families. If you do it sooner you get accused of rushing things to the detriment of the kids, and it looks like you've thought all this through anyway. Can't win!

[Dontdisturbmenow]

There are many reasons why you might not able able to live together but it doesn't take away the fact that it will mean spending less time together and dealing with a lot of issues that only come with sharing a household and mean that you experience something as a couple that is different to being s cite not living together.

That has of course nothing to do with emotional commitment.

What you haven't mention much is what your feeling is about their closeness irregardless of the holiday. Are you otherwise not bothered by then being friends or has it otherwise always are you uncomfortable and this is the top of the iceberg.

[Meeeh]

@Dontdisturbmenow I’m not bothered that they get along. I also don’t worry he wants her back or anything like that. He’s a provider with a capital P and the thing that bothers me is that I feel like he gets somewhat taken advantage of. He finds it difficult to say no to his kids and think we covered all that above because I don’t think it’s healthy for them tbf.

[Dontdisturbmenow]

Ok, but to be fair, it's up to him to decide what's healthy for them or not. You can of course disagree, but that to me is not a good reason to insist that it doesn't happen.

Saying that, my hat to you for being secure in your relationship and not being bothered about their friendship because it takes a strong and selfless woman to do so.

[SandyY2K]

Taking advantage is subjective. Some parents think certain things are their responsibility.....so its possible he doesn't share your view on that.

Kids do have a way of demanding sometimes, which can be perceived as taking advantage.

I do think that the NRP will bend over backwards a bit more...that's not unusual. They don't want the relationship to deteriorate or fizzle. It's hard when your child sees their teacher more than they see their own parent.

If you only see your child EOW, you want it to be pleasant...or it's 2 weeks till you can see them smooth it over.

[Meeeh]

@Dontdisturbmenow thanks. It’s not easy at times but the thing that bothers me the most is that my own ex does not afford me that level of consideration and respect. But that’s on him, not my new partner. I certainly wouldn’t want him having a bad relationship with her just so it matches my own situation.

[PiellaLawson]

The biggest no possible!

All the women in support of this can't have any experience of this situation from the step mother point of view. No no no no no no!