Husband and children don’t get on

[Bootsy2020]

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 3 and lived together for 7 years.

I have two teenagers who met my husband when they were 5 and 7. They don’t see their biological father if that makes a difference.

Everything’s been great until the last few months. We are struggling with rudeness and attitude from the kids but I’m sure it’s all normal teenage normality but my husband feels they treat him worse than they do me and he is struggling to handle it all.

I don’t know what to do. Everyone is always angry at each other and the kids do seem so ungrateful at times. He’s done so much for them and brought them up As his own for 7 years.

Does this sound normal teenage stuff? Do we just need to ride it out?

Sounds pretty normal. Teenagers can be awful

Teenagers are ungrateful.
Honestly you're not meant to be grateful for basic parenting and being brought up. That's not the argument you should be having with them. The teens would respond that you chose to have them, and thus its your role to provide basic care. He chose to date you and did what he needed to do with them to get you. (That's what they're thinking).

You need to be consistent, decide on and hold boundaries and pick battles. You also need to make sure that he's not the one nagging them all the time. He can't be bad cop, he needs to let some things go and you need to tighten things up so the kids know that you are their parent and leading.

This is very tough. Yes it is normal teenage behaviour and yes, most of them grow out of it and return to being lovely human being when they stop school.

However, living with it is hell. It's bad enough when you're the parent, and can take it as your duty as a parent to take the bad with the smooth, and trust that it will indeed go away. It's a different matter for a SP who doesn't get so much of the smooth, and who might not feel so positive about it being just a -long- phase. It's even worse if the SP doesn't have children themselves, and therefore, they're only exposure to teenage life is their own a generation ago, and not accepting the fact that each generation is quite different and can't be compared with the previous one.

In the end, there is no right or wrong as to how to deal with it, but if you want to save your marriage, you'll have to agree on a middle way and both stick with this arrangement. Make sure you listen to your OH, as he is likely to be very stressed by the situation. At the same time, you have a duty to your kids and to listen to them too. It's very hard to be stuck in the middle and do your best by the people you love dearly when their position is pole apart.

I'd say it's probably normal behaviour but it doesn't mean it behaviour that I'd just ignore and excuse either.

I didn't plenty of normal teenage things that my parents still pulled me up on as they weren't right.

A PP said children shouldn't feel grateful for being brought up and cared for which I appreciate but it doesn't mean they get to treat the person who did that with disrespect either.

I wasn't made to feel I had to be thankful to my parents but respect them? Definitely! And I've have been pulled up about it if I didn't.

Have you spoken to your kids about it? It seems from your posts that you agree with your husband's issues.

Hopefully it will iron itself out as they get older and start to mature but imo it doesn't mean it just gets ignored in the meantime either.

The kids don't have to be grateful that he decides to be a stepfather to them. He made that decision not the kids. Kids should be able to expect good parenting.

It's easier for parents to accept and forgive the bad behaviour and teens can be selfish.

You need to decide which behaviours are the most unacceptable and for you to be the one who enforces the rule because it's more effective coming from you and you're the parent so should take the lead on this.