Older step children

[anitaj67]

18 months ago my partner and I moved in together along with his then 18 year old daughter who had been thrown out by her mother
Since then she has treated our home like a doss house, eats everything in the fridge without asking, helps herself to alcohol , invites groups of friends over who also just help themselves and party till early morning

She works full time but doesn't pay board, and does nothing to help around the house

I've tried speaking to my oh, who is away all week, but she's his precious princess and can't do any wrong and I always come off looking like the wicked step mother

He reckons making her pay board wont help her with money as she never has any yet smokes, both cigarettes and cannabis, and goes out drinking all weekend

Its putting a massive strain on our relationship

Any suggestions?

All of that can be classed as usual behaviour for a teenager.

My dd1 is 24 now and I really battled with her some times. Although she never smoked weed and did pay nominal keep.

The problem here is your dh. As he is letting her disrespect you and your home.

There is only two choices here because it looks like her will choose his dd over you. And that is what it will boil down to in his head.

Either you stay or you go.

I wouldn’t even take her on. He will see it as stuck in between two women. Not bowing who to ‘choose’

Fuck that

What behaviours would you think acceptable? Don’t get me wrong I would have an issue with some of this. But it’s not clear from your OP what you’d think acceptable?

Do you mean you moved in with them?

You’re on a hiding to nothing trying to get him to change her behaviour. He doesn’t want to. He’s happy with the way things are. So your options are get used to it and hope she moves out eventually, continue the relationship but live apart, end the relationship.

Tell him either she goes or you do. And mean it.

We both moved out of separate homes to live together at the sane time her mum kicked her out, at the time she was sofa surfing so cane to live with us

At nearly 20 I would expect her to behave like an adult, pay board, help in the house, and be a bit more respectful

I have a 24 year old son who I brought up in my own who never behaved like this

Sure, I wouldn’t like it either and it sounds crap. But he’s not going to change. So what can you do?

He’s away all week?

You’re having to put up with a teen who parties and drinks in your home, eating and drinking all your food?

I’d move out.

Keep dating, it’s not like you live together anyway as he’s not there.

He can come home to his teen and the house and contents as she treats them.

You should move out. Now.

I'd tell my DH he either speaks to his daughter about respect and boundaries or I leave. I'd have no problem issuing an ultimatum in this situation.

It can be normal behaviour for a teen (although your SD is an adult now really and I don't think I acted like this at 18, not whilst living under my dad's roof), but it equally shouldn't just he excused and ignored.

What kind of adult is she learning to be, getting away with being so disrespectful? Your DH needs to speak to her properly and sort this out or I'd be gone.

If you really like him I would suggest you live separately until his daughter leaves home. However he seems to be making life far too comfortable for her so it won’t be anytime soon!! Rest assured very few women would put up with that though so maybe he needs the shock and some time alone to re-evaluate.

Ok we've all been 18, I lived at home but I never had all night parties, smoked (can't stand the habit) or helped myself to all the food, or any alcohol without asking. Yeh I had friends round... sometimes til late, we would have a drink, but we were always respectful of the others in the house. I couldn't imagine any of my friends just helping themselves to anything. I had a part time job, but was still studying so I didn't pay any board at that time, but I did my own washing, i would cook, clean etc.
Even as an adult in my 20s and 30s if I went to my mum's I would still ask before I took anything from the fridge/ cupboard etc.
Your DPs reluctance to address this is worrying. I would leave the house in the state she makes it, stop cleaning and tidying up after her, so when he returns home from work he will see you are not exaggerating. If she takes all the food you buy, just sort you and your son out, if he lives with you, if your DP doesn't speak to her after that, then I think you need to reassess your relationship.

Yeah I would be moving out too. Keep seeing him and see how things go, but keep your houses seperate.

You are describing my dd. Much of the behaviour is more normal than not, but you have the additional problem of your partner being frightened to rock the boat and of course it’s not doing her any favours.

The only thing you’ve mentioned that I would be ok with is HER helping herself from the fridge (not her friends!!) It’s her home, that’s normal. I also wouldn’t charge my child rent other than to save it for her future.

But if you can’t live with it, after all she isn’t your child and I don’t blame you, you need to call it a day for your own sanity.

I wouldn't be putting up with that if he was away all week. No wonder her mother kicked her out. They both need to show you some respect.