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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What DC and DSC call you

22 replies

loststarling · 25/02/2020 09:49

Just curious here, as with two DSC aged 9 and 11, we have recently had a baby DD.

DSC have grown up calling all adults by their first name, which makes it easy when it comes to knowing what to call me!

I know DP will want to stick to this for DD, but I don't. I want to be mummy. There are already so many things about my parenting experience that have been different because he's done it before. I had to fight to give DD my surname too and not just his, "in case DSC are upset to be different" (they don't care at all) and I can see that I may be made to feel difficult on the issue of names too. But surely it's my choice.

So. How does it functionally work when different children in the household call you different things? Do they get confused? Do younger DC imitate their older siblings or what?

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ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 25/02/2020 09:52

Your child so you get to decide what the baby calls you, so you can be mummy. I wouldn’t force him to be “daddy” if he wants to be called by his name but I imagine you will face a lifetime of people thinking he’s not your DC’s bio dad. X

QuarterMileAtATime · 25/02/2020 09:55

My two older DC are the same age as yours. They call my DP his name and he is daddy to our baby. I have never heard of someone not being called mummy in this scenario! What a mean thing to expect of you.

QuarterMileAtATime · 25/02/2020 09:57

Reread the OP and now realise his DC have never called anyone mummy or daddy; I thought it was just you who's expected to never be mummy. I am still of the opinion that this is not his call.

QuarterMileAtATime · 25/02/2020 10:00

On the subject of surnames, if it were the other way around and you had two DC with your surname, do you think he and the new baby would take your name?

sendhelpppppp · 25/02/2020 10:00

dss calls me by my name. DS calls me mummy. No way in hell would i have him calling me my first name just so it didn't upset the others.

I get the feeling this isnt the last issue you're going to have. Seems he only cares about his "first children" and not you or your baby here.

Original poster

loststarling · 25/02/2020 10:02

@ItStartedWithAKiss241 yes, I fear that will be the case. I'm sad we don't get to be mummy and daddy together but of course I won't force him. He would have wanted to be first name whether this was his 1st kid or 3rd.

@QuarterMileAtATime I may have been unclear, it's for himself he wants to stick to first names, but I think would probably have been happiest if I played along with that too. I do remember him once saying his ex wanted to be mummy "but I kept calling her first name and she gave in"!! That will NOT be happening with me!

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 25/02/2020 10:02

If you're not married he has no say in what name you give your baby.

Magda72 · 25/02/2020 10:02

Have heard it all now!
Op - your child & if you want to be mummy then that's bloody well what you are & tell your dp to get a grip. He can decide what he wants to be called but should not be telling you what to do.
As for the surname thing: fgs WHEN will parents stop treading on eggshells with dsc. They know you're not their mother & that your dc is their half sibling, & if you want your child to have your surname that's no one's business bar yours & again your dp needs to cop himself on.

Original poster

loststarling · 25/02/2020 10:07

@QuarterMileAtATime cross posted sorry! I believe he offered his ex to give the kids her surname, to be fair. But now he has 2 kids with his surname, he wants all 3 kids to share a name. But I didn't want her sharing a name with everyone BUT me. So we compromised on double barrelled. The complications of not being married, hey.

@sendhelpppppp I don't think it's that he doesn't care about DD, but it's hard to come into an established family culture that is different from what I would do in many ways. Hoping the age gap will help, as I want different boundaries of politeness and behaviour for my own DD.

OP posts:

sendhelpppppp · 25/02/2020 10:11

@loststarling its not an established family culture. Its his previous family's culture. Its what him and his ex wife chose to do. You are now a new family (inc his children) if the existing children want to call him his first name, that's fine, but he's dismissing how you feel about that and how the new baby might feel about that and only thinking about what him and his existing kids want.

Even with the age gap believe me its hard to teach a small child manners when the older kids dont have any (been there, done that, got the tshirt and still have to tell the 15yo to say please and thank you)

GertiMJN · 25/02/2020 10:14

You get to decide what your dc call you and him trying to persuade you otherwise is unreasonable.

but I kept calling her first name and she gave in "
WTF?

Sorry, but your dh sounds like a controlling bully. I find it hard to imagine that level of nastiness would be restricted to a single issue.

GertiMJN · 25/02/2020 10:15

DP sorry, not DH

GertiMJN · 25/02/2020 10:19

As for the surname thing: fgs WHEN will parents stop treading on eggshells with dsc

In this scenario it sounds like the DP is just using that as an excuse to get his own way.

lunar1 · 25/02/2020 10:20

It sounds like he successfully bullied his ex to get his way. He needs to realise he's chosen to have children with two different women means than things will not be exactly the same.

pinkyredrose · 25/02/2020 10:22

believe he offered his ex to give the kids her surname it wasn't his option to offer.

Original poster

loststarling · 25/02/2020 11:56

Thanks everyone for your input. I have found it hard coming into a family that is so different to my own upbringing. I have doubted myself and thought that I was being overly formal. But I think now that I have read your responses - I'm just trying to have an equal say in how a new family unit including me and DD will work, and it's not just on me to make all the adjustments.

@sendhelpppppp I hear you. The SC adore DD, so I'm hoping they may be persuaded to adopt a few good habits to set an example to her! Like don't start eating your meal with your fingers when it's half served and nobody else has food yet...

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 25/02/2020 12:24

I think you are minimising how crap his attitude is tbh OP. I saw red when I saw that he was trying to insist your child doesn't have your name so that it didn't upset the SC. I'd have thought it was pretty shit that he tried to insist the baby didn't have your name for any reason, in truth, but his actual reason just makes it worse. Pair that with trying to force you to not be referred to as mummy...

He's basically erasing you and taking your experience and authority as a mum away from you to tiptoe around step children that are perfectly capable of understanding you are the child's mother. I would also be worried about this attitude becoming an ongoing problem. As PP said, you haven't come into an existing family dynamic and you don't need to defer to him as a result, you and he are making your family now and SC are a part of it. HE is trying to make it so nothing has to change from when he was with his ex, who ironically by the sounds of things he also bullied. What is his problem with saying mummy and daddy, anyway?

sendhelpppppp · 25/02/2020 12:35

The SC adore DD, so I'm hoping they may be persuaded to adopt a few good habits to set an example to her! Like don't start eating your meal with your fingers when it's half served and nobody else has food yet...

that will only happen if their dad enforces it, which it sounds like he wont. And then TBH even if he does enforce it, your dsc might be like mine and go home to a house with no rules, so every time they come back your hard work has been undone.

Original poster

loststarling · 25/02/2020 12:53

@aSofaNearYou @sendhelpppppp
It may be that he totally gets on board with the mummy thing. I don't want to hang him for a crime he has yet to commit

I suppose I am just anxious. I came into this situation as new childless partner, and was expected to mould myself around what suits DSC and DP. It took quite a while to get my voice heard. I am now worried that everything I do as a parent will be overshadowed and affected by his previous family. Some of this is my issue. Some of it is that he wants his own way and up til now it felt like he had the "I have kids trump card". Thanks for your support - means a lot. X

OP posts:

sendhelpppppp · 25/02/2020 12:56

I am now worried that everything I do as a parent will be overshadowed and affected by his previous family. Some of this is my issue. Some of it is that he wants his own way and up til now it felt like he had the "I have kids trump card

i think your worries are entirely valid considering he bullied his ex into using her first name because thats what he wanted (why btw? its weird!)

Honestly your whole life will most likely be overshadowed by the "first family" in one way or another. You really do have to put your foot down from the word go.

He will still hold that "trump card" because his "first kids" will likely be more important than the new baby, to him. I'm not saying he'll love them less but the sheer fact is that he's already considering them over the new baby, it will most likely continue.

aSofaNearYou · 25/02/2020 13:38

I think your only "issue" is that you think you have to let him have his way. Before I had my daughter I made it clear to my partner that if we had a child together, there would be no "I have a kid" trump card. From then on, he would need to adapt to suit the needs of both the kids as well as myself. I wasn't going to disadvantage my child or expect less of him as a father or partner because of his other kid. Having two might mean that he needed to change things or work harder to be be able to afford/balance them, but respectfully that's his problem, and he recognised that it was his responsibility.

You do need to realise and assert that you are not going to be a second class citizen, or treat your own child differently to how you see fit, due to any "trump card" on his part. It's on him to balance the responsibilities and (if he deems it necessary) prepare his other kids for things being different. It's not on you to make all (or any) of the sacrifices.

Timeforredwine · 25/02/2020 13:53

Absolutely put your foot down tbh whenever heard of biological parents not being called mummy and daddy each to their own but I would have reservations about your partner as this seems such a distancing/emotional request!

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