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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step children - help

16 replies

Chuckie01 · 23/02/2020 16:30

Hi, would be grateful for your advise; I have been a step parent before to my ex husband and his children for 11yrs supporting them throughout as they lived with us and still speak with them now. However this is where I need your help, be honest!!!
My new partner and I have been seeing each other for five months and live a distance so see each other every other weekend and only spend time with each other’s children at holidays and via FaceTime daily.
Christmas was fine however I had my son and his son for this half term and it was hard work and a shock for me. He isn’t taught manners by his father or mother and I expect Manners he would eat with his finger and not use a knife and fork, sit with elbows on the dinner table expect to have iPad/phone while eating at the dinner table (all of which I do not agree on or allow my own 9yr old son) so said this was not aloud as they have to be doing the same and my rules in my house are... the opposite of what he was doing! There was other stuff that didn’t bother me to much as I am aware the two children would be trying to be top dog! What did surprise me was his dads lack of parenting; he has since told his dad and me I’m cruel and awkward.
Do you think I should lower my expectations??

OP posts:

GammaRays · 23/02/2020 17:53

To be honest I think after only five months, it's too soon for you to even have introduced your kids to each other, let alone you looking after his son.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/02/2020 21:42

I have to agree, why are you rushing things?! This child barely knows you and has been left with you for a week? How long had you been dating when you met each other’s children?

There’s plenty to say but to be brief, if you’ve been a step mum before you should know better than to jump in head first, you shouldn’t be in sole care of his son at all at this point never mind for a week, put your child first and concentrate on him during holidays, and you have no future if you don’t respect how each other parents. If you don’t respect him you’ll lose all attraction for him.

LovingLola · 23/02/2020 21:45

I think you should step right back.

notthisshitagain · 24/02/2020 09:17

only spend time with each other’s children at holidays and via FaceTime daily.

And providing holiday childcare, after 5 months??

Yes, his father's parenting is certainly questionable. And so are tour boundaries.

Step waaaay back.

Lifechangingtimesahead · 24/02/2020 10:13

Whether you'd been with your partner for 5 months or 500 years won't make a scrap of distance on Mumsnet, other than the five months is the bit they'll hang onto. You won't get any support on here.

He sounds like a bad mannered child and your partner is not interested in teaching him. From experience leave now. It won't get any better.

I had a similar experience with DP and DSS after we'd been together a year. I brushed it off and we're still struggling on six years later. I think this was my sign to leave. I wish I had.

Good luck.

10FrozenFingers · 24/02/2020 10:16

Ah, the pile on on a poor step mother has begun.

So predictable.

Electrical · 24/02/2020 13:22

frozen the OP has known the boyfriend for a matter of hours, she is not a step parent, the man is a very very new boyfriend.

JKScot4 · 24/02/2020 13:26

Sounds like your BF is a lazy parent, why were you looking after his son? where was he?

Lifechangingtimesahead · 24/02/2020 13:36

Electrical - she has known him for five months, that is not a matter of hours? What does it matter what she calls herself, she is responsible for her own happiness. So what he's a new boyfriend, his child is causing her distress!! You don't have more rights to happiness just because you're a parent! Even childless people are entitled to be happy (irony).

Luckystar20 · 24/02/2020 13:41

You shouldn't be looking after his son for a week after such a short relationship I wouldn't be happy if I was the mum. You sound like you have high expectations and dont come across as very welcoming to the lads with lots of rules, you and you're son are literally a strangers to him.

Electrical · 24/02/2020 13:42

It sure is a matter of hours, yeah. They see each other twice a month. For basic safeguarding reasons they shouldn’t be anywhere near the stage of meeting each other’s kids so early.

SoloMummy · 24/02/2020 13:50

I imagine that as the relationship is still relatively new, that the two children were trying to in effect measure one and another up, and his son measuring up you. All of that is fairly normal I'd say.

What I would question is this was quite early on for you to have to be the free childcare provider given you have a very loose weekend relationship and the tones set suggest that you and your bf have very different parenting styles that I would struggle to see how you'll find the middle ground. Issues like manners, overstepping boundaries are really difficult to Overcome in my experience. Rules around electronics is also a hot potato.

In all honesty, in your scenario, I'd take a step back from the relationship and have a review of your own relationship with him but also the experience of the week. This should have shown you how difficult things could be when outside of the gift giving free rein of Christmas.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/02/2020 13:54

I agree with the others who have said that you need to take a step backwards and stop looking after the child. Not because I'm step-mum bashing (I am one myself) but because it shouldn't be your responsibility to look after a boyfriend's son, especially if he is badly behaved because his dad doesn't parent him properly. Leave it to the dad, seriously. I have been with my husband for over 7 years and I still leave him to parent his own kids - it's not for me to do.

Londongirl07 · 24/02/2020 23:31

Don’t take notice of the bashing I’ve noticed a lot people love to jump on step parents for no reason. We are all humans and have feelings!

Just try to take a step back, it’s still quite early but have a chat with your partner try to explain things you see aren’t quite right and try work together as a team: if the little one doesn’t get taught manners at one home try to work together to teach the manners at yours and hopefully it’ll continue

loststarling · 25/02/2020 12:13

Where is your DP in all this.... why is he using you as a free babysitter for a week? Unless the intention was for you and SS to get to know each other, I'd say he is taking advantage and he didn't do anything to prepare you by telling you what house rules his son is used to.

He can parent his son how he likes but if he wants another adult to look after him, he needs to tell his son to respect that adult. That is fundamental to doing okay at school and having manners! Not to mention that that adult is in charge of his safety.

Nothingfallingdowntoday · 26/02/2020 06:43

Fundamentally different values - never going to work long term. Sorry

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