Help - Undiagnosed SN (potentially)

[ScotslassieFeb]

Sorry if I’m posting this in the wrong area, I’ve had a search of the forums and can’t see any similar threads so hope it’s ok to start a new one. I’m hoping some other parents could give me some advice please. I have two stepsons, one is 7 and the other 10, I’ve been with their dad for over 5 years, so met the boys when they were fairly young. From the first day of meeting the youngest boy I’ve thought he may have either Autism or perhaps Aspergers. I’ve been researching both conditions (sorry if that’s not the right word) so I can better understand them and just to ensure I’m not imagining things, however, his behaviour maps autism and as he’s grown older I’ve noticed more and more attributes similar to autism and or Asperger. I have spoken to my husband in the past about my concerns and after intially getting upset he agreed with me (after a few drinks) that there is something there but he doesn’t want to “label” his boy and that he will “grow
Out” of his unusual behaviours - I completely and unequivocally understand why he wouldn’t want to “label” his boy but I know that you can’t grow out of either condition (if it is one of them) My concerns are that the wee one isn’t getting any extra support at his mums or here with us and I am really struggling to deal with some of his behaviour, I suspect his behaviour can’t be helped but my husband seems to turn a blind eye to it because he refuses to see there may be something underlying. His behaviour is putting real pressure on me when he is here and I feel like I’m not interacting with him as I should because he is so full on. It’s almost like there is an elephant in the room between hubs and I because he knows I suspect something isn’t quite right and so does he, but doesn’t want to check it out. I hope I’m not coming across as truly awful, I love the two boys so much but I am struggling to excuse some of the “bad” behaviour we see which hubs turns a blind eye too (yet will give the eldest into trouble for if he does the same) - help! Neither of his parents believe there is anything awry but as the wee fella gets older, I know he might need support and I want to be able to give it to him or at least understand why he does the things he does. I’ve spoken to my sister about this who is a nurse and she agrees with me that there is definitely unusual development/emotional behaviours that indicate an underlying condition. Hope this makes sense and someone has perhaps been in the same situation. I’m finding myself being really short with the wee guy about the things he does but the behaviours he’s exhibiting have me on edge the whole time he is here.

Thank you x

I get your concerns but this is best left to the parents. A diagnosis would probably change nothing about his behaviour, so if you know a therapeutic and patient way to respond I would just do this now, rather than expecting that a diagnosis will help.

Thank you, I understand a diagnosis won’t change the behaviours he is exhibiting. I would like to know more about what I am dealing with so I can better support, as he is getting older, I see him struggling in certain areas and I feel a bit useless. My husband can be unnecessarily harsh on him at times or beer between out and out ignoring what he does. It’s really frustrating, my little girl gets really wound up by his behaviour too, to the point she is reluctant to come here when the boys are here which breaks my heart. I have explained she needs to be patient but she is questioning why he does the things he does without consequence. That’s making things even more difficult. I don’t think either of his parents will want to diagnose at any point being honest.

In an ideal world he would be assessed and diagnosed if appropriate. But given neither of his parents want this to happen, unless there are significant issues at school it won't.

The only thing in your control is what you want for you and your daughter. I would absolutely sit your husband down and tell him how this is affecting you both.

I would also be very clear, firstly with yourself on your plan if nothing changes. There is a big difference in saying to your daughter her step brother behaves in these ways due to XXX diagnosis and talking about ways to help.

Her just seeing him misbehaving etc with no consequences or reasoning is not something I would want for my child.

My youngest son is 8, his best friend has an autism diagnosis. DS2 will recognise at school when he is starting to struggle and go get the teacher or walk with him to his relaxation room. It's a lovely dynamic, but only because his parents got him a diagnosis and are happy for anyone significant in his life to know how to help him.

I wouldn't be happy at all if it was being ignored and there were no strategies in place.

Thanks Lunar. I’ve tried to explain to my wee girl that certain people think differently and act differently to others and sometimes they can’t help it but not used the words Autism or anything of the ilk because there is no definitive evidence that he behaves the way he does because of X she just sees it as him getting away with behaving “badly” as I give her a row for some of the things he does which are ignored. My husband tends to fly if the handle or get upset when I raise the subject but now this is effecting my wee lassie I am going to have to sit him down and explain what’s going on. I feel quite useless tbh and way out my depth.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP.

My DSS has now been officially diagnosed with moderate/severe autism and from the age of 11 has had the amazing opportunity to attend a specialist school to support his needs.

Prior to this both my DH and his Ex W absolutely REFUSED to have him assessed as they also 'didn't want him labelled' .. This response caused all kinds of problems for him. In primary school he was kept in year 2 until he left. Can you imagine what that did to his self esteem ? In with the 6 yr olds when he was nearly 11 ...

He wasn't a 6 yr old... he was a TEN year old , with special needs but the school couldn't put measured in place because the parents refused a diagnosis until EX W partner put his foot down and said he would leave if she wouldn't help her son get the help he needed.

This was ALL about the parents .. and Not about the best interests of the child. My lovely DSS is now 19, just learned to drive 😀... (with the help of specialist driving instructor through Motability) .. is still at college learning a trade and been given the most amazing support.

I also had 3 DCs of my own. I explained really early on that DSS had different needs .. they adjusted their behaviour accordingly. We just didn't include DH in that decision because he wasn't ready to accept it.

Thanks Patty. It’s really frustrating for me. I’m careful to be very patient with him but certain behaviours I’m not sure if they are ones he can’t help or ones we should be picking him up on - his manners are deplorable at time’s and I feel like I’m constantly telling him to say please/thank you or not to interrupt when people are speaking. His big brother also gets extremely frustrated too as he sees the younger one being excused for things he himself gets picked up on, which really angers him, he then gets fed up and is nasty to his little brother because he doesn’t get why he is allowed to do things he can’t. I feel really sorry for him as I can understand how hard it is for him. I’m finding I’m making more excuses not to be in the same room as him due to the constant jumping up and down on the spot (for hours) talking to himself / constant use of his devices - and that’s not on - I should be spending time with him. I think the jumping non stop is a way to burn off his energy and when he doesn’t jump he rocks violently, like self soothing. He’s 7 but acts much younger, which also makes my wee one ask questions which I’m trying to answer but not label anyone.

I shouldn’t be hiding away And I hate sounding like I’m nagging him all the time to do simple things like saying his pleases and thank yous. It’s making me feel really awful and not a great stepmum being honest.

I don’t think his school will pick up on anything being honest, the school itself has been in special measures for quite some time and is buckling under the amount of pupils they have. It’s hard for him to get the lessons he needs let alone them picking up anything else.

I love my husband and the boys so much but sometimes I feel like I’m ready to explode :(

And well done to your boy Patty you must be bursting with pride x

OP, if your husband won't act, there is little you can do - it's not how it should be, the little boy needs support. But he has 2 parents, and your little girl needs you to protect her - she shouldn't be unhappy to be at home with you.

It’s so difficult, she’s so patient to a point as well. Thanks for all the advice so far. It helps just getting things off my chest too x

My concerns are that the wee one isn’t getting any extra support at his mums or here with us and I am really struggling to deal with some of his behaviour

OP, I get what you're saying about not knowing whether certain behaviours are ones that he can control or not.

But I just wanted to say that you're probably not missing out on much support at home anyway - even with a diagnosis, the services in many areas are very stretched so you'd likely be left to your own devices at home anyway.

Since you've researched ASD, I would start to implement some of the strategies for dealing with the behaviours and see if it helps.

Could you suggest his dad requests a referral to OT for the sensory issues if they're a concern?

Hey, what does OT stand for? Part of the issue is that his dad is in complete denial about things, I have suggested in the past it might be a good idea to speak to the family doctor when his dad has been complaining about some of the wee ones behaviour in the past but he is really not up for speaking to anyone, he seems to prefer to either kick off at him and tell him to “stop being a wimp” etc or just ignore :(

OT = occupational therapist. They deal with sensory issues and help parents/educators adapt an environment to accommodate a child's experience of the world.

It's especially helpful for people with ASD but they help with lots of different issues and can help with suggesting strategies, etc which might be helpful.

Fabulous thank you. I thought it might be that but wasn’t 100% - I’m willing to try anything being honest. I am worried it’s going to blow up into an argument with my hubs because of the frustrations on both sides. Thank you x

This feels very familiar OP. I have always suspected my SS might be in need of assessing but everyone in his life was convinced there wasn't a problem. He was diagnosed about a month ago. Now, everything has changed in the way family are dealing with him, a large amount of allowances are made, and if I'm being totally honest that doesn't make the things that are difficult about him easier to deal with, because if anything they are being let slide more. It really sounds like your heart is in the right place and you really want him to get the help he needs, but you do probably need to ask yourself whether his behaviour is too much for you and your daughter to deal with regardless of whether he has a diagnosis, because I wouldn't really expect that to lessen the symptoms.

Is your daughter your husband's daughter? Sorry I couldn't work that out from the OP. Just trying to work out the dynamic between them.

On the other hand, I think you are absolutely right that his parents choosing to ignore it is not the best thing for him, and honestly your husband needs to give his head a massive wobble. Getting disproportionately angry with him and calling him a wimp rather than addressing whether there's a reason for his behaviours is not only not helping, it's probably doing active harm.

Hey, we don’t have children together, so the little girl is mine from a previous relationship. It upsets me they don’t seem to want to see or do anything about it because I do feel that it’s more about them and they way they perceive their parenting than the boy himself. It’s almost like my husband is embarrassed .. I get it must be the hardest thing in the world to front on, goodness knows how I would feel if my wee girl was in the same situation, but the lack of acknowledgement is again frustrating for me .. my sister is a nurse and deals with PIP assessments and she often tells me about the cases she sees of grown young men and women that are struggling with life due to them not getting help or diagnosis when they were wee. The cases she has seen where the young adult can’t hold a job down or struggle with relationships and not being diagnosed early on in life has really messed up their life, of course I might be getting too far in advance but I don’t want that for him I want him to be happy and sorted. I have asked my husband to speak to his ex wife but they have such a toxic relationship they barely can speak civil about holidays etc so that’s out. She must struggle with his behaviour at home as I feel exhausted after a weekend, let alone her having them all week etc. Sounds strange but I’ve seen some of his YouTube videos with mum in the background and she does exactly the same as my husband, ignores him completely when he is acting out and doesn’t speak to him when he’s misbehaving but again is that because they are normalising the behaviours so they don’t have to admit they are an issue? It’s becoming a real elephant in the room with my husband and I and I just simply don’t know what I can do .. not much by the sounds of the parents refuse to do anything. I’m going to read up more about autism etc and see if I can learn myself to implement things at home.

And agreed so much about the wimp thing that’s awful. I always say to my husband “I don’t think he can help how he reacts emotionally don’t mock him” x

Good thinking about trying to implement things at home when you're with him, I tried to do the same. It might really help him to have somebody responding to him in the appropriate way.

Ah I think you need to step back. This boy isn’t your son and both parents have told you they don’t want to go down that road. It would frustrate me and make me incredibly defensive of my child if my partner was pushing for something that concerned my DC and I wanted him to drop it.

I can understand you wanting to ‘solve the issue’ because his behaviour is annoying you. If he had issues at school the school would be on it so this, for you, is a behavioural issue. A diagnosis won’t solve anything as his dad will still let him get away with it. Probably more so..

Hi, I’m aware he isn’t my son and at the moment I am stepping back. I haven’t pushed for anything, merely raised concerns to my husband, thank for the input however bones :)

And the behaviour whilst frustrating isn’t annoying. I am worried at the lack of support seeing the impact being undiagnosed has.

Thanks Sofa. Will see how I get on x

I think Sofa has an idea. If you look in to what he might respond to better it might make things easier for him and your dp might see and follow your lead.

I have two friends with kids with autism. And tbh they really don’t get much extra help at school apart from extra time in exams and some extra teaching support but out of school - nothing.

Good luck