How do you not sweat the small stuff?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Genuine question. I am fed up of being irritated by my 12 year old stepson's thoughtlessness. He walks round the house looking at his phone constantly and has no awareness of his surroundings whatsoever. I find myself getting irritated by him leaving lights on all over the place, not flushing the loo, not cleaning it after use, forgetting to take his lunch to school, you get the picture. He has lived with us part time for nearly two years and my husband constantly reinforces house rules and tries to make him accountable for doing stuff but I feel like it goes in one ear and out the other. I know that none of this stuff really matters in the grand scheme of things so how do I stop myself from being irritated all the time?

Meditation perhaps? TBH I'd expect a 12 year old to able to flush the toilet, my 8 and 7 yo can manage that.

It's something you need to get out of the habit of. He isnt trying to annoy you, he's just relaxed at home and not on 100% focus mode. Cut him some slack.

Not flushing the loo is something you get out of the habit of. That disgusting. When my DSS was about 9 he’d regularly forget so whichever one of us noticed we’d get him to go back and do it, he got the message eventually and started doing it himself. I’m at home too, I like to be relaxed, that’s difficult if other members of the household are being unnecessarily inconsiderate and making work for me.

Phones and stuff I leave to DH but if it’s too loud I ask him to turn it down.

Children are irritating. People of all ages are irritating. One thing I find that helps is “catching them being good” and focusing on things they do which are helpful, kind, thoughtful, then trying to bring those good things to mind when you catch them being fucking annoying and trying to balance them in my head.

Thanks for the replies. Focusing on the good stuff is a good tip. He's not a bad kid and I know that others have much bigger problems with their stepkids!

I know that none of this stuff really matters in the grand scheme of things
Focus on and remember this!

I find I go through phases of being more or less tolerant of my DSS’s. They are both incredibly entitled and spoilt, which is my DH fault- he openly admits this and these are his words. They are also both really lazy as their mother runs round after them constantly. But I just remember that they aren’t doing it on purpose and it’s not my fault they are like it. If anything it makes me determined that my DS won’t be like it!
I try and let the small things slide but anything that really bothers me I speak to DH.

@Jamjar18 the mum situation sounds familiar and as far as I'm aware there are no house rules in her house so he spends a few days there, comes back here and forgets everything we asked him to do.

I am menopausal too so sometimes everything gives me the rage which doesn't help!

It's hard. When it's your own kids you've had them since they were tiny and helpless and you just fall in love with them. Then when they get big and stinky and annoying you forgive them because you remember the gorgeous toddler hugs and the tiny person who needed you for everything. That bond can be harder when you have to do it all in one go. It's the same with partners. I can forgive a man I'm in love with leaving the light on, but one I'm less keen on can annoy me just by breathing! But it isn't his fault, so give him a break. He's not trying to annoy you!

The thing is, kids are annoying. Especially when they aren’t yours! I ask myself “does it effect me?” and if the answer is no then I force it out of my head.

Do from your examples:

Walks around on his phone - if it’s not making annoying noises and he’s not bashing into/breaking things then that’s not for me to waste my time worring about.

Forgets lunch - as long as I’m not expected to drop it off (which I wouldn’t) and let say if DH was dropping it off and that didn’t interrupted our plans etc then not for me to worry about.

Leaving lights on/not flushing or cleaning the loo - well i pay the electricity bill/use the loo so that does effect me so I’d expect DH either to send him back to do or do it himself. I wouldn’t care who did it as long as it wasn’t left to me.

It has taken me a while to get to this point and sometimes I still find myself thinking bloody hell DSD has left her room in a right state, but then I shut the door and leave it and remind myself that it’s not my problem.

It might sound harsh, but I don’t want to spend my time getting annoyed/worrying about things I have no control over. Your time/well-being is too valuable to waste on it!

Just wanted to say I really understand where you're coming from, it's a constant struggle. I think AiryFairyMum has it bang on and I also do exactly what HeckyPeck does. It's only really your problem if it affects you.

I’m not sure I have much of a solution but just wanted to say I feel the same at times; my DSD is nearly 12 and quite thoughtless/careless about things in the house although probably no more than any other child. There are a few things that do really annoy me (wet towels left on the new carpet) being one but most of the other stuff I’ve learnt to take a deep breath and ignore rather than feel I’m nagging all the time

For every time I have to unreasonably clean up after DSS who is 13. I expect him to repay us in terms of additional household chores.

For example. Twice he was reminded to stop leaving the elastic bands from his mouth braces all over his bedroom - because it's pretty rank having to clean it up. Third time, he had gone back to mums leaving lots of elastic bands from his mouth randomly on his bedside tables.

The next week he was here he was made to do the dinner dishes every night for the week of his stay, because I shouldn't have had to clean up that particular mess

I ask him if he would like to clean up after me and the spit from my mouth, or separate my underwear when doing a wash....he says no. Somehow he gets what I'm saying and is now contributing to the running of the house without even knowing

Ahh at least I'm not alone, thanks all for your useful comments. Sometimes I feel like a wicked stepmum getting annoyed at him (but I do get annoyed at my own daughter as well!) I guess we are only human.

It isn't really major things but it's still stuff that the kids in our house would be made to come back and do. Maybe that way they'll actually learn to remember. Not flushed the loo? Come upstairs and do it. Not turned the light off? Come downstairs and do it. Etc... .

I remember getting told off by my own parents for not doing X Y or Z after being asked 100s of times so I do think small stuff like this is part and parcel of having kids in the house but as above, I still wouldn't ignore it. I'd continue to get them to do it until it sunk in. It gets pretty annoying have to pause your game with your mates to go upstairs to turn a light off or flush the loo

Got up to another unflushed loo this morning. Wish now that I'd woke him up to come and flush it.

I wouldn’t even ask my DSD to come and flush it, I’d get my DH to ask her to flush it. I think it’s his job to do the boring parental nagging!

Good point @HeckyPeck. DH has had a conversation with him. Again.

Take a massive step back, roll your eyes a lot and repeat the mantra "not my monkey, not my monkey"...

It's really not easy though

Be thankful your DSS isn’t pissing all over the bathroom floor and leaving it there. I used to call him back to clean up after himself, and have spoken time DH a thousand times to do it, but he just isn’t bothered. I toilet trained my 3 year old DS by myself, and he manages to get everything in the bowl, so I’m at a complete loss as to why DSS does this.

By the time I decide I’ve had enough leave them to it, which will probably be in the not too distant future, I swear this will be one of the reasons why! It’s so disrespectful of everyone else who lives in the house.

My DSS is 10 by the way, so not a small child at all.

Yahboo, are you me???

We had exactly this problem in our house and I used to go mad at DH about it. It's disgusting, neither me nor DH should be cleaning up a 10 year olds piss. It's pure laziness. Thankfully it's stopped now but it was a case of continuously getting DSS to come back and clear it up, properly.

Ew, that is proper grim 😡

Stepping in a puddle of wee in your own house for the third time in a day is not fun at all.

Most things I do try and follow the "not my circus, not my monkeys" mantra, but I have to say this one really pisses me off!

I was the same, left most things to DH but that was one thing I wasn't ignoring. It's my house too and I shouldn't have to be cleaning up someone else's urine who is perfectly capable of doing it themselves. So yeah, that was nipped in the bud pretty quick!