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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dh, his anxiety, and my kids...

25 replies

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 20:45

I've been married to DH for three years, together for 11. I have 3 dc and he has one that lives with us, aged 19. My son (18) sleeps in the dining room, converted to a bedroom. In this room is my DH's stuff brought from his marital home after it was repossessed and after he and his ex separated.

DH has quite severe anxiety and some things he just can't cope with. There's a fair bit of paranoia mixed in, as though he feels like we are all against him. He's never really had much counselling, although he is booked in for some.

On to my current problem. My son, who is 18 wants to rearrange his room and all the stuff that belongs to DH. DH doesn't want this and shuts down when I try to talk to him about it. He just leaves the house whenever it all gets too much. And by "all", I mean, someone cooking in the kitchen and making a mess, or me getting a bit upset after a long day in a stressful job plus this issue with the bedroom.

I can't take much more of the times when its like this, but when it's good he's very lovely and supportive.

He needs help and so do I!

Does anyone else live with a partner or family member with anxiety?

OP posts:

MellowBird85 · 19/02/2020 20:51

Bloody hell, have I read that right - he’s been hanging on to this stuff for over 11 years and still not sorted it out? In any case, that’s your DS’s personal space and he’s being massively petulant and unreasonable by flouncing off every time you try to speak to him about sorting it out.

It does sound like he needs to see his GP. Paranoia and irritability can be symptoms of anxiety so he’s best getting that dealt with via medication / CBT.

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 20:56

He is being petulant but how do i make him see this? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

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Jamjar18 · 19/02/2020 21:05

My DH has severe anxiety and paranoia, he thinks everyone is out to get him. In particular we have so many arguments about his ex wife who he panders to constantly through fear she will destroy his life. I try and see things from his point of view but it’s an incredibly stressful situation. He is having CBT at the moment which I’m hoping will help.
I think until someone is ready to accept they have a problem and get help no one can do anything. I would take the matter of his stuff being in your DS’s room into your own hands though. Could you get a storage unit or somewhere to put it? So it’s still in his possession but your DS can rearrange his room.

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 21:32

I'd like to ask for help on behalf of dh as it affects all of us.

Thank you jamjar, it's always a relief to know I'm not alone.

I wish he wasn't unreasonable. I've been looking for houses to rent tonight, and that makes me sad. I am sad today, it's awful.

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Jamjar18 · 19/02/2020 21:46

Yeh it’s really hard to be with someone who is mentally unwell.
Perhaps an ultimatum for him to get some help? But my DH when he’s in a rut doesn’t care and just tells me to leave him. He usually starts CBT then goes off the boil with it and tells me he’s too busy etc etc. I think this is the third time he’s started it in the 5 years we have been together. I’m waiting to see how long he sticks at it but in my head I’m losing patience.
The only time I can ever get through to him is when he is having a better day. Could you speak to your DH when he’s being a bit more positive?

lunar1 · 19/02/2020 21:58

The issues need to be separated. Yes your husband needs help, that doesn't mean the rest of the household has to suffer indefinitely. your son has lived with all this stuff long enough, he should be free to move it out of his bedroom, it's absolutely unfair to have left it there this long.

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 21:59

My dh is similar now that you mention it. When he's more positive he's great. I forget about the bad times and then get brought back down with a bump when he's not in a good place.

I hope your dh gets help properly before he loses you. It would definitely be a weight off my shoulders if i left.

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Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 22:00

lunar you are totally right, but dh just won't face up to it. Not at the moment anyway.

OP posts:

Sally872 · 19/02/2020 22:03

Can you pack up the stuff and move it somewhere else? Garage/loft/your bedroom as then impact of the stuff in yours sons room is resolved.

averythinline · 19/02/2020 22:05

Your poor son ..., how many years has he been putting up with this crap... I'm surprised he hasn't moved out! For his sake just chuck out all the crap....if it's not been looked at for 10yrs...

Your dh needs to get treatment and you may have to kick him out to make it happen

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 22:16

He's been putting up with it for 8 years.

Dh is a hoarder which has issues of it's own. I want to buy a bigger house to solve the bedroom issue but it won't solve the dh issue.

OP posts:

WomanIsTaken · 19/02/2020 22:16

You're not alone, OP. It is very stressful. Like you, I oscillate between browsing the estate agents' websites and then, when DP is bring chilled out and reasonable, thinking "Well, it's not so bad." Exhausting. I think I will end up seeking a separation in the not too distant future; being with a highly anxious person is putting me perpetually on the back foot, and so much of our lives has gradually become about micromanaging all aspects of day to day living in order to avoid flares, that I hardly notice doing it anymore. But it's always there.
Sorry to hear you're in this situation, you are no doubt very strong, coping with and managing so much that the people in your life would never even guess at. In your shoes, I'd tell your DH to rent a lock-up. Is there anything about it being your son who is inconvenienced? Why isn't the stuff in his DS' room, seeing as it came from his childhood home? Don't get me wrong, I don't think either son should be affected by your DH's tendency to board.

WomanIsTaken · 19/02/2020 22:17

hoard, apologies. And good luck!

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 22:22

You could be right about it being my son. Though his son has all the stuff from his own childhood that he still has. And under my bed is all the stuff from DH's childhood! Wtf!

I don't show any of it to anyone you're right, and i spend so much time worrying about potential situations that may cause problems that i don't relax much anymore.

Coming on here tonight has grounded me immensely.

OP posts:

theoriginalmadambee · 19/02/2020 22:31

Wish I had some advice. I feel so sorry for your dc.

WomanIsTaken · 19/02/2020 22:40

I'm glad, it can be such a lonely place.
I have just come to the conclusion over the years that I don't want to blame him, he's just the way he is, but some of the consequences of being who he is are incompatible with me being who I am, and living together in general. I so recognise the 'coming down with a bump' thing, that's where I am tonight.
But hoarding is an anxiety disorder and he will just get increasingly rigid around his things and in his response to your attempts at finding a solution unless he gets help. DP isn't a hoarder, if anything, quite the opposite, gets very triggered by 'stuff' to the point where we have also looked at buying a bigger house in order to create more of an empty, zen like vibe, with our few belongings spread over a bigger space. I would love to have my own space to fill with beautiful textiles, books, paintings, plants, instruments and ornaments without anyone breaking into a cold sweat about it

Jamjar18 · 19/02/2020 22:55

My DH has OCD with his anxiety, he hates having stuff out and has no sentimental value to things. It’s a bit annoying as I find things shoved in random draws or worse never find them again! Plus god forbid I fold a towel landscape rather then portrait 😂

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 23:03

And i would love to have space without old tat and someone breaking into a cold sweat if i move it!

I too feel as though the way he is now, or maybe always was isn't compatible with the life I'd like. This is hard as he can be wonderful, he needs help and that would make him happier in the end.

I'm sorry to hear that tonight you're feeling the same way as me WomanIsTaken, you have given me the best advice. I hope you get your lovely house one day, filled with beautiful possessions, with or without your dp.

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Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 23:05

Wow OCD with anxiety, that must be a nightmare! On the whole, anxiety is a destructive mental illness that breaks up relationships and destroys lives if not managed properly.

OP posts:

Jamjar18 · 19/02/2020 23:15

Yes a bit of a nightmare, plus undiagnosed but suspected ADHD (his youngest DS has it, diagnosed 18months ago and they are really similar). He was in a good mental place when we met and things have just snowballed over the years. I regularly think about the fact he really isn’t the man I met and fell for 5 years ago. It’s really really hard. If I had known he was like this I wouldn’t have got involved. But here I am trying to support him but deep down knowing my life could be so much easier!

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 19/02/2020 23:36

It’s really really hard. If I had known he was like this I wouldn’t have got involved. But here I am trying to support him but deep down knowing my life could be so much easier!

That sums up how I'm beginning to feel.

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TorkTorkBam · 19/02/2020 23:48

For me the killer fact would be his unwillingness to seek help. That's just plain selfish. Loads of people have problems with anxiety, with hoarding, with break ups. Most seek help if it is affecting their loved ones. That's the push to get better.

For your DH, things affect you and the children badly and he just sends the message that you all have to stfu, then he does exactly as he damn well pleases, with no attempt to get better for your sakes. That's not OK. That's a good enough reason to move out.

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 20/02/2020 00:04

It's me that enables him. I'm going to tell him that I've reached my limit and I'm considering moving out.

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 20/02/2020 00:09

Its tricky to love some one and not enable their anxious behaviour. If you cant separate the two, its best to put some distance between you. Enabling just makes the anxiety worse in the long term, so it actually harms them

Original poster

Livedandlearned · 20/02/2020 00:22

You're right, i know, I just needed to get some outside perspective. There's a thread on here for partners of anxiety sufferers, that would help me, as have all of you tonight.

OP posts:

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