Need some advice on how to deal with difficult stepson.

[Wandawomble]

I have two kids of my own, 12 and 13
I also have 2 stepkids, the boy is 10 and his sister is 7.
DH and I have been together for 4 years.

I have a few things to unpack here and would be grateful for some advice,

Stepson is a difficult character.
In that time I’ve seen a lot of bullying behaviour from the brother to his little sister and I’ve told my partner about it, he will have a chat with the kids but it’s never really ever been dealt with, the kids mum is oblivious and insists they are very close siblings and they “never fall out.”

I’ve seen the brother pin his sister down and fill her mouth with grass when she was saying no, I’ve seen him kick her down on the floor and then put his foot on her chest to keep her down, he used to pull down her knickers (thankfully doesn’t do that anymore) he swears at her, shouts at her and insults her. She cries constantly. He’s also got behavioural issues, he’s addicted to his PlayStation, gets aggressive when he’s told he can’t play it and is addicted to other devices, he will get up at 6am and be on the device all day if he could. He lies about things all the time, especially about what he’s doing to his sister, lies about his bad behaviour. I’ve never heard a kid swear as much as he does. He’s ok around my two but he takes everything out on his sister who is becoming withdrawn, crying all the time, and now she is acting out, wanting attention from other boys so she develops crushes on boys in her class. She’s desperate for attention from her brother. And is becoming manipulative, difficult and whiny herself but I know it’s because of his behaviour and she’s fine when she is on her own with my two.

Not sure what to do anymore as both parents don’t seem to want to accept his behaviour is awful because they are invested in the idea of their kids being best friends. DH is very gentle and kind, and the kids mum is more concerned about looking perfect on the outside and pretending everything is perfect, so they aren’t protecting their daughter from this bully. Their mum is very wealthy too so her kids get everything they ask for and he’s very entitled which means he also expects everything to be given to him that he asks for and has been complaining to her that he doesn’t get to do fun stuff at our house which is why he picks on his sister.

My kids aren’t angels of course, but the only time there is peace is if the stepkids come over separately because he wouldn’t try to bully my two because they are older and they keep to themselves. When we have been out with other parents and kids he will cause scenes and accuse the other younger kids of doing things to him and pretend to be injured for attention.

I have rules in my house about his behaviour and recently have called him out more on lying. He will cry and say he misses his dad and use it as an excuse to get out of admitting to doing bad things, neither parent will follow through on holding him accountable.

I feel so sad for his sister and I’ve encouraged my two to separate her from him, but it’s not my job to do what neither of his parents seem able to do.

It doesn’t feel right to do nothing, but I’m not sure what else to do. I’m starting to find him to be quite stressful to be around because of his bad attitude. Things came to a bit of a head this weekend and I’d like to have a bit of a coping strategy in place for the weekend when we next see him.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Just to add we have the kids every weekend. I think what has upset me is that he he lied to his mother and said he never gets to do anything fun here when we do stuff with them all the time and we don’t have a lot of money right now. He’s using it as an excuse to be mean to his sister.

Hate to say it, but do you want a lifetime of this?

After everything came to a head this weekend, I told DH I’m starting to not like being around his kids, I said that I think the reason he is so lenient with them is because of misplaced guilt and he agreed.

We’ve chatted about it this week and he’s agreed to put some boundaries in place. He’s probably going to take a bit of time to come to terms with how he has been previously as DH has Aspergers so I have to lead him a little, but I’d like to have a bit of a plan.

HollowTalk it feels like that right now, like wtf is going to happen as they get older if this carries on?
But I love my DH, my kids love him and splitting up isn’t an option.

If you’re DH isn’t 100% committed to addressing this appalling behaviour, then I’m afraid you’re going to end up having an aggressive, out of control teenager on your hands in a few years. You say splitting up isn’t an option but there’s no way I could cope with this. My DSS (14) was a massive pain in the arse when he was younger...still is to a certain extent but now a lot better because my DH wouldn’t tolerate it. However, he was no where near as bad as your DSS. Violence and swearing at 10? What’s he going to be like at 15 if this isn’t dealt with?

@MellowBird85
I think my DH does want to address it (now) but as DH is Aspergers, he is a bit slower on it all, he has to understand it completely and then he sort of galvanises himself and I’m hoping now after this recent weekend where I blew up and told him it had to stop... I said I wouldn’t look after them on my own anymore for instance, he will start to be firmer.
What did your DH do to put rules in place? How did he support you in doing what was best?
I’ve muddled along with it all for 4 years, mainly being the main disciplinarian but I’ve noticed that stepson is getting worse recently.
This is the first time I’ve reached out to talk about it really. I think I’m unpicking it in my own head to understand the dynamics.

My own kids are also Aspergers so I’ve had enough to deal with but this acting out from his kids is now becoming more acute.

My DH has been very patient in dealing with my kids when they have had Asperger meltdowns for instance, as both were only diagnosed in the last two years. He’s been such an amazing support to them especially as all three relate to each other. And we do really love each other. Splitting up isn’t the answer. This weekend he was a bit shell shocked at the events and I could see he like me was grieving for the family we all could be if it wasn’t for this dynamic that has developed. I think he has always been deeply defensive before. Aren’t we all about our own kids?

Love is blindness.

But like you say @MellowBird85 what is this boy going to be like when he’s older? The mother is so middle class too, it’s like she won’t admit her boy is a swearing mischief maker. They live in a wealthy town where the kids are bored and roam around in packs. He will be one of those kids unless his parents intervene now I suspect.

@Wandawomble fair enough if his Aspergers has got in the way of him realising the severity of the situation but he really must step up ASAP. If for no other reason than his poor 7 year old DD...I feel so sorry for her

Forget about their DM, there’s nothing you can do there so don’t stress yourself out further with that. All you need to concentrate on is “our house, our rules”. Sit down with your DH and agree on action plan about what will happen going forward.

To answer your question, my DH was basically consistent and there was a consequence for every instance of bad behaviour (no treats, technology, etc.) As for me, I just refused to go anywhere with them until his behaviour improved. Surprisingly this was a good incentive for him because the DSC’s prefer it when I’m there

You sound like a lovely couple who want the best for all your DC’s so I hope you can get this sorted

I have aspergers but was in your role with my DSC. We found that a United front worked, if one of us wasnt happy with the others response, we would discuss it away from the kids and discuss how we can approach it in future. You need to decide how you will respond to his behaviour and be consistent. Although I do believe behaviour has consequences and dont go back on my word, I (or DH when prodded) will always take the time to sit down and discuss why they did what they did, why it was wrong, what they could do in future instead if they felt the same way and how to handle it better and why there were consequences.
Luckily DH pretty much let me take the lead on discipline as I'm a very big believer in firm but fair and natural consequences, which fortunately it turned out he agrees to and aims for but dosent know how to implement (he grew up with two very abusive and manipulative parents so struggles to find the line with discipline).

Addmittedly though I have stepped back now and let him take responsibility and only step in if it needed but that was due to having a lot of problems with my own mental and physical health so couldn't cope with the demands of being in charge of everything and having to do all ghe mental leg work regarding organising and planning things to do.

My DH son is very sly and I caught him trying to rag my 2 year old daughters head before I was absolutely fuming I screamed for his dad and his dad took everything he liked away from him , he's very sly and constantly grasses on everything she does even if she gets colouring pens out he runs and tries getting her done for it he will do everything in his power to get told off but when it's not your own child you capture everything they do his dad doesn't see it all he is a compulsive liar , mums not involved but he's 7 and I just don't no how to deal with him sometimes ! I feel how you feel!

Bluebell - your DSD is v jealous and insecure your DP and you need to wortk together to make him feel loved in your family.

OP - so the mum is middle class - wtf has that got to do with anything. His father your partner needs to grow some balls and parent his child in his house. YOur DP is capable of it with your kids but not his own.

Stop blaming everyone else and get your DP to front up and deal with his son

@stuffedpeppers hi , I make him feel like he's my own child I refer to havjng 3 children not 2 but he doesn't like me doing that , if I buy my 2 anything I always buy him the same I provide for him with his father like his mother should I buy him absolutely everything I show him love I show him that I care and he knows I'm always there if he ever needs anyone I tell him I'm not his mum and I'll never take her place but I'm always here as a figure if he needs a mum like figure he understands that , I don't no what else to do I spend 1 to 1 time with him as my youngest are 1&2 years old , so taking them out to soft play won't include the eldest with him been 8 but then I go the next day and go to cinima with him or anything he asks really just can't seem to get through to him and it's been 3 years xx

You need to make sure that your Dh does the parenting when his children are at his house. That way he can’t go on ignoring the issues then blaming you when you draw them to his attention.

So make as many excuses as you can to go out when his kids are there. Otherwise he will leave it to you as he has already been doing.

Your poor poor poor DSD. The treatment by her brother is vile. How can any parent sit by whilst their child is 'crying all the time' due to their other child's behaviour and not do anything.

Your husband really really needs to get a grip of this for his daughters sake if no one else's. Does he not want to protect her?

I couldn't stay and watch this if your husband doesn't make some changes to seriously deal with his sons behaviour towards his sister.

I think he has always been deeply defensive before. Aren’t we all about our own kids?

He needs to start defending his own daughter a bit more.