Best approach...

[QueenofallIsee]

I have 3 step children aged 15, 13 and 6. Oldest and youngest are with us frequently (every weekend minimum, oldest more like 50/50). I have 4 kids of my own just FYI.

13 year old step son has stopped coming over. I don’t think it’s deep rooted issues, I think it’s based around unlimited Xbox at mums and being a bit lazy. His Dad is dealing with it as best he can.

My issue is that he wants in on any fun activity/holiday/shopping trip but won’t actually spend other time with us. For instance we want to go to Alton Towers - he won’t come and stay as a family with us but wants picking up from his Mum, spend the day doing the fun stuff and then going back to Mum. I want to book a holiday but when asked which 3 weeks of summer we were having the children (we split holidays) we got ‘just let him know where we are going on holiday and he’ll decide if he wants to come’

It’s really bothering me. I feel properly taken advantage of. I don’t see why I should not plan fun family activities with my kids and my step kids but I am feeling like a walking cash point for him.

Any advice welcome

I should probably say that his Dad tries to arrange one on one time, walks/lunch/watches him play footie/swimming etc but DSS prefers to wait and join in with what is arranged for the whole family as that is when the ‘big stuff’ is up for
grabs and he does get on brilliantly with my sons

Oh my god this would drive my mental. He's acting this way because he's being allowed to, I cant believe any parent would encourage their child to have this attitude the way his mum is doing. But if he grows up with this sense of entitlement and poor manners, then he is going to be one unpleasant adult and will struggle as a result.

I think his dad owes it to him to not tolerate it. Either he comes for contact and comes on the fun things, or he misses out. He doesn't get to pick and choose and make demands. Him being angry at his dad is the lesser of two evils against him actually growing up this way.

Everything @aSofaNearYou says. This would drive me nuts too & yes he's getting away with it because he's being allowed to. He's being given the ability to control family time which for a 13 year old is plain wrong.

My husband has actually said that this can’t continue - I am just terribly worried that I will make a wrong step and alienate him. I don’t want to exclude him, but we are not paid entertainers! We are his family and I think it’s everyone’s job to make that work. I’d never allow mine to behave this way and my other step kids wouldn’t dream of it!

As long as you and your husband are on the same page, there's no reason for that to happen, but it all needs to come from him.

I'm personally of the opinion that we shouldn't allow behaviours that are clearly unacceptable out of fear of alienating the child, because the end result is worse. It is our job to teach them, not just be liked by them. If he falls out with his dad over it, hopefully the lesson he has learned about manners will allow him to look back with a better outlook. As long as he is welcomed and knows you all want him there and are glad he came if he does come for a normal contact weekend, then you've done the best you can by him.

thanks both

I am in a similar position and appreciate just how frustrating it can be.

No one likes to feel used. Biological or not. It isn't behaviour that is considered okay in any other situation.

Best bit of advice I got given was to plan things as you would normally, don't say in advance so they get a chance to pick and choose. Then hopefully they will learn to see that being part of "fun" family stuff involves being part of all family stuff, including the less exciting bits.

He needs to see himself as a member of the family, not a picky guest. That isn't how family life is run.

Nor is it my belief that it does any good for family dynamics to allow that kind of behaviour. Not only could the other children eventually see that as acceptable behaviour. He very well (if he hasn't already) will see that continuing it means he gets thrown money at just so his dad can see him.

Myself and DH have decided to plan things as we always would, then if they choose not to come we can't control that. But we won't use it as a bargaining chip with them. If they don't come, for our DC sake the plans will stay as they were, and we won't hide it either. If it comes up a simple "you would have been there too if you'd have come when you said you were" .

Life doesn't stop and start for anyone. Nor is it more exciting just to try and please one person.

I really sympathise. We have this exact situation with 14 yr old SD. It's difficult and I feel the same as you OP. She now starts "gently" trying to find out the weekend plans as of the beginning of the week before contact to try and decide whether it's worth coming or not so I'm following with interest to hear other peoples views on this.

"We'll pick you all up on Sunday, I'm not coming back on another day, it's dad week"

Couldn't be doing with cherry picking.

@scarycoaster out of interest, what do you/your DH do when asked what plans are? We take the same view as you, if you're here and we go out great, if you've chosen not to come and then miss out, well that's just unfortunate as it was your choice but SD believes she should be told what is planned so that she can make an informed decision!

A lot of the time, we genuinely dont make definite plans so he just says (truthfully) that he's not sure what's going on but that isn't always going to be the case and obviously he doesn't want to blatantly lie to her. I don't know what's going to happen when we do have more planned days out.

We've still yet to properly implement it tbh. My break down last week resulted in a thread on here which helped us come to that conclusion.

When we have been asked in the past though, we have just said we haven't figured it out fully yet. Which tbh we hadn't, as we were running every other weekend around if they turned up or not.

Naturally that couldn't continue for their sakes or our mutual DCs sake.

Now, honestly? We are still discussing the "how to approach wording it" . It's hard finding a balance between making sure they know they are thought of and wanted while also making it clear we won't be booking things just to bribe them to come.

My husband agrees that as his son has said he won’t be staying for Easter, I go ahead and book our ‘treat’ activity for the other children. It’s one that can be added too last minute if things change over the next few weeks/month. Next years big holiday booking is on hold - I really wanted to book it now and pay it off over maximum time but it’s not that big a deal really. DH is going to sit him down and say that if he doesn’t want to be part of family life we won’t make him, our door is always open but we are not paid entertainers and when we arrange treats they are really in recognition of the role everyone is playing in our family, they are not entitlements just because! I am worried about the Mums reaction (she is a great one for whispering in the kids ear) but he has to say something. We simply would not tolerate this from any other child of the family and it’s so not fair that one is getting away with it! We treat them all the same and he is getting special treatment really.

Wish us luck!

Good luck!

The way you both plan on wording it is something I'll put towards DH myself as a way to explain things also. Seems a really positive way while still enforcing boundaries.

Hopefully this will be the start of positive step forward for your family and hopefully SS will see there is more to being part of a family than free days out.

Sounds like you and your DH are handling it really sensibly. It is totally unsustainable and I agree with all the PP who have posted about the wider negative impacts on your whole family as well as him.

Really hope it goes well and he makes the right choice.

My dd at 14 bowed out of family life away from his df's. Allowed to drink there, no time curfews. Expelled from school - fine by exh. Money for phone /alcohol etc. Rang me at 15 to come live ft as he decided he needed a family and a parent!! Been nc with his df for over 3 years.
Yanbu to pander to his demands op.

Thanks all. I think I have perhaps been over thinking it because he is not my bio child but we work so hard to make sure all our children are treated equally in the family that actually in this, I have made too much of the non blood aspect - I am a trusted adult in his life and that comes with a responsibility to guide and correct as I would my own children. I’ll let you know how we get on!!

Good luck to all of you in your various challenges - it’s fraught this blending lark!

It's a hard one and I understand how you feel. But it seems that different kids have different personnalities and interests and it's very hard to compete with videogames too. Even if they are controlled.
I'm having a similar issue with my 12 year old son who lives with me full time. He's just not interested in simple family activities. He would only go with us if we're eating out or some special activity. SD who's 13 is more docile and follows us easier even if she's not very excited about the activity. For example, going to the nature is a big no for my son, SD is not excited, but still goes. I tried forcing my son because I obviously want him to be part of the family life (he was abandonned by his father, so that's his only option), but he just complains and it's very unpleasant. But he will go playing outside with friends if they ask. Yes, my son missed out on some unplanned outings to restaurants, which he loves, but it doesn't change anything.

Like I mentionned on another similar thread, my older SS's stopped coming to visit their dad at about 15. They would sometimes join us for some special activity and the only way to have them in our house (they are 19 and 17) is to organise a supper or some special activity for them.
My DP thinks that friends are more important at that age (that's how it was for him when he was a teen) and is not bothered. It did bother me for a while as I also wished we could connect more as a family, but unfortunately it's like that.
Your DH can talk to his son about family values, your SS could maybe make a small effort, but if his heart is with his friends (generally videogames are played with friends), it won't change much. It's just his personnality. And I think it's great that he still wants to come to some activities, I don't think it's because he takes you for paid entertainers. I'm happy when my son comes to at least some activity with us.

A similar story here too OP. SD schedules time with us on the basis of what's in it for her and it used to be that she's ask if we were eating out or going to the cinema etc she'd come.

We went through a phase of telling her not much was happening on the weekends that these activities happened then she'd find out via her brother when he went home. The phrase "you owe me a Wagamama's" was uttered by her one day.

We've stood our ground and now she's stopped being so selective, but we had to push through it.

The phrase "you owe me a Wagamama's" was uttered by her one day.

FFS. Who is raising these brats?

@MeridianB there's a bigger picture here with a grandmother who undermines DH at every opportunity and worships the ground SD walks on. We've had years of this. The irony is that before I arrived there wasn't enough disposable income for days out and Wagamamas, but that's just something I chew my fist on

It sounds like such hard work, Dolly. I’m just baffled about whether those who do this ever look ahead to how this can create an adult who is completely ill-equipped to deal with life.