Any advice?!

[Scotsmum902702]

Hey everyone, I just wondered if anyone has any helpful advice at all! I’m going to keep it as short as possible. Basically my partners ex stopped all contact (before I met him!) eventually through lawyers he does get contact for one hour a week in a contact centre. He’s really struggling with the little time and the fact that he can’t possible build a meaningful relationship with his little girl. He’s asked her to allow him contact in a soft play so she can have lots of fun with her dad and it’s more one to one however she just point blank refuses. He’s applied for legal aid as he doesn’t have parental rights and wants to try and change the contact so it’s better for both of them. He’s recently met my daughter which was great she loves him and he is brilliant with her. However we’ve hit an absolute massive road block because recently he’s been feeling guilty, sad probably anger as well that he can spend so much time with mine and not his own. It’s gotten him so down to the point he is saying he just can’t do this and I understand where he’s at and I get how upsetting it must be. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I’m heartbroken and I know my daughter will be and so will he if we don’t move passed this. Does anyone have any advice on how to help him or how to make it more bare able? I know there’s no easy fix here and I feel so sad for him that he’s even in the situation as there’s no need for any of it! Lawyers and fees and legal aid just takes so long and it’s drawn out by his ex only responding to the second letter and disagreeing with everything apart from money! It’s so frustrating seeing him be treated this way and I want to be there for him with regards to it all I just don’t know what to do. Do I walk away and let him sort that out and hope once it’s sorted we will be fine again? Or do I try and make it work as best we can with how it is?

Why does contact take place in a contact centre? Is it supervised?

I would want to know why he is only allowed supervised contact with his daughter and I wouldn't rush into introducing him to yours until it all sorted out.

How do you know there is no need for lawyers and a contact centre? How much do you really know about a man only allowed to see his child an hour a week, with whine you are letting your child spend time with.

It is very uncommon these days for so little time to be awarded

That would be ringing alarm bells for me.
Why was he awarded such strict, limited supervised supervised contact?
How long have you been together?

I totally understand what you're all saying and should've explained better maybe.

The contact centre is in place because it was the only thing she would agree to after stopping him seeing her for months. She doesn't want to change it because she doesn't want him to get more time. It's not supervised contact, it's not been awarded by a court as that, which is why he's trying to fight it and get it to court. She has asked that it's kept in a contact centre one hour a week and she'll visit his house once a year with their daughter so his parents can see her. Every single letter that's sent she doesn't budge which she can do until the courts are actively involved. She refuses mediation and any alternative arrangements suggested. She literally holds all the cards here and there's nothing he can do about it.

I get that outsiders looking in judge him in the situation because of the contact arrangement and that's fine. I'm not irresponsible enough to let someone around my daughter that is a danger to her. He's absolutely not. His hands are tied because she refused to allow him to be on the birth certificate.

As above really. Aren't you worried that he is only allowed to see his child one hour per week supervised? What risk does he represent for these kinds of precautions to be in place?

You say he doesn't have PR, so how did he get any contact at all? That doesn't make sense. He doesn't need a lot of money to establish PR.

Sounds like he is spinning you a huge lie to cover something really sinister up.

Apologies, cross posted with your update.

Simply then he MUST go to court. He needs to be put on the birth certificate and he needs proper contact with his child.
How old is the child? Why has he waited? I hope he pays correct maintenance for the child even though he’s not on the BC.

None of this rings true to me. It's hard to get a place in a contact center (they often have long waiting lists) and they are nearly always court ordered and always supervised. They also keep records of whether the parent turns up, is in a fit state to see the child and interacts with the child. They are not playgroups.

He's not waited. He's been trying since she stopped contact to rectify it. She decided a month or so ago that the little girl might no be his but has since retracted it and the advice from the lawyer when he asked for dna was if you question it they'll stop all contact and it can take months again of not seeing her. He doesn't want that especially if he is her dad. He has paid since the start and continues to do so as well as paying for the use of the contact centre each week and the lawyers fees. It's crippling! Like I said his hands are tied and I only wanted to know if anyone had been in a similar situation and could offer advice to help

If he wants to sort this long term, he has to go to court, get paternity established, and get an access order.
The solicitor is giving advice that will keep the father stuck in this half-existence for as long as possible. Unless your dp isn’t telling you the whole story.

Go to court as soon as possible.

Sorry but his hands aren't tied at all. He could've taken his ex to court long ago.
I don't think his story rings 100% true either.

Why are his hands tied? what are the reasons he is giving you for not going to court? I think it's foolish to risk contact with your child until you know what is going on and not just taking his word for it.

Thanks for the responses  I haven't gone in to the whole situation and specifics for my own reasons. I appreciate how it looks to most of you and that's absolutely fine because I asked for the advice on a public forum. He's never made any excuses for going to court. He wants too. Neither of us have been in a situation like this before and he's literally followed everything his lawyer has said to the letter so he was doing it right and she's been involved since the beginning.

Any normal lawyer would have told him to download the forms from the .GOV website, fill them in, sign them and send them off. It costs roughly £200 - £300.00 really not expensive at all. ??

I think there are so many family lawyers that encourage the writing of regular letters and really drawing things out because this is a money spinner for them. He needs to make an application to court and like a previous poster has said, it costs £250. My advice would be ditch the solicitor, read up, tell him to do his research and represent himself. The family court system is completely flawed and unbelievably biased. My DH spent £30k fighting contact with his ex and it is still an awful situation for everyone involved and more importantly for the kids. There are no punishments or deterrents for blocking contact between a child and the non resident parent. Consider your future with him carefully because hostile relationships involving courts and kids is a world of pain.
Sorry to be so pessimistic, I only speak from experience. Good luck.

Bluebell I actually cannot thank you enough for responding to this. It's been a case of trying to do the right thing going by what the lawyer says all the time and it's been so frustrating and I was at the point where I thought it's for money. We've spent just under £4000 so far and have gotten absolutely no where. It's so difficult watching him so hurt and I know it'll probably get worse before it gets better I hope it works out but I'm prepared for the worst I think. Thanks so much

He doesn't need a lawyer to get contact. He can download the Child Arrangement Order forms and apply himself (£210?)

Some lawyers are about making money. They want you to instruct them to write letters etc so it's in their interests that your dp is in an insecure position.

If I were him, I'd get the forms for being added to the birth certificate too, she might withhold contact for a while but once that sorted he never has to worry about her threats.

No worries, glad to help. You won't get a lot of useful advice on here sadly as I think most of the MN users assume the mother must be justified and the fathers a complete shit. Oh and Step Mothers are also evil btw lol.

When I met my DH 9 years ago I think we were both quite naive about the whole system. We have since had 4 big court cases and things have just got worse and worse. It's not as simple as just going to court and getting things sorted. What follows in difficult cases is usually hearing after hearing with various accusations at each turn. I could go on and on really. I don't know whether you can private message on here, I don't use MN much but you are welcome to contact me direct if it helps.

Thanks strawberrylipgloss! I'll definitely look into that with him. I really appreciate your help!

Bluebell I'm not sure but I'll try! I've kinda gathered that. I completely understand he looks like the bad party here to some people but he's just not at all. I wasn't aware you could do things for court on your own literally have no experience of any of it!

How old is the child? When did they separate, and how often did he have contact and what sort of contact before she stopped it? Mums don't suddenly stop contact for no reason. Not that the reason is justified or real, but it is still a reason and that reason is important to sort things out.

In the end, all he can do is keep going. The easy way out is to forget about his daughter and substitute his love to your daughter. This however would be very wrong. Fighting on is his only option, however hard.