would you expect to be involved?

[sendhelpppppp]

As a step parent of around 8 years, to a 15yo DC (who for context has lived in your home for over 2 years FT - and previous to that and after that stays with you 2-3 nights a week) would you expect to be involved in school issues like attendance/behaviour?

Not if he has two parents

DC does have 2 parents. Would you still not expect to be involved if it directly affected you, or was heading towards the DSC living with you FT again?

No.

ok thats super helpful thanks for your elaboration there.

I’d say yes because as an adult in the household you can legally be held accountable if the child doesn’t go to school. I took my children out of school for five days once for a holiday and got a letter stating every adult in the house will get a fine.

Yes I would. Mumsnet has a strange thing against step parents.

If it might mean him living with you again then of course you should be involved. It will affect your household if he is playing up. If you have other kids it will affect them.

thanks. I am torn, because previous to DSC living with us, i didn't get involved, but then there was never anything to get involved with. On the whole, DSC is a very good kid. Ex never reported any problems with his behaviour to DH either.

When DSC lived with us, we didnt have problems. I did "discipline" if need be but only because i was home more than DH. Wasn't often as like i say DSC generally well behaved. For reference DSC moved in with us after a fall out with ex, and ex claimed that she "couldnt cope with DSCs behaviour"

Seems as though DSC is even now years later not as well behaved for ex. We have spoken to DSC about this but never get very far - DSC claims this is not the case. I dont fully believe DCS as their persona on FB is a very different one to the one they present to us, and i think maybe thats the way they act at home too.

Ex claims she cannot make DSC go to school. I understand teens can be hard, but we personally dont even have to wake DSC up on a morning, they just get up and get on the bus and go. We havent had any dramas.

There might be a meeting at school if this doesnt improve which DH doesnt want me to attend because he thinks ex will show herself up. Personally i think we all need to behave like adults and present a united front. I think he's using the rift between parents to essentially do what the fuck they like at ex's knowing she wouldnt ever ask us for help.

Its difficult because i full on parented DSC for over 2 years, and still do now when he is with us.

We do have a younger DC together who even now is confused as to why his sibling is no longer there all the time.

The only reason i think DSC might move back in is that if it doesn't improve ex will want us to take responsibility rather than her, which is always what happens when things dont go her way unfortunately.

I’d say it’s not a great message to send you or your DSS for you to be expected to be heavily involved in the day to day grunt work of parenting, discipline etc and then be cut out like this.
Your DH needs to decide if he wants you to act as a parent to his child or not IMO. You are right about presenting DSS with a united front I think, he’s clearly been playing the weaknesses of the set up.

Of course you should be involved and consulted in anything that might lead to tour SC moving in with you. As to the meeting, I would say it wouldn't be all that important that you be there, but I do agree with PP that if your husband is relying on you to parent the SC then yes you should be there and you should be a united front (especially as you have already mentioned that playing you all off against each other is part of the problem). It is very cheeky of your husband to expect you to parent his child but be cut out of important stuff. It needs to be one way or the other.

I tend to agree, and i have said this to DH, decide whether im involved or not, and if i am then great things continue as they are and i try and help with school/behaviour whatever else. If i'm not then fine, but equally dont expect me to "parent" him at all, including cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, buying him stuff, financially etc, and also i think if i'm expected to just be "dads wife" and not a step mum i dont think its viable for him to move back in with us. It wouldnt have worked the first time and i dont see how it could now either.

DH of course takes it as an insult to his parenting and me saying "he cant move in if im just dads wife" as a massive dig at DSC, which again it isn't it's just that i dont think that would make for a successful scerario and i dont think it would benefit DSC let alone anyone else.

DH main issue about me attending meetings etc is the behaviour of his ex - which i understand. She is not the most calm or rational woman i have ever met, and she very much hates me with a fiery passion. However i dont think her reaction is my issue, and if she cant sit down for an hour and discuss whats best for her own child, then i think that says it all really.

What did your DH say when you put that to him? I’m guessing the idea of you downing tools went down like a fart in a lift?

not that much to be honest. I think the realisation of how much extra work he's have to do was a bit of a slap in the face.