I knew what i was getting into....But now it feels like im failing:(

[JustBreathexoxo]

I just started a new relationship with a friend I have known for years.Its been 2 years so far and we still have our ups and downs but like they say "I love him".When we got together he didnt have care of his 2 kids and I could see it bothered him immensly so I encouraged him to get care of them, which he did he has a girl aged 6 and a boy of 12.I have a girl also from a previous relationship only child of 9.
The two girls constantly bicker and argue there personalities are SO different and the boy well he has led an easy life when he first moved here with us he didnt know how to the most basic of things to care for himself and I felt that he lacked the maturity I would excpect to find in any 12 year old.
The relationship I have with the boy is growing I am encouraged by watching him grow and learn within our new home he is, (despite his lifestyle before now) coming along wonderfully.
The reason Im posting the girls.Always fighting verbally with the odd push and shove to my dismay.My daughter the 9 year old is very mature for her age so it dissapoints me to see her react to lil miss 6 the way that she does.And lil miss 6 well I have never meet a child like her,demanding,loud,rude,disrespectful,manipulating and cunning. I know I know she is just a child let me put it like this she has had a horrid upbringing due to neglect she craves attention and will do anything to get it.I have compassion but want to change what she has learnt so far e.g to get what she wants she behaves and speaks like a baby,Daddy's lil princess.So what do I do, I already feel like the evil step mother and if your wondering why the role of raising them has fallen to me well my partner works alot and is hardly home, and when he is he struggles to keep up, He lacks any sort of parenting know how and is himself learning from me also.
Sorry this is soo long, just any suggestions on how I build a relationship with lil miss 6 when in all honesty(dont hate me for saying this)if she were a grown up i would not be in her circle of friends and she would not be in mine.

Try not to dislike lil miss 6. She's lost her Mum and she hardly ever sees her Dad. Think of how that must feel. You have now by default become her main carer. She was neglected in the past. I have often heard that attention seeking through bad behaviour is a classic symptom of neglected children with new parents. They are only used to rejection and disappointment and so she is goading you to give her rejection.

Can you get some help from family support services via social services?

sorry to hear you are having a tough time. i think mrs marvel is very sensible and that you need a bit of support and encouragment,

being a step mum is twice as hard as being a mum - because you lack (as I do with my 3 step kids) the instinct one has with one's own children. this means one has to be patient and intelligent and have a lot of stamina to go the course.

i think it will pay off - keep up the good work - you sound like a really caring person who is just having a wobbly moment right now. Is her dad quite interactive with her when he is around?

Thank you for your response's and encouragment. It is extremly difficult and its nice to know there are those out there who have been where I am.
Her dad is involved when he feels like it. I know it sounds awful but I think I mentioned that he lacks even the most basic parenting skills.When he is with her, he treats her like a baby his lil princess(she is the only girl in his family).I dont interfer as i view it as their time, personally I dont think its very productive for her young mind but not sure what stand point to take on it.
Is it strange to feel annoyed that at 6 my daughter would never leave lolly wrappers thrown on the floor or bits of food or chewing gum, but our lil miss 6 needs constant monitoring and reminding of where rubbish and leftovers belong. In some part it feels almost as if my 2 step kids have already learnt certain behaviors and theres nothing I can do to re-teach them.

I suppose if you continue to be assertive about the behaviour you expect in your home then she'll eventually come round. Perhaps you also need some help for your big girl to understand lil miss's history? Do you think she's feeling threatened?

Don't attribute all of your feelings to the fact that she is a "step" rather than biological daughter. I have 2 girls (4 and 5) - DD1 will tidy up quite happily but I have to stand over DD2 to get her to so much as pick a toy up - let alone put it away. It infuriates me - I don't want to let it go as i feel she needs to learn and end up shouting at her, which upsets both of us. She is also the main instigator of any fights! That is just her personality! But she is also very funny, independent, confident and has a great imagination so she entertains herself well. Look for the positive in this child and encourage that.

Lil miss 6 is playing up to get a reaction - you need to be consistent with all 3 kids and lay down the rules you expect to be followed in your house. Don't let her get away with things that you would not let your own daughter do. Give her lots of praise when she does things you do want - even if to start with its daft things like sitting still for a few minutes. Ignore the baby voice - only respond when she asks for things in a proper voice. Talk it over with your partner as he will need to back you up.

Do you get any alone time with this girl?Maybe find an activity that you do just with her - even if it is just a walk to the shops to get a loaf and stop at the swings on the way back. Do it regularly.

I am a step daughter too (from age 10) and it does take a while to really believe that this other woman can love you when she has her own child too. We had our ups and downs but now she is as close to me as my own mother (and we are close!). I call her as much as I call my own mum and spend more time with her than with my dad (as she is at home in the week when dad is at work). She is a fantastic gran to our kids and looks after them regularly.

i feel for you, i am a step parent to a 13 year old boy, as well as having 3 ds's of my own, 13, 11 and 3.

My 3 boys get along fine with their step brother, but my older 2 argue and fight with each other!!

I have a zero tolerance rule, its ok to disagree, everyone does but no swearing, name calling or hitting, if they do 10 minutes time out to calm things down and to think about what they could have done differently and lose a privelige, ie no ps2 etc.

If their 'disagreement' gets too loud ie they start shouting etc, i tell them to take it out into the garden where i cant hear them (they never have done, they stop) Usually arguing is to get your attention, so if you cant hear them, they dont bother.

Hope this is of some help.

Sam the comment you made about it taking awhile to believe that this women could actually care and love you although she has her own child gave me lots to think on thank you

I was running low on energy and ideas but gained encouragement from your remark.
Maybe its just more persistance,assertiveness and time thats needed for our new family.

And the SS of 12 is still coming on great, and have regained some energy in getting DP to take a more active part in helping me get lil miss 6 into her new home routine.

So hopfully in the not to distant future I'll be able to post about how wonderfully we are all doing finally.

It wasn't just the fact that she was step I know they are two very different girls, I just became frustrated at how little she knew for her age and not of her own fault I know.
But its definately going to be a struggle to get Daddy to realise that treating his lil princess the way he does is not very benefical to her future expectations and to get Daddys lil princess to realise that she no longer wears nappies and is not a baby.

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alittleone2 you hit a soft spot there alright lol. It is definately her behaviour that I am not happy with and not her personally but at times dsd AND dp tend to think the latter because of the constant reminding of house rules, house rules which apply to us all.
And this at times cause's alot of friction between dp,dsd and I

I am encouraged by you saying that things get better and easier in time thank you.

I have general house rules for all reguardless of age and for my sake and dd who knows what my expectations are my dp,dsd and dss will come to know them in time with persistance patience and constant bloody reminding lol.

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