What to do for the best

[Newlife04]

Me and DP have been together for 2 years. 4 DC between us DD14, DD10, DSS10, DSD4.

We live together and have my DC all but 1 night/day a week, DSS50% of the time and DSD visits a few times a week (different parents).

Most of the time things are fine. Things with DSD however can be more difficult. Doesn’t really interact with anyone other than DP and DSS despite me and my DC trying to include them. I have tried to do lots and join in as much as possible when they are here but am often rejected, this feels crappy and I don’t know what else to try so I am just waiting it out now in the hope it will improve.

Part of the problem is she doesnt come very often and due to work etc I am not always home when she comes or for very long either.

Come Sept she is due to start school and due to childcare issues I think it is likely DP will be expected to pick up all of the school runs, if things don’t improve by then this is going to be really difficult for everyone I think as it will feel very intense compared to the situation now. It also is likely to mean we would get no days ‘free’ which when coupled with it being quite hard I think could really push our relationship to being difficult. I would like DSD to come more but would like there to be more shared care like with my other step-child rather than this as I don’t feel it’s sustainable everyday and I don’t feel like it will help the current situation either.

Everything feels quite disjointed at the moment like we are 2 seperate families and that wasn’t what I wanted at all. Not sure what to do for the best, need to discuss with DP but don’t want to come across wrong but don’t always feel he considers how things impact on the rest of the family in general and he needs to do this as otherwise it won’t work. Or do I just call it a day as it may not get any better?

Never really anticipated this situation and not sure what to do for the best.

Tricky one but I wouldn't call it a day just yet because of this
What is the relationship like between your DP and ex? Would it be a real possibility for her to come more often?
Also is there any chance of you spending one on one time with DSD for a short time?
I know it must be tricky when there are other children involved but could you take 1 day of annual leave to spend some time with her, just you and her?
I say that because I found it hard to bond with my DSD (who's 10 now) but when she was younger I took her out 2 or 3 times by myself and it really worked wonders. Since then I have always looked forward to seeing her and have a relationship with her which is seperate from her and my husbands

Relationship with ex is varied.
I think at some point she may come more often but no plans for this yet. It seems to be more on a practical level, for example the school runs, if this happens then it would potentially be everyday, which I don’t agree with as I don’t think it’s feasible long term or right. Plus it means she would still be here majority when I’m working which doesn’t help the rest of the situation.

I have offered to take her out on her own but not sure how that would go at the moment but with when she comes there is currently no opportunity for that to happen as just not the time and she wouldn’t come if everyone else was here. But I do think this needs to happen. I have asked DP but he hasn’t done anything about this yet.

I think part of the problem is his ex wouldn’t like it either, me being too involved with DSD and can just see this causing issues long term. We are all very equally involved with all the rest of the DC and exes are fully aware etc and both other DC have step parents on the other parents side too. Ex is super protective and think DP can often be worried about ‘rocking the boat’ with her but it’s not really helping the situation.

I can only sympathise from what you say in your second post - it is a perennial problem with building positive relationships with step children isnt it. The children can feel guilty for liking you etc
What your DP does in his contact time is up to him but I'm sure you know that - what I mean is that how will the ex know if you spend more time with DSD? Will DSD say anything?
You have probably spoken about this issue sn exhausting amount of times with DP but can you try and get through to him somehow that it is not in DSD's best interests to carry on as you are and he has to 'rock the boat' with the ex to make things better not for you but for your DSD (and you will reap the rewards too obvs)
I had a similar issue - and it wasnt until I explained that it wasnt really anything to do with my feelings but for the wellbeing of the child that my DH snapped into action so to speak

Thanks for the input and it’s good to hear from someone else who has experienced it.

The DSD may or may not say something I guess but I guess there’s probably another issue here of the not rocking the boat situation really that DP has kind of kept me a certain distance from ex in case she messes with contact. I get that but it’s not conducive to moving on and building a relationship so think he needs to face it and she needs to just accept someone else is going to be around in her child’s life. I have no interest in taking her place or would even try or want to, but I think it’s important she has a good relationship with everyone.

I will speak to DP again I think. I have in the past, but will do it again and discuss the contact issue later in the year I think in regards to shared parenting. It is most certainly his decision and I try my best not to interfere with it, but I think when contact is happening when everyone is there and in a house everyone lives in, everyone should have some kind of input to a point to make it work for everyone the best. I certainly don’t change anything with my 2 and contact without discussing with him first just out of courtesy, I would still make decisions alone if needed but like to hear his view and will adjust/take into account where appropriate and feel he should do the same here.

I am hoping someone else will come a long with good advice but you don't come across as wanting to take her place at all.
The trying to take over the mum role thing happened to me too - I just said to DSD that I have a mum too who I love and am very close to, no one can take the role of mum and no one is trying too. It helped that she had met my mum who had given her a present so she instantly saw my mum as "nice"
The thing with step parenting is that you love them too much, you're screwed! If you love them too little...you're screwed! Once I accepted this (and how silly that is) things have been better
As I said I'm mostly commenting (this time) cos I'm hoping to bump this for you and you get advice from others too

which I don’t agree with as I don’t think it’s feasible long term or right
What is the actual issue? Surely it will be your oh doing the drop off and pick up, so how will it impact in you?

Why would he have to do so anyway? Is he a teacher?

OP, you've only been together two years, you are 'two separate families' as you put it. Why is that a problem?

Surely your relationship will evolve naturally with DSD when you're seeing her more?

You're asking a huge amount of the kids given you've moved in very quickly. It sounds like you've largely gotten away with i it

The thing is in most other ways we aren’t at all 2 separate families and are very well blended.

If he does the school runs it will in effect mean between 7-8.30 every morning and 3-5 every day he will not be able to be anywhere else/do anything, we usually have probably 2 days a week currently where school runs are not required so we could plan things or do things on those days for example a day out or weekend away etc. At the moment I try to plan anything like that or any time off work to do things like that around knowing which days the children will not be here. With other clubs/activities factored in on the weekend that effectively will mean we have 0 days to do or plan anything, and I think that will have an effect on our relationship too. I am more than happy for us both to have shared parenting with the other parents involved and have contact with all the children and would love to see DSD more but ideally for longer periods and when we are all here also, so we can build more of a relationship. But I also like us being able to have our time. Life is generally very busy with work and things all the kids do anyway so having that time just us is important too.

DP is self-employed so is ‘home’ although does need to work. This is another worry as DSD is still quite little he would likely not be able to work much when she got here in the morning or after school, and this would likely mean he would then have to work most evenings which means no time then either. I just don’t think it’s a feasible long term option for the duration she will be at school for.

Its all so weird?
Why DSD will be in your house in the morning before school drop off?
I can understand that Dad will pick her up and will look after her until her mother is back from work but what is the business with mornings?

Poor kid - she is 4 years old, lives with Mum and presumably knew her brother before split coming on certain days but then she has to go to another house where there are 2 more children she does not know.

No wonder she is clingy to the two people she vaguely knows.

You are not well blended because the most vulnerable child is not happy. You now want to pull her from her one security - Mum to have more time 50% and thrown the mix starting school.

This is not about her, it is about this new family giving her time and space and security to feel part of it - she is 4 years old. You are worried about your 1:1 time not about making this child feel secure.

Agreed stuffedpeppers I had to read the post twice to understand it.

Your DP has two children with different mothers therefore when DSD was a baby, presumably DSS was there 50% of the time. At some point that arrangement changed (when DSD’s parents split up) and now she has to go to your house and interact with four DC and a new step-parent, and she has not even started school? Don’t you think it is good that this small child will have the opportunity to be picked up by her dad every day? Maybe when things settle down, she will manage after school but she has already had such a lot to cope with in a short time and she is very small. If you were not on the scene, surely it would not be in question that her dad pick her up? Loads of dads are at the playground gates these days. I honestly think that you should let her dad decide what to do for the best. It will work better in the long run if you do.

Three DC sorry

Annamina - I agree, I don’t think it works well either. Just because mum starts work earlier than school.

It would mean the day would be like this, wake up at mums, come to us for an hour before school, go to school, come to ours for an hour or 2 after school and then go back to mum. She currently stays until 6/7ish a few days a week at the moment so not sure if they would stay the same of not. For me I don’t think that is right I think that’s too much backwards and forwards for a child of that age. It would also mean on the day’s she went home earlier her sibling wouldn’t be here either, so they wouldn’t have the person they usually like to play with here.

If the rest of us were not on the scene I have no idea what the setup would be, but the thing is we are and as we all live together there has to be arrangements that work for everyone and you are right, most of all the little one but also the other kids who live here too and the adults.

I certainly don’t want to pull her from her one security in fact I am trying to keep that a bit. I think personally it would be better for the child to have the same contact days/times as their sibling and then be with mum the rest of the time, that way it is no different to what they were used to. It would also give them more time with the whole of the family and we would all be able to get to know eachother better which in the long run would be better for everyone.

Would it not be better for DSD to go to breakfast club? When is your DP going to work if he is tied to school run?

So basically DSD would be at your house as if it were wraparound care.

On one hand, it is no different from going to a breakfast club and after school which is not on the school site, except better as she is with her dad in an environment she knows.

On the other hand, I can see that your DP is getting the short straw as he is basically the childcare substitute. You are going to have his ex picking up and dropping off DSD five days a week as if you were an afterschool.

Have I understood correctly? I cannot decide if the arrangement is really unfair or genius and I think it depends whose perspective you take.

Yes that would be the exact arrangement. And the school provides wrap around care. That his ex would get funded due to benefits. So in my opinion it should be that DP does it on his contact days, fair enough, no issue. But not the other days.

It feels very much like we will be used as wrap around care and that doesn’t seem right for anyone really.

My issue is also with DP working as he will be tied to the school run and DSD is too young to amuse herself or be independent and won’t do if sibling isn’t here either. This means DP would only have school hours to work, meaning he would undoubtably end up working evenings and weekends which when the other kids clubs are thrown in means we will get practically 0 time together. Not a great basis for a relationship really either and is bound to put a strain. It’s not as if DSD is almost finished school this would be for 6 more years.

Why is your dp thinking of agreeing to this op? It seems remarkably unfair, not to mention disruptive, for a child that age especially if the school provides wrap around care.

She wouldn't get full funding for wrap around care, so this arrangement seems to be to reduce costs. You say your OH is self employed. How much maintenance does he pay?

Could it be some arrangement that means he pays low maintenance, so in essence, that works both ways? And it is probably better for your DSD to be with her dad/family than wrap around care especially at this age.

So the arrangement suits the mum, it would seem your OH or he wouldn't have agreed, the SD, the other SC who gets to see his cihld, the only one it doesn't work for is you because you don't like her being around every day.

You are a blended family of 4, and such family rarely have time for themselves because the children are always around. You can't have it both ways, wanting a blended family but at the same time the benefits of time for yourself as a couple that people in recomposed families get more often.

As long as your OH doesn't expect you to do any of the pick up/drops off and looks after his DD without needing you to do anything, then I don't think you can really complain when ultimately, it is no different to him having living with your children full-time.

I agree too that her behaviour is totally understandable under the circumstances and the changes in her short life, but hopefully, the more time she spends with you and your children, the more she will start to see everyone as her new family and interact as such.

Well it's up to DP to put his foot down. On balance he could offer to increase maintenance to cover a proportion of at least breakfast club so he can start early. He could also restrict after school care to say 3 days per week.

All you can do is explain to him is the impact on both his DC and your relationship.

He pays whatever maintenance he should pay, I am not sure how much as I don’t ask or get involved in that. It doesn’t not suit me with her being around everyday. I will likely be at work anyway so I will barely see her, that is part of the issue. It feels like DP is basically going to be providing wrap around care which suits the ex as she then doesn’t have to sort or pay for anything else. But then on top of that she goes all the positive time with DSD too where we get a few hours a day in which most of us won’t be there. We don’t get the chance to build up a relationship but yet they will be there everyday.

I don’t really have an issue with him doing it some days in the week when he is due to have her after school anyway, if that reduces the cost, although it isn’t very expensive as the care is connected to the school, she currently has DC in nursery so it will cost significantly less than this, so she will has less costs either way.

Sounds like he needs to insist on a more equal share of her leisure time and if she won't agree go to court?

This is why it's usually EOW and half the holidays so both parents get "quality time" with DC.

I am happy for him to do 50/50 the same way he does with other SC, I just think this is done to suit her/childcare rather than to ensure everyone gets the quality time, mainly DP and other SC but also so the rest of us get to spend some time with them too.

I don’t know why DP would agree to it, I don’t think he necessarily thinks about it very much and is happy to do it to suit but I don’t think it’s the right way to go about contact long term.

I think I am just wondering whether I say something or just leave him to it and let him get on with it in the hope he will see it for himself when it all starts happening. He also does the school run for his other DC a few days a week so not sure how he would manage doing both (different schools)

You are his partner, you can definetely express your opinion. I would do it in terms of him and the girl getting quality time together as well as with other family members as opposed to just suiting the mother.