DSD mood in, no contact from Mum

[StellaEllaOla]

Hi

I think in my head I've turned a bit of a non-issue into an issue, so looking for some advice and context!

DSD has not got on with her StepDad for the last 2 years - her Mum & StepDad have been together for 8 years (married for 5), I've been with DH for 9 years so neither of our relationships are new.

Following lots of very heated rows and disagreements (mainly between DSD and her StepDad), DSD (14) was dropped off at ours last October with a bag of clothes and has been here very since. She saw her Mum twice for a few hours over Christmas but other than that there has been very little contact from her Mum and DSD has not been back home at all. My DSS (15) is still living with his Mum and StepDad and gets on with his StepDad so no issues there plus he's still visiting EOW and school holidays (when his social life doesn't get in the way!).

I have a reasonably good relationship with their Mum. We've had to discuss a few things about DSS recently but when I've broached the subject of DSD she shuts down and avoids it and hasn't responded to my messages. DSD has not seen her Mum since Boxing Day - 6 weeks today. I really feel for her and she won't talk about it so that's another issue on its own.

DH says it's very straight forward and DSD is now living here, which is fine but is it really that easy? I want to start the ball rolling in formalising DSD living here (tell school, change Dr etc) but surely her Mum needs to agree to this and how do I do that if she won't deal with it? What do I put in a text, letter or voicemail to her. We're still paying child support for both children so that needs to be recalculated to include just DSS but I don't want to do that out of the blue - and I don't want to go ahead and make the changes if their Mum doesn't actually see this as a permanent situation..... Grateful for your advice.

That should be MOVED in.... not MOOD. Will try to change it....

Sorry that things are difficult, it sounds like a nightmare.

I'm not sure what you can do if the mum refuses to talk. That sounds childish. You need to find out whether this is a long term thing - then you can go about changing official things - or whether it is something that will blow over.

Regarding child support, if DSD is living with you, her mum should be paying YOU support, so possibly these would cancel each other out, as it would be stupid for you to pay them for DSS and them to pay you for DSD.

Sounds very complicated but you're going about it the right way. I know she's shutting down but the fact you can have a cordial situation makes it much easier. I would first of all talk to DSS as I'm sure this is a scary and confusing time so ensure she is involved in next steps so it's her call and she is empowered. I.e. do you want to make here your permanent home? But in an age appropriate way.

After that write a non judgemental letter setting out next steps. Something like:

Based on the change of circumstances we need to look at practicalities and would appreciate your insight and input as we move forward to ensure everyone is happy with the ongoing arrangement:
We propose moving the Dr's from surgery x to surgery y
Alerting the school
Approaching CMS for a renewed calculation.

Get your DH to be the one to send it.it might cause everything to kick off but equally if she doesn't respond you can move ahead knowing you've reached out and you will have a paper trail so no one can warp the narrative later on.