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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Partners son calls my son stupid everytime we see him.

23 replies

WhatToDoHmmm · 03/02/2020 16:57

My partners son is 6 soon and my boy is 5.
So for the last 6+ months his son has been calling my son stupid, everytime we see them. We see them every 2 weeks.

With the added 'I hate you, I'm going to put you in the bin and I wish you were dead', at least every 2 months.

His dad's way of approaching the situation is mostly just saying his name, when he says these things because he continues to say them after his dad will then say 'that's not nice/kind'.

It isn't being resolved, I mentioned it months ago (not to brutally and just that he needs to address it). But now told my partner in a more brutal way that I will not accept it. And mentioned how he needs to address it by telling him why ita not ok and that he will not tolerate it.

This is now bullying and I can't handle it, it's causing way to much stress.

I don't really know how to handle the situation on my behalf, like he's not my child I shouldn't be telling him off etc...

But I cannot have this going on anymore so I'm at a lose, and feeling that the relationship is really not going to work anymore.

OP posts:

WeHaveSnowdrops · 03/02/2020 16:59

Don't have anything to do with him until his father has dealt with the behaviour.

Northernsoullover · 03/02/2020 17:01

Stop seeing him when he has his child.

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/02/2020 17:02

I'm sorry but you really shouldn't let this continue, it's not fair on your DS.
LTB

Purpleartichoke · 03/02/2020 17:04

Just because the adults are forming a relationship, doesn’t mean the kids will successfully do so. I’m surprised you put your child in that situation repeatedly.

If you really want to try, I would stop visits with children for now. After some time, reintroduce them, but on neutral territory.

74NewStreet · 03/02/2020 17:05

Why have you let this go on for 6 months?? Your poor son. If your partner genuinely can’t see any harm in his child bullying yours / has no inclination to deal with it, I can only suggest you put your poor little 5 year old first and walk away.

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 03/02/2020 17:28

I know I'm a terrible mum for letting this go on 😭.

They can be lovely with each other.
At first it wasn't so often and I thought it was going to change within a few weeks.

I honestly thought it was sibling stuff and jelously and he'd move past it.

I alway make sure my sons ok and we have a one on one chat.(I know not really the point).

His son doesn't continuously say it when they're together, just a few times in a row at one point then not again.

I don't have another child so I don't really have anything to compare on how the ups and downs go. But I do know this has become 'not normal' and have put a stop to it

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/02/2020 17:38

You can't stop it.
Your DP won't stop it. I know a few people who won't parent their children, nothing will change.

ddraigygoch · 03/02/2020 19:03

What's the living situation? Does he love with you? How often do you and him have your respective children?

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 03/02/2020 19:18

We don't live together, I have my child 24/7, he has his child every other weekend.

On average we do a day out one of the weekends he has him and have a sleep over the next time he has him(so roughly once a month but sometimes less for the sleep over). So twice a month the boys ate together, at the very most.

OP posts:

ddraigygoch · 03/02/2020 19:37

So the answer is easy. You see him during the week and EOWE and you don't when he has his son. Tell him you don't want the boys mixing.

And this isn't sibling stuff. They're not siblings. Not even close. This is bullying.

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/02/2020 19:42

But the DP is never going to discipline his DC, so what is the point in continuing with this ?

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 03/02/2020 19:50

Yes that's very true, apparently his son does call mine 'his brother' but I've never actually heard this

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 03/02/2020 19:51

There is not point of this isn't going to end

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 03/02/2020 19:59

I'm fuming with myself, how could I let this happen. I feel like such a failure

OP posts:

HavelockVetinari · 03/02/2020 20:03

Don't beat yourself up about the past, work on changing the future. For the time being make sure they don't spend any time together and make sure your DP understands why. After a few months re-introduce them, but explain to your DP that you're relying on him to properly parent his DS and if that doesn't happen you can't spend time as a blended family.

VettiyaIruken · 03/02/2020 20:04

Don't continue to force your child to have to suffer this.

You need to not see this bloke when he has his child.

VettiyaIruken · 03/02/2020 20:05

And no, you're not a failure. You are going to change this. You would be a failure only if you did nothing

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/02/2020 20:07

Please don't feel like a failure. This is not your fault. It's him that's not disciplining his DS, that's his fault.

Now you know what you won't tolerate. I think teaching children about boundaries is one of the most important things you can do for them.

74NewStreet · 03/02/2020 20:09

Why told your dp’s child that your child was his brother? How very, very odd...

Original poster

WhatToDoHmmm · 03/02/2020 20:27

My dp's son called my son his brother

OP posts:

lunar1 · 03/02/2020 20:50

Don't beat yourself up over it, but don't let it happen again. Stop contact between them completely. The situation may resolve itself in 6/12 months.

Anuta77 · 04/02/2020 03:58

I would stop it too.
When my DP used to be with his ex#2, his son and her son were about that age and were constantly fighting, so they made sure that the boys didn't see each other. I think they didn't see each other for a couple of years, because one of them moved to another country too....They are now 19, my DP separated from ex#2 6 years ago and they still consider each other like brothers and see each other frequently. So sometimes these things do resolve. Same situation was with my dad and his step-brother, they had to be separated, but reconnected later. Hopefully it will work with you....
Don't feel horrible, sometimes when kids are nice, then suddenly say something that shocks us, we try to excuse it, it's only when it repeats that we realise looking back that it was unappropriate.

KundaliniRising · 06/02/2020 08:37

Put your ds first, his emotional and mental health will suffer if you dont.

If your dp is not willing to step up and sort out the bullying that his ds is doing then you simply do not spend time with him when he has his ds.

Step up and protect your child.

If your dp wants to see you when he has his son then he needs to deal with the abuslive behaviour and ensures that your ds is safe.

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