Maintenance payments

[AFigureOfSpeech]

Sorry I've posted in AIBU initially but forgot about the SP section so it could be better suited here!

My DH pays maintenance every month for his one DD with his ex. The contact had been 3 days with us 4 days with ex.

She changed jobs about 2 years ago now and works longer irregular hours.

Since about this time last year we've had DD 4 nights a week 9 times out of 10 and on the weeks we haven't, we usually pick up and do tea for ex to come at about 7pm to collect her from us.

We do everything on those days and it's even been us doing school runs on exes days occasionally to help with her work commitments etc...

My DH is self employed and is struggling a little at the moment with the work flow. He's thinking about reassessing or stopping maintenance if it carries on the way it is of us having DD 4 nights a week most of the time (it's about one in every 4 weeks that we'll have her 3 nights instead of 4 but has been purely down to exes discretion so far as in she asks us each week for the extra night).

We don't mind AT ALL having DD most of the time, there's no problem there and with his (and mine sometimes) work flexibility it's usually us that do school runs etc... Anyway.

WWYD? We don't want to be unfair and certainly don't want to cause upset as we get on with ex well and have always been as flexible as possible, myself included. But it does seem to be the case that we have been having DD for over 50% of the time for quite a while now so we aren't sure what is right. We've suggested before having DD officially with us for 4 days so it's a set routine for her but she (ex) gets upset at the suggestion so on paper she's still the RP. We're not bothered about CB payments or anything like that but it would really relieve some of the financial stress for him and I'm not sure that's unfair considering the amount we have DD?

Because I know it'll be asked, he pays £300 per month at the moment which was the calculation when he was having 3 nights a week along with 50% of school costs, activities etc... which he always pays without fail and always contributes to extras.

It's nothing to do with us having a baby and reducing money or anything like that (we don't have kids), just want to know what's fair especially now we are in a rough spot at the min.

Please go easy, I'm honestly not a wicked SM who wants to erase his ex! She's a perfectly nice woman! Just don't know what to do here.

We've suggested before having DD officially with us for 4 days so it's a set routine for her but she (ex) gets upset at the suggestion

But you are having the DD for 4 days so what is there for her to get upset about?? If she doesn’t want you to have the DD for 4 days a week, stop having her, go back to 3 days?

This is what I find difficult LetSeat. I don't know what it is but I think she just doesn't want it to be 'official' because she feels bad not having DD most of the time as her mum, but then still asks us anyway.

We don't want to say no because we don't mind at all having DD, love having her here.

Do you plan on stopping all Maintenance beyond 50% of uniforms etc or just reducing the £300?

Younnay Well find that financially she'll struggle with less so claws back the day to avoid this assuming she's now a one income household.

So I'd suggest talking to her. Because for example if you say it's 3 extra days a month, that's crudely say half the cost of a weekly shop that would be the child's portion over the month, sonreducing say by £30 would impact her but not as extensively as say going to 0 or £150.

If you are having her more than half the week then it should be official and you shouldn't be paying any maintenance, she needs to stop being defensive about it and accept the truth.

If she's worried more about being the "official" parent you could tell her she can keep the child benefit. As be also keep DSD registered at that address for school, etc.

But there's no way it's reasonable for you to be paying her £300 a month when you have the child at least half the time. I'd suggest your DP drops his ex an email and says as much, and gives her a month or twos notice.

Your DP needs to have a conversation with his ex - "You know we're happy to help out by having dd for the extra days - can you help out by informally agreeing to a reduced payment on those weeks? We're not looking to make any formal changes about where dd officially lives".

The problems arise when one person unilaterally decides to change the payments and comes up with a whole list of justifications, and the other parent is forced on the defensive. If both parties are flexible, it doesn't need to be like that.

So you’re actually having more nights than her? In that case strictly speaking you’d be able to ask her for maintenance. I think it’s totally reasonable and fair (not to mention also the legal position to stop maintenance where you’re having DD most or at the least half of the time.

Re ex being a “sole income household” sorry that’s not OP and her DP’s concern. Parents job is to support the child not the ex.

I agree with above poster if you’re having the girl more than the mum you can actually ask for maintenance.

It’s sad things need to come to that though as a child isn’t about money, end Of the day your partner gets to spend more time with his kid great! And money should not be an issue. I get things can be hard etc but I think leave things as there are there may come a time you can’t have her as much some months or weeks and the mum has to have her more it’s just give and take

Imagine a mother posting this and being told 'well you could ask for maintenance but it isn't about money, you get to spend time with your kid'...

Yeah. Can't see that happening.

You absolutely should ask for maintenance if you're doing most of the care. Just like any mother in this situation would also be told to do.

It’s sad things need to come to that though as a child isn’t about money
There’s the excuse for every scumbag in the land who won’t pay for the food their child eats, the clothes on their back and the roof over their head.

@HillAreas trust me I know lol I have this fight with my ex he think £30 per week for 2 boys is enough but I’m hoping in the future my boys will see I’ve worked hard to provide for them

@Londongirl07
Well obviously it is enough because “money should not be an issue”.
Or is it only an issue if a dad and SM need it to provide for the children? I don’t understand your comment at all.

When my son was little we were 50/50 due to me working shifts. My ex was very flexible in my changing shift work.

I would have never have expected to pay maintenance but he did pay half of school stuff and clothes.

@HillAreas do you have nothing better to do???

My statement simply said money shouldn’t be an issue when it comes to kids if you couldn’t comprehend that.

Regardless of who pays what when it comes to the kids money should not be an issue they’re not an income!!!

My kids father only pays £30 for both a week but I’m not going to fight it. if that’s what he thinks is sufficient then so be it. I will provide for them!

With the op if the mother was no longer around what would her partner do or what choice would he have? I’m not here bashing anyone if anything, I agreed they could ask for maintenance...

@Londongirl07
Do you have nothing better to do? You’re kicking about MN late at night just like me...
Kids aren’t an income, no. But they deserve to be adequately provided for by both parents.
OPs problem is they are paying money to a household for the children when the children won’t be in that household to benefit from it.
It’s a bit shitty to try to make out she’s trying to use the children for money 🤷‍♀️
If the mother wasn’t around the they wouldn’t have to be paying her money as well as finding it to provide for the children who are seemingly living with them the majority of the time.

OP hasn't even said they would be asking the mother for maintenance. Just that they are considering reassessing the maintenance paid to her. And damn right. Why should they pay £300 a month for the mother to live essentially? Because it's not all being spent on a child who's barely there is it?

LondonGirl, you said but I think leave things as there are.

Whether or not he should ask for maintenance from the mother, why do you think the dad in this scenario should continue paying the mother maintenance when he is looking after their child the majority of the time? Children aren't an income you say so therefore if works both ways, she doesn't need the money either then.

We were in this exact situation a few years ago.

Technically it was 3 days us and 4 days the ex. So the ex was claiming child benefit. But in reality we would often have DSC for weeks at a time and several weekends in a row. For example there were about three years in the trot where I counted and she only had DSC for 9 or 10 nights out of the whole six week summer holidays.

Eventually I said enough’s enough. DP agreed and told her he was stopping maintenance payments since he was to all intents and purposes the main carer for DSC. She tried to argue the toss, but all the extra days, weeks and weekends were all there in black and white in emails and text messages so she didn’t really have a leg to stand on. DH agreed that he wouldn’t claim CB and she could keep claiming it, even though he was entitled to.

I'm a mum, and i agree with you OP

If you want to keep her sweet though ( and i think thats important), you should reduce payments, not stop. But continue paying half of everything (as i believe they should)

I dont think some parents (mums or dads), pay half of uniforms etc, they think their maintenance payments cover it all.

Maintenance for me, is living costs only. extras - uniform, school dinners, clothes etc are what each parent should be stumping up too

Hopefully the ex is as keen to keep her child’s father and his partner sweet as they’re often doing the majority of childcare and she’ll realise she’s taking the piss getting any maintenance at all when she should really be paying it.

You shouldn’t be paying anything, you have her over the half the time. Leave her to claim the CB and offer to continue spitting other costs such as uniforms, school trips etc. I’m assuming your SD has clothes etc both houses so you just provide for what she needs there.
No being a wicked step mother about it, some
Mothers need to step up and pay for their own kids and stop expecting the children’s fathers to pay the lions share.