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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Holiday Advice

30 replies

SmartieTube123 · 31/01/2020 14:50

I'm after a bit of advice about Summer holidays. To set the context - I've been with DP for 3 years. We don't live together (I'd rather not for the meantime as I'd really like to focus on my DC - I work full time so time with them is quite limited). I have one DC (14) and partner has one DC (9). We have our children on opposite weekends, which isn't ideal as we get zero child-free time together, but that's the way it is. My partner has his DC every other weekend, and a few nights in the week for dinner.

My partner's DC has activities on every weekend (think sports). In fact they have so much on there is literally never time for them to do anything else. This has resulted in me actually not seeing his DC very much at all over the last few years. My DC hasn't either seen them either apart from on the odd occasion. Partner has very good relationship with mine.

DP has asked me and my DC to go on a week's holiday abroad in the Summer. I spoke to my DC and said they don't mind going, but said it may be a little weird as technically we don't know his DC very well, and after spending next to no time together, it may be a bit much them spending a solid week together.

I have brought this up with my partner as I don't want either child to feel uncomfortable, but he has said I'm being silly and the kids will be fine.

Am I being unreasonable? Obviously a holiday would be lovely but I don't want the kids feeling awkward...

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Gizlotsmum · 31/01/2020 15:00

Will they have their own rooms or be sharing? Would you be prepared to do stuff seperately if they need space from each other? Could you try a weekend away first?

Narcheska · 31/01/2020 15:01

Is there any chance to arrange for them to spend a bit more time together before the holiday? Also a week tighter on holiday might be great bonding time!!!

Are they the same gender?

I was 14 when my mum got engaged to a man I didn't know that well / handing spent that much time with his kids (4 boys under 7) she used to go and spend weekends with them and I'd just stay home or be at my dads or friends. We didn't move in until finished my gcse buy I was subjected to a "family" holiday in Cornwall! It wasn't that bad I actually had loads of fun

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 31/01/2020 15:08

I haven't thought as far ahead as rooms, but they are opposite sexes so it probably wouldn't be that appropriate for them to share?

We had a long weekend away (all 4 of us) about 2 years ago, but it didn't work out that well as his DC wanted to do specific things the whole time which only interested them, so me and my DC ended up doing our own thing most of the time, I hardly saw my DP the whole break!

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Pilot12 · 31/01/2020 15:11

I would stay in a hotel and get two separate rooms, one for you and your DC and one for DP and his DC. If you have never lived together or spent much time together it could be quite stressful all of you in an apartment or room for four 24/7. Also this will give both parties some space if needed.

Booboostwo · 31/01/2020 15:26

Doesn't sounds like a good way of testing things as no one will have a choice for a whole week far away from home but to suffer through it if it goes wrong. Your DC has already said he/she is not entirely happy about this, so I would listen to them.

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 31/01/2020 15:27

My DC is super laid back and happy to do pretty much anything, she just wondered if it might be a little odd as we don't really know DP's DC!

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wishingyouluck · 31/01/2020 15:32

I think a holiday is a nice way for them to get know one another. Holidays are usually relaxed and fun, so a nice time for them to get to know one another. Make sure both kids get a little breather and alone time with their parent maybe.

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 31/01/2020 15:39

I think a 14yo girl and 9yo boy aren’t going to be interested in spending much time together anyway. Those ages are worlds apart. I would agree to the holiday if the DCs had separate rooms and there was an understanding that your DD wouldn’t be forced into babysitting his son so you and he could be together, and that she wouldn’t be told off for wanting to spend time on her own or off marking her own friends.

Magda72 · 31/01/2020 15:43

Hi OP - I was with my exdp for 5 years. We did a few long weekends away together with his 3 & 2 of mine - all teens. These trips were ok but we tended to do things separately as both sets of kids were very different but dp & I thought that at least they might start getting used to each other. Last summer we went on a 10 day holiday with all 5, thinking that after the few shorter 'trial runs' it would be ok - it wasn't - it was a disaster. The kids refused to mix & while mine were great at meeting people going to the on-site clubs etc. his refused to go. I basically spent 10 days alone (give or take excursions with my guys) while exdp spent the entire holiday having to entertain his. We may as well not have gone together & I came home fed up (it wasn't a holiday I would have chosen myself - it was where exdp & his kids wanted to go) & he came back exhausted - he literally didn't get two minutes to himself.
Obviously your situation is a lot different but I would say that the two genders & the 5 year age gap will mean the kids will have very little in common. So if you do go I'd say be prepared to spend a lot of time alone or just you & your dd.
My exdp also got on great with my kids but he didn't factor in that his (nrp eow & some midweeks) kids had NO interest in spending time with me or my kids.

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 31/01/2020 15:56

I wouldn't trust my DC to babysit, she's in a world of her own most of the time! Plus not much fun for her on holiday.

I guess it could work, I'm just conscious of it feeling like being on a completely separate holiday to my DP - we get no time together so it would be a shame if we hardly saw each other when away!

I think my DP has forgotten how much of a disaster the long weekend away was

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Pilot12 · 31/01/2020 16:55

Surely if you went on a one week all inclusive holiday abroad, all four of you would enjoy a day around the pool together, or all of you would enjoy a trip to the beach or one of the many excursions on offer? Your DC might want to sunbathe and listen to music by the pool, the younger one might enjoy the kids club activities but you'd all be together. If you go all inclusive there won't be any arguments about food and where to eat out etc.

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 31/01/2020 20:34

@Pilot12 Yes that's probably right, it would be the easier option. DP's DS does tend to have a bit of a wobble if he doesn't get his own way with what he wants to do so DP usually gives in. I wouldn't want my DD to be bored out of her brain!

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JuanSheetIsPlenty · 31/01/2020 22:06

DP's DS does tend to have a bit of a wobble if he doesn't get his own way with what he wants to do so DP usually gives in.

That would be enough for me not to go on holiday with them tbh. It will happen and it will piss you and DD off and ruin the holiday that you’ve forked our for. Just takeDD away somewhere yourself and have the holiday you want.

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 31/01/2020 23:02

@JuanSheetIsPlenty That would be my ideal, me and DD having a holiday of our own but I can imagine my DP would be incredibly put out if I told him that's what we were going to do instead

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JuanSheetIsPlenty · 31/01/2020 23:08

You’re allowed to have a holiday alone with your child. It sounds like you really don’t want to have a joint holiday with them (and I wouldn’t either) but you feel you can’t be honest with him about that. I think you need to though. Otherwise you and DD will be miserable. And actually he and his son probably will be too because it will be stressful. I think this is where you need to be firm on how you feel and that it just isn’t something you will enjoy. Remind him that you’ve already tried it with the weekend away and it wasn’t fun

RUSU92 · 31/01/2020 23:17

I'm in a similar position. DP spends a lot of time with mine, but I don't see much of his DCs at all. Mainly because when we're all together, traditionally, his DCs have been treated favourably and mine end up pissed off! His are also quite clingy, so I don't actually get to see much of him when we're all together, barely get a word in and never get to sit near each other etc as his will climb on him and monopolise him.

We had a couple of not very successful holidays and vowed not to do it again, but this year we decided to give it another go and actually had a really nice time. We had a big enough property to all have our own space, he pulled his weight and made sure his DCs did too, which was a big change from previous holidays! And we even managed the odd cuddle and chat when the DCs spent a bit of down time in their own rooms etc.

With a 9 and 14 yo you may have to come up with some activities you'll all enjoy. We took games, art & craft stuff, a big whiteboard for playing pictionary etc and had a really fun time.

We have holidays just the two of us, then he'll take his DC away on their own, mine will go away with their dad etc, so everyone gets plenty of fun time but this was the only way I was going to be able to have a holiday with my DC so I'm glad I took the chance on trying it again!

We've kept it all so separate for many years that it does seem like a leap to now try and bring everyone together, but if we're going to stay together for the future, we do need to be able to bring everyone together sometimes for special occasions etc.

SandyY2K · 01/02/2020 00:33

Have you reminded him about the last holiday? Or has he developed amnesia conveniently.

As a pp said...a 14 yo girl and 9 yo are unlikely to have much to say to reack other, beyond 'hi'..especially as they barely know each other.

Perhaps you can do things your respective kids want separately, then meet up later to do something all 4 of you can do together.

Maybe a day trip together on one day..depending on the type of holiday it is.

Your DD sounds very sensible...thinking in advance.

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 01/02/2020 13:38

@SandyY2K Yes he seems to have developed amnesia about the last trip away! It was so awful that things were quite strained between me and DP when we got home.

My DD can be a moody teenage mare but she can also be pretty amazing - always thinking about other people and how they might be feeling so when she brought up DP's DS potentially feeling awkward I wasn't too surprised. It would very much be a case of me and DD doing most things together and the same for DP and his DS so I do kind of think what is the point in going away

We do eventually want to live together but I'm not sure how easy that transition is going to be seeing how we never see DP's son.

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user1493413286 · 01/02/2020 14:39

I think it’s a good idea to go away but perhaps set it up with the children before you go what the week will be like; such as plan activities that you’ll all do and work out how much of each individual child’s activities are ok to do so that they know what to expect

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/02/2020 09:43

Holiday time is precious and if you feel like you're not going to enjoy it then I wouldn't go if I were you.

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 02/02/2020 10:08

My DP seems to think this holiday is a done deal so I'm not sure how I could turn round and say to him I'd actually like to take my DD away, just me and her. I think he'd probably be quite upset!

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chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/02/2020 10:30

It's a tricky one. But maybe remind him of all the reasons why the last holiday all together wasn't a success?

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 02/02/2020 11:49

My DP seems to think this holiday is a done deal

Nothing is booked, right? In that case you just tell him you’ve been thinking and your not keen on the idea.

I think he'd probably be quite upset!

Are you really planning to conduct your relationship like this? Going along with whatever he wants so as not go upset him even when it means you and DD being really uncomfortable? Is he your priority? Or is DD and your relationship with her?

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 02/02/2020 13:34

Also, tell him you're upset that he's just assumed you'll go along with his plans!

Original poster

SmartieTube123 · 02/02/2020 13:36

No nothing is booked, although he's been looking.

My priority is definitely my daughter. She said she's happy to go along but was just a bit concerned about my DP's DS after the last disaster of a holiday (which I actually got blamed for by my DP!)

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