When does love come?

[bobby1455]

Is it normal to not "love" your step child? Does it come with time? Does it evolve?

that love not extending to such an integral part of my life as my children
I think you might have touched on the issue there. In my case, DSD doesn’t live with us and is here EOW, half the holidays plus ad hoc extras as and when.

She’s not “intergral” to our lives in the same way as if she lived here. Obviously all major decisions are made with her needs in mind too (where we live, what house, car we drive, holidays etc) but it’s not the everyday grind integral that many step fathers will experience, assuming the mother is the RP.
I’m quite certain I’d feel more strongly about DSD if she lived here, relied on me to parent her and so on. She would feel more like “mine” if that makes sense? As it is, she’s another woman’s child, and doesn’t require a mother’s love from me any more than I require her to love me.

I think what @HillAreas said is very honest and true of a lot of step parents who are partner to a NRP, but I also think that the argument that because the children are "integral" to their parents life, any partners must love them too, is a bit odd. I wouldn't go as far as to say I "love" any of the things that are important in my partner's life but not shared by both of us, like his hobbies, friends siblings, or parents. I just love him and support his love for all those things. I don't dislike any of them, but I would find it weird to be expected to love them as much as he does just because he does.

I have two SS and one SD and a son of my own. After 5 years of solely being SP before an actual partner I still dont love my step kids in anyway near that I love my son. I care about there wellbeing and I love to do things with them etc would never see them go without or upset but... if my partner and I broke up would I see the kids again..no. Would I miss them probably not. It's a odd relationship the step parent but I think as long as you include them and are friends/role model them love as a parent isn't required...

She would feel more like “mine” if that makes sense? As it is, she’s another woman’s child, and doesn’t require a mother’s love from me any more than I require her to love me.

I get what you mean, but I don’t love my husband’s niece or my new godchild with a mother’s love - I still love them though. I didn’t get that immediately burst of love I got when I gave birth (though many mothers don’t) but first fondness and then love developed as I got to know those children.

I guess I expressed the integral thing badly. I didn’t mean the day to day intertwining of DC’s lives with their parents - frankly, that can be as much frustrating and boring as amusing and love-inducing More that the overwhelming, sacrificial love and pride I feel for each of my children, as individuals, is something that informs who I am as a person so much that I can’t imagine sharing my life with a spouse who can’t share that (even to a lesser, less parental-love-type extent.)

I’m in a more unusual situation though, as my DC’s father died, so prioritising them by only taking a relationship forward when I met a man who loved them as well as me was a more obvious necessity. But the importance of love between SPs and SC is something I’ve felt strongly on for a long time - not just for the sake of the children but for the marriage too.

I don't love mine. They're someone else's children when all said and done, yes they're my husband's but that doesn't mean I have to love them.

@NotTheLangCleg

I feel like you do. It’s important for my marriage and for my own well-being.

I have had and will continue to need to make sacrifices for this child. I would resent it if I didn’t love him.

His well-being is integral to my husband’s happiness - for the rest of our lives.

He’s my family now, too so there is something primal in me that wants him to flourish.

I’m not his parent; it’s a completely different relationship. Much less pressure for me and I’m sure not the same as a child I’d given birth to or who depended upon me for their needs; but it’s still love.

And thank God I feel this way, because some days a teenager is hard to like!

I love mine but I met her when she was one. I think life would be very tough if I didn’t have strong feelings for her. A few years ago, in response to her pulling back, I started love bombing her. Every time she arrived I found a little moment to give her a hug and say how happy I was that she was there and we were going to have some lovely times together. This really worked on her and still does. Looking back I can see that this affirmation worked on me too. Maybe it’s worth a try.

Oh and I agree with all the posters who say that their love is not necessarily the same as parental love. My partner is definitely on another scale from me when it comes to loving his DD!

It comes if you don’t force it. And in the meanwhile you treat the child with kindness as well as yourself. And respect. But not use them as a way to please DH or piss DH off.

And thank God I feel this way, because some days a teenager is hard to like! preach, sister

I think if they have an involved mum, this changes the dynamics dramatically to what they would be if they didn’t have an involved mum.
I think many stepmums find it hard to love their stepchildren and have a loving parent-child relationship when the children’s mum is firmly in the picture.

You can be very fond of the child and love them in a different way like you’d love a best friend’s child. Thinking about it though, in some cases people probably actually love their best friend’s children more than their stepchildren.

2yrs in eldest and youngest SDC I really care about - close to love but not quite.Middle SDC is a very slow work in progress.

There are no rights or wrongs provided you are kind and care.

It won't come for the OP. Not even close. She's spoken horribly about her "spoilt brat" SS on another thread.

Never. Been in their life for nearly 10 years and don't feel the same love as I do for my own child. No where near it.

I don't "love" them in the same way as I do my own BUT I do know that I treat them the same as my own and would do anything to help or protect them.

My DP has his DC standard EOW. Do I love his children the way I love mine? No, not a chance. For a few reasons actually.

1. I am my children’s mother. I am not the mother of my DP’s DC.
2. Their mother is not supportive of my DP’s contact let alone my role in their lives and that shows up in how the children behave (they are conflicted when around me) which in turn has meant I have had to completely adjust how I behave.
3. The above has meant that I have stepped back hugely from contact as I understand that they need as much 121 time with their dad, because they don’t act with him the way they do when I’m there. So in that way I think I do love them because I am absolutely of the view that that their needs are paramount and their contact time is precious. Over and above what I may want.
4. All of the above has meant that I care for them. I support my DP resolutely in all he needs to do to maximise his contact time with them. But if I don’t see them for weeks or months, I’m not remotely bothered. My life doesn’t change either which way, because as long as I know they’re happy, that makes my DP happy and then I’m happy.

This view that stepparents should whole heartedly love their stepchildren and treat all children equally is deeply misguided and in fact completely misses how complex step parenting can be.

If I didn’t see my children for a week I would miss them deeply and it would impact me huge amounts. My children feel the same about me. My love for them is unique and is not a bond being interfered with. If I was devastated to not see my DP’s DC (irrespective of whether they actually felt the same about me), how is that love? I’m putting my needs above theirs and disguising it as ‘love?’. Total rubbish.

The best thing I ever did was to detach from his children, depersonalise their rejecting behaviours (because they were under immense conflict) and so when I do see them, I am warm and welcoming and consistent, regardless of what has happened in the past. I treat them the way I would treat any other child coming into my home. And because of our situation with their mother, it is the most appropriate way for me to handle this.

I absolutely treat them differently to how I treat mine. If I showered his DC with hugs and kisses the way I do with mine, they would physically recoil. So I never do that, it’s not what they want.

I’ll always eventually get a hug and a kiss from them, but only when it’s spontaneous and from them. If it happens, it’s lovely. But if it doesn’t, I genuinely don’t take it personally either which way.

I am very lucky in that I had an absolutely fantastic stepmother myself from the age of 7 (and unluckily a terrible mother) and I model my own step parenting on her. I often think "what would Ann have done? “. She wasn't maternal at all and was childless herself, but she was inspirational, hard working, cultured, open, and just gave the best hugs. Every interest I have in my adult life was modelled by her. She never overstepped into" mum"(something I find hard sometimes).
My own step children are here every weekend and 70‰ of all holidays, so are very much a part of our home. I am fiercely protective of them and love them in an extension-of-my-DH way, but it's different to biological child love. I'm the sole earner as my DH is disabled after an accident, and I provide for them as if they were mine(if not more so as they don't have much at home). We have a lot of fun and we do loads of activities and sports and crafts together.

I feel that,
I've been involved with my dsc for 5 years and struggle every time with the love issue.
If I'm honest I dont love them, their DM is impossible to deal with, the kids constantly repeat that DM has said I'm not their step mum or family (although I'm married to their DF). I find that knowing and dealing with such a difficult DM and having to deal with so much hurt has meant im very guarded around the children and find them very difficult to be around.
I strive to be kind and caring when they are with us, but also tend to keep myself busy as I find it very difficult to br around them and it regularly stresses me out so much I become ill.

I dont have a stepchild, but i find it weird that you dont love your stepchild after 2 years tbh. I say that because i think about my niece for example or my friends children and i can honestly say that i love them. Simply because i love their parents and they are family. I dont love everything they do of course and i get upset with them at times (just like with my own children), but they are in my heart and i care for them deeply.

I dont have a stepchild

Ok. So then why are you posting? I genuinely cannot comprehend why people who are not step parents are coming and giving step parents advice.

I presume the nieces and nephews / friends children have zero conflict between you and the parents? Also because you are not with one of the children’s parents, the children themselves are not jealous of you/ view you as a threat?

When you are with a person who has children with someone else (other than you), it is a whole different board game.

I'm commenting because you asked for your other thread to be deleted.

Firstly, as I said on the other thread, firstly you need to not resent the child.
You need to come to terms with the fact that child is a part of your life.

However here's my actual helpful advice:
Do you do fun things with him? I don't mean playing PlayStation. I mean taking him to a fun fair or something slightly out of his comfort zone - ice skating or something - where he'll lean on your for support.

Maybe he needs to learn that experiences are more important than things. Get your DP on board with this. Make it clear to him that you need this to help you bond with the child.
You don't need to love him but you need to learn to like him.

Oh and I have the most wonderful SM. She's been in my life since I was 5 and she told me a couple of years ago that she sees me as another daughter, in a way that she doesn't with my siblings.

I was super young and moved in with her and DF full time though so it was a really vulnerable time in my life and she was my rock.

I have two DSD, aged 14 and 16.

I’ve been in their life for ten years. I’ve tried, I really have but after numerous incidents of it being thrown back in my face, I’ve disengaged.

I’m polite and not unkind but I don’t love them, never have and doubt I will now.

If DH and I ever split up I wouldn’t see either of them again and I’d be fine with that.

I don't love my step child. Never have and never will. I don't give it a second thought. She has two parents who love her so I'm in no conflict. I think of her probably as like a school teacher thinks of a child in her class. We are able to talk and get along, but when she goes home I relax and breath a sigh of relief.

2 years is a short space of time when you see someone on a non regular basis.

Different personalities - My SDCs are all teens - like anyone in life you click in a different way with each.Eldest was a dream - she got it, she is old enough to articulate and a genuinely kind caring person. Middle DC - OMG we are working on it. Some weeks fab and other weeks I am the devil incarnate before I even say hello when she walks through the door. Youngest SDC, quiet withdrawn little bit angry with my DCs - same sex so not longer the only boy. i am now the aunty he tells stuff to that he can not tell his parents! I really enjoy this relationship - the fun of a child without the responsibility.

Love is such a hard thing to describe when barriers are in place due to circumstance.