I used to feel very annoyed with one of my good friends and his family about his child’s birth mother. That woman is mental. Literally: someone who is compulsive liar and constantly living on the edge of nervous breakdown.
I used to think that they are tiptoeing around her and she gets undeserved attention and care and benefits from whole family. She is never nice to anyone of them. They all happened to mention during the conversations that she is mentally unstable, difficult to deal, selfish and not-considering person throughout. I really struggled to understand why they are not rejecting her and why they forgive her all the time; year after year? Why she gets Christmas cards and is invited to their house for tea once in a moths. She is really no-one for that family, just someone who, as result of her lying habit, got pregnant during at very early stage of dating (literally second /and the last date) and always been referred as “his biggest mistake” and “his schoolboy error”. Never his ex or his previous girlfriend. Those two never got even close to this. So why?
Not long time ago I attended to a lecture on mental illnesses. The lecturer described how to deal with people with personality disorder. Really, there is no point to try to reason with them. They are disabled and they are not capable for interpreting the reality as we do. They are living in a different world. All you can do is just hover around this person. Find suitable distance that isn’t too far to keep eye on them and not too close to be affected by this person and try not to trigger that person. You won’t expect a child with mental illness to act sensible, will you? You forgive and forget and will move on because that troubled person can not help herself/himself. Grown ups are not different. There is no point to talk about fairness. Fairness don't exist when disability comes into this equation.
Listening that lecture I suddenly felt a huge relief and understanding what that poor family must go through when dealing with her. They chose act friendly and keep contact with her because that is only way to notice early enough if she is going off the rails again. Yes, one of the family members was naive enough to fall into her trap/lies and now there is a little human who needs to grow up with minimal damages. And end of the day, that child is growing and soon will be a teenager who will not put up with a mum who is constantly hysterical. That child will be old enough to distance herself and whole family can distance themselves with her. These 10-14 years isn’t too long compared with a chance that the child will grow up as damaged as her mother is, and then that family is draped with two mentally unfit people for their lifetime; One they never wanted to their lives in the first place and second one they have responsibility to deal with because of the blood connections.
Today, this little human is fairly balance and lovable and brings joy to his family. And only because dads family was wise enough to realise; you can not treat mentally unstable person equally. You have to make adjustments and must keep in mind: she is not capable for normal life and normal human interactions. She needs special treatment because she is disabled.
Remember- Not every disability is visible.
I hope, realising that will help those new wives and new partners who are struggling with mentally unfit BM or exW being constantly treated differently. When you are struggling because it feels so unfair (it is unfair, I know) Think before you react - would you be annoyed if this woman happens to be in a wheelchair? Or blind? Or with one arm only? You probably won’t feel so annoyed.
Not every disability is visible. Mental illness is disability too.
What if we don't look at them as someone who just wants to cause trouble? No someone who gets undeserved privileges. What if instead of that we will start thinking: "they can not help themselves". They have this mental-emotional disability?
I found my inner peace when I changed my view point. Maybe it will help you too?