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Step-parenting

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Inconsiderate SD

12 replies

Uuugh · 25/01/2020 14:56

My SD came to live with me and her father from another country. He left her mom when she was about 6/7 but always paid then divorced her mom when she was almost 15 because he wanted to marry me. She was extremely resentful and from 15-20 she hardly spoke to him and was very angry (understandably). I actively encouraged him to keep trying with her and eventually she started to come around and decided to come live and study here. She has a step sister (didn't grow up together) and they're close. I suggested she come too for support, she's 28. Husband agreed to support his daughter re food etc but she works part time for extras. But he ended up supporting her sister as well who also works p/t because she was paying me each week for a loan I made to her to pay for school. The part time job the sister has means he has to pick her up 4 nights a week between 11pm-midnight so I go to bed alone. He gets up at 6am. The job was meant to be temporary until they found something closer (it's a 20-25 minute drive away). He used to have dinner with me each night, we had our weekends together and were a very close couple. Now I eat alone each night as I get up at 5am I don't want to wait to eat with them at 9pm. He decided to join the gym so I miss that time too. My SD lies and manipulates (guilting him) if she doesn't like and of our rules like bedroom window needs to be opened each day, we need at least an hours notice for the late night pick up, she hardly does anything to help at home but does keep her room clean and washes her own clothes. He cooks 80-90% of the time, both girls get to travel when they want (always during the week). I can't have a weekend away or even go for a drink with my husband because of picking up from work. They don't even try to get a different job, there was "confusion" about what was owed from sister. I was smart enough to keep proof luckily because they were trying to get out of paying. I'm stressed, my husband is afraid to talk to her about anything and throws me under the bus each time there's a problem. I pay the mortgage as the house was mine before we married but he pays electric and food so the only thing they're costing me is my sanity and my marriage. At this stage I've told him as they're not considering me at all they can go. He's, obviously, not considering our marriage at all either as his response was that he'll go too. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 25/01/2020 15:07

You're not unreasonable to suggest a change as picking her up so late is not great when he gets up early for work. Can she drive?

lunar1 · 25/01/2020 17:04

Does she have additional needs? Is there a particular reason she can't just ger herself to work?

Uuugh · 25/01/2020 17:33

No, she can't drive but her work is a kitchen Porter so... Plenty of restaurants that are open during the times the bus runs... Just doesn't seem to be bothered and so he drives over 200km a week because he doesn't like confrontation. It's not even confrontation, just a conversation that's what really upsets me. I just miss my time with him 😢

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/01/2020 17:40

That's absolutely crazy! I'm not surprised you are annoyed. I could understand if she needed assistance, but this isn't on with no additional factors.

MeridianB · 25/01/2020 19:15

So your DH’s daughter is 20 and his SD is 28? Do they work in the same place? If there is public transport can you suggest he stops the lifts?

Is your husband’s relationship with his daughter improving as a result of her living with you?

It sounds like really hard work for you and something needs to change. They both sound immature and need to have their expectations adjusted if they are to stay. Trying to cheat you on a loan is very low.

Uuugh · 25/01/2020 22:06

What's worse is it was him they tried to gip on the loan and he wasn't going to say anything about it - "to keep the peace". It makes me lose respect for my husband that he won't stand up for himself but he thinks I'm just being petty and I need to let him make his own decisions. In general I agree with that but not when it means I'm watching someone take advantage of his kindness...

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 26/01/2020 07:55

Just kick them out..he can go too.

PityParty4one · 26/01/2020 08:13

I am a bit confused maybe it's too early for me Grin

Who is the 28 to mum and why did you loan her money for school?

The 20 yo doesn't sound disrespectful tbh. She cleans her own room does her own washing and by the sounds of it is barely around. As for the window comment...really that just sounds petty on your part.
You sound resentful and I do understand why.
For many years you had your DH all to yourself but now he is doing things for his DD and that changes the dynamics. Maybe he feels guilty for not being around in her younger years.

You say you used to eat together but now dont as DH chooses to eat at 9pm. That's his choice and not SD fault.
Hes joined a gym. His choice not SDs fault.
He could tell SD to get a taxi or organise a lift if he had plans with you. He is choosing not to.

I think you need to stop blaming the SD and start looking at the bigger picture. He is choosing to do all these things for her.

Uuugh · 26/01/2020 09:00

I agree, it's him that's not considering me. But the window thing is because where we live is damp and windows need to be opened for a few hours each day to air out the house. But definitely, my problem is more with him then them. 28 year old is his ex's daughter.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 26/01/2020 13:37

He's, obviously, not considering our marriage at all either as his response was that he'll go too.

If that is his honest opinion and not a knee jerk reaction I would tell him to go.

He’s not putting any effort into your marriage and was willing to let his daughter steal money off you to keep the peace. He doesn’t care about how you are feeling or your needs and expects you to just live pretty much alone whilst you put a roof over his head.

It doesn’t sound like a happy marriage for you and you deserve to be happy.

Appy21 · 27/01/2020 13:20

God, I'm actually laughing at the thought of my dad's reaction if I asked him to pick me up from work at midnight all the time at 28 years old.

There's no way I would even contemplate asking that, I was living alone, with a family and sorting my own shit out at that age as most 28 year olds do I imagine.

I'd leave if this were me. Your husband doesn't need to ferry around adults all the time but if he doesn't want to change this, there's not much you can do.

Namechangers87171717 · 27/01/2020 13:24

My stepson (17) gets a taxi home from work if he works the late shift or walks, my husband and when he’s at his mum’s, both get up early for work themselves.
We’ve two small children - he would never ever expect us to pick him at that time of the night.

She needs to get a different job that she can sustain or make her own way back from work.

I was married with a mortgage and a baby at 28!! She needs to grow up

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