How to cope with step-sons poor relationship with my own son

[Carter7654]

Am really struggling with my stepsons at present who are both nearly 14 and 12 respectively. I have been involved since they were 6 and 8 and my husband and I now have two children together who have just turned three and four months.

I’ve tried my best with these boys but if I’m honest have always found it challenging taking on someone else’s kids. However since I’ve had children of my own this has become more of a challenge because I don’t feel they have a very good impact on my own children. Both of them aren’t ur average children. The oldest has been diagnosed with Aspergers,
Adhd, oppositional behaviour disorder and Tourette’s but funnily enough because he has been assessed and
On medication now I actually find him easier to deal with than his brother who has similar traits minus the diagnosis and acts really
Immature for his age. The younger one as well seems to Be very jealous of my toddler and competes with him constantly for instance fighting over a toy or bit of food which grates on my nerves as there is such a big age gap. He doesn’t appreciate personal space and is continually getting in my sons face and touching him when he doesn’t want him to which makes his agitated and react badly back which makes me agitated. I don’t like feeling like this but I just don’t like him being around my son and he has started behaving in a similar fashion to my youngest now which I’m just not prepared to tolerate this time round but means that I’m continually on edge and picking him up on it when he’s around him which is draining. The way I have been dealing with it lately is by just trying to keep my youngest two away from the oldest two as much as I can by generally taking them out but since I’ve had the baby this is quite hard work in itself and I feel a bit segregated from my husband and a bit driven from the house. We have the kids half the week but it’s causing a real strain which is carrying over in to the time we don’t have them. I’m starting to wonder whether I should continual to deal with it and also whether it’s in the best interests of my children as well but there’s no easy option as if I leave my husband I’d have to struggle as a single parent and would be affected financially as well.

The older kids are challenging because they have disabilities and are teenagers, so are going through puberty.

You need to find out how other people e.g. teachers, relations, family friends deal with their disabilities as every one on the autistic spectrum is different. Then talk to your husband about how disabilities are causing their younger brothers distress and things you could try to alleviate it.

Can I suggest you do some research into autism and how to parent children with it
And fyi you can't catch adhd or autism but if both of your stepson have them there's a very good chance 1 or both of your DC will have inherited adhd and or asd. Just something to think about.

U know the one thing I have noticed about this site is it is supposed to be a support group but if u r a stepmother u get anything but support. I don’t know if u r a step mum but a lot of step mums go through a lot of challenges that most parents don’t face and it is really hard and I have a conflict of supporting my husband with his children from a previous marriage and also wanting my own children to not be surrounded by people that are a poor influence on them. And also u don’t have to treat me like I’m stupid saying those disorders aren’t catching and presume I don’t know anything about those disorders. U can understand them all u want but it’s still really hard to live with and it’s just a bit out of order to say oh and by the way ur own children have a good chance of inheriting one of those conditions too. Maybe it’s true but it’s just not nice to point it out, learn some manners

I am very aware of how hard it is to live with these conditions I have asd and a child with asd and adhd.
My comment has nothing to do with your being a stepmother and everything to with the tone of your post it comes across as very ill informed and a bit disabilist.
Though I can be a bit over sensitive about it

Well you just come across as downright rude and also I don’t know how you can say I’m ill informed. All I said is that I find it difficult to live with and don’t like the impact on my children which is true, but doesn’t mean I don’t know or understand about the condition. I could know all I could know about rapists or murderers, it doesn’t mean that I would find it easy to live with one

Well knowing all you know, y did u have 2 kids with a man who already has 2 kids half of the week u can’t deal with?

Easy saying things like not wanting your DC to be around bad influences when talking about your step DC is disgusting.
Have you ever considered how difficult it is for your step sons?
The emotional upheaval of their parents splitting up, the massive change to routine that will have come with it will have been even more difficult for them due to the asd, then you are introduced (not bashing or faulting you or your dh) more change and emotional upheaval, then you and dh moving in together (again not faulting) more change, then you have a baby massive change and now another baby.
Ofcourse the boys are struggling to deal with this in such a short time period (yes 6+ years may seem a long time to you but trust me when I say that they willstillbe processing all of this) add puberty and they are being treated like a threat by you .

All of the above is why I said I'll informed and suggested that you learn about asd and how to parent children with it. Also pointing out that this could help with your own dc and highlighting the genetic risk to your own DC is not nasty.
How would you feel if your DC were being spoken about the way you are talking about your step sons?

@WwfLeopard
That's uncalled for

Well I’m sorry but these boys have done things at my sons expense like make a video of them teaching him swear words when he was less than two years old which they posted on a social media site. I’m sure they knew it was wrong and can’t just be excused by their conditions and besides it begs the question should I allow my sons to be exposed to things like that. Yes I took The stepsons on but it’s hard to predict how things are going to be in the future. I had good intentions and do despite everything have a fairly good relationship with them but I do feel like my sons welfare has to be my number one priority

You're absolutely correct the video incident has nothing to do with asd but may be part of the adhd ie not thinking about the consequences of their actions however it also sounds like typical 11 and 13 year old boys. Actually I take that back its pretty tame going by some of the threads on teenagers ect.
I understand that your DC are your priority but that can not be at the detriment of your step sons.
You need appropriate boundaries that are well thought out preferably with professional help. If your in Scotland I can give you the names of some great free counselling services and parents support groups who can help you do this.
You need to talk to your dh about this but you can't ostracize (sp) your step sons it will only make things a thousand times worse

If you split up with your husband surely he will get access to all his children together at some times. So your step sons will still be able to interact with your bio kids, just without you there.
Teaching a 2 year old swear words is pretty tame bad behaviour from your step sons. Surely just needs appropriate consequences and to move on.
Poor lads sound like they have a lot to deal with, being neuro diverse can be incredibly lonely and frustrating at times.

I really feel for you here - it is hard juggling older kids and younger kids, never mind those with additional needs that require support. Is there an intention or plan to get the younger one assessed? It sounds as if this has helped his brother, so could be something to consider if both of his parents are supportive of this.

We also have a blended family with a teenage DSD and toddler DD, and another baby on the way. Some things that help and work for us are:

• Ensuring DSD has 121 time with me and her Dad, and we continue to plan and organise activities that she will enjoy, as well as ‘toddler friendly’ ones
• Clear and consistent expectations for behaviour for everyone - e.g. in your household this might be about respecting personal space, or use of certain language
• Reminding the older ones that the younger ones look up to them as role models
• Deciding what to let go - being a teenager is hard especially with ASD - maybe try to figure out which behaviours are really bothering you and agree a plan with your husband to address these, and which is whilst annoying are typical teenage stuff to let go. Nagging less does help everyone feel calmer

Good luck x

It's okay to find it hard to cope...just because they have those conditions, doesn't make you disablist as has been said.

Making videos where you teach a toddler to swear is not normal behaviour...I'm not sure what kind of kids ppl have to think this is normal.

No wonder there are so many tearaways with this way of thinking.

Have you read the explosive child?

If not do I suggest your and your DH do.It might help reset your thinking slightly and help with redesigning your boundaries and parenting techniques.

We are in a different scenario in that it is our joint DD who has if truth be told had a negative impact on our older children to a certain extent. They are the ones who have had to learn to make allowances for her.

Her behaviour and management of it though is very difficult on them. My dd has very poor awareness of personal space. It doesnt exsist to her! It drives my older dd mad and she can struggle alot with it.

The difference is she is the joint child of our blended family so it's not like dh or I can disengage from her or our respective older children.

It is very important in our family that we try to spend time with all the children individually and do things together that we think she will be able to cope with if. If we dont think she will be able to she doesnt come and we will spend some time focusing on the older two.

The two that live at home have very defined personal space that they can go to if needs be.

You also have a very large age gap so parenting of such small children to older teens. That brings it's own challenges. You have to be understanding of the fact that just because they are so much older doesnt mean they are a 100 % fully raised and always know and act 100 % correctly as you see it.

It is much easier to be tolerant of smaller children in general.

Sorry if I missed it, OP but do they live with you?

How much time does your DH spend with them, either just the three of them or him and one of the older boys?

Well I’m sorry but these boys have done things at my sons expense like make a video of them teaching him swear words when he was less than two years old which they posted on a social media site.

^^ This is outrageous. What were the consequences?