Clear MH issues but still sick of it

[OhNoNotMonday]

DSS 15 has now moved in with us. It has been a horrendous 4/5 weeks and feel relief that he has made the jump. I am trying to encourage him to maintain contact with his mom but I am worried I may be half hearted in it really and don't want this to impact long term.

His mom clearly has mental health issues. His Dsis had her 1st Baby in Dec, we were are at the hospital (Me and DH took her and her partner, mom went with DSS and partners mom). Plan was that DSD & partner would be on own in room for actual birth but she wanted everyone to be around, was contracting from Thursday so by this time we thought she was quite close.

As we got into the hosp DSD had contraction (were every 3 mins at this stage) dropped to her knees and as everyone rushed to her she screamed not to be touched. Mom flipped at her and stormed off, I tried calling her bak but she refused, swearing etc.

There were complications and things not going well, mom kept coming into room and having a go at her making her cry and shouting at midwives - got banned from delivery suite. Then kept barging in when as people were coming in door, 1 time they were trying to fit catheter and she barged in shouting. Got banned from hosp in the end.

DSD had baby Sat by emergency C-Sect, was very poorly and transferred to diff hospital, DSD had to go bak into surgery again as more complications - now I know it must have been so hard for mom to not be allowed to be with DSD so I guess some of the behaviour was due to that.

DSD got transferred to be with baby 2 days later, was in NICU and very poorly, we were warned we may lose him. Managed to sort so that mom could go and see him one of the days as she still hadn't seen DSD or Gbaby at this stage, he was very bad the night before with seizures, when DSD called her to warn her how bad he was she said"I will just leave you with it today".

She has slagged everyone off saying she has been kept from them, she has been vile to DSD telling her that she caused the problems just to keep her away, ranting about DSD being a druggy and causing LO brain damage etc. DSD is now NC and devastated.

DSS has witnessed behaviour, seen the vile posts that she has been putting and when he arranged to go home she ended up screaming at him, refusing to by a cream he needed as she ha no money and then posted bottle of gin she had got herself that night on FB. He ended up phoning us crying asking us to go to get him as she kept grabbing at his wrists and screaming in his face.

She has been arrested several times in past when DSS has been at home and at ours so he knows this is just not a one off so he has now decided to live with us.

He is angry for his DSIS and DN and he is clearly struggling because he is constantly wanting hugs and wants us to go in an sit with him when he goes to bed for a bit, I am heartbroken for DSD and DSS.

I am trying really hard not to say anything negative about mom and explain that she can't help her behaviour as I believe that she clearly has severe MH issues because how she is acting is not normal but she just can't see it.

After another week of begging nice messages 1 minute and then absolute rant of vile hatred the next I am getting very sick of it all, she is blocked on my phone but clearly can't block her on DS's or Dh's incase something happens and we need to let her know. DS is daily bringing messages in which she is vile to him and it is getting to the point where i just can no longer defend her but i worry if he goes NC how will this then impact on him when he is older, I worry if he doesn't maintain contact then he will find it harder in the long run.

At a loss now for best way to proceed want to do whats best for DSS but don't know what that is anymore.

MH issues or not, a child is not equipped to deal with a mentally ill person. Especially one that gets physically abusive. I would be encouraging DSS to go NO CONTACT with his mum. I would be frank about her being unstable and unsafe to be around him. You can give her benefit of the doubt and say it’s bad MH and not completely her fault she is this way BUT because she is a danger to him it is best if he stays with you until if/when she has better MH.

Please encourage your SS to block her on his phone. Please protect him. I'd be asking his father to step in as he's the parent.

It's easier to prevent trauma than mend trauma.

Your DH should be the one to filter messages.

It's not forever, just until everyone is a bit stronger and DSS mother is a bit more stable.

It's easier to prevent trauma than mend trauma.

This is exactly it. DSS mum is abusive and likely alcohol dependent if she is buying gin instead of medicine for her son. You need to safe guard DSS from her. That means blocking her from his phone.
She can contact your DH if need be.
Your DH should go get a court order and make sure she can only get supervised access to DSS.
It doesn’t matter why she is abusive when a child is involved, you keep the child safe and then hope she addresses her MH problems.

I'd encourage him to block his mums number and social media from his phone. Ex can always get in touch through your DH if necessary.

I'd be asking his father to step in as he's the parent. He does and he is, he took talked to her in person at the weekend consoling her and trying to encourage her to get help - she agreed and agreed DSS is better off with us but then next day started ranting at him again, posting on FB how he was a shit dad and was refusing to pay maintenance - he paid her in Dec and it wasn't due again until end of Jan - not true at all. He went Wed with DSS to collect rest of his stuff and mom was already drinking and DSS said she was stoned.

Her partner has been messaging me but I have blocked him as he has been with her for about 2 years and very instrumental in her arrests and drinking and was just basically saying "i should shut my mouth and stop point scoring and think of the kids". I do not know him and have literally said nothing negative about her to either of the kids.

I think I was just worried about being judged about encouraging him not to have anything to do with mom, especially by him in later life but actually maybe it is better if I can get him to just block her, even if for a little while.

It's easier to prevent trauma than mend trauma. I think he is already suffering, he keeps wanting us to hug him all the time and putting his head in my lap when we are on sofa, he is currently trying to get ready for his mocks and should just be able to focus on that and instead he has all this to deal with so maybe blocking is best.

I am wondering if it is MH issues or alcohol and drug abuse issues. Those kids need to be safely far away from Mum and her verbal/text abuse and your DH needs to stop all contact including payment. This means formalizing everything legally ASAP. Keep copies of the messages for evidence.

maybe it is better if I can get him to just block her, even if for a little while

Personally I would leave that conversation to his dad.

Sounds like you are a brilliant step parent to the children OP, lovely to see how much you care and are helping.

You sound really lovely, nothing helpful to add but your stepson sounds lucky to have such great support and it sounds like HE feels you support him too.

Sorry it has been a long weekend of firefighting again. DSS has now blocked her from all social media and mom cancelled his phone so he has new number which she doesn't have so can't text him anyway.

Seems she ramped up hate campaign against dsd and the baby instead, her sister called DH to tell him that her and her mom have had to block her from everything also. Not sure what is going on now and don't really care anymore but thank you all for your advice, much appreciated.