How do we dealmeith Dss' mother

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DSS is 15. He lives with us. His choice.
He moved to ours in July 2018 and has settled really well. I'm posting this on behalf of DH before anyone makes comments such as I shouldn't be involved etc.

DS mum has been difficult for years towards DH. He has been to court for access numerous times and the cafcass report for the last court hearing was really crtical of her behaviour and accused her of trying to alienate DH and DSS. Anyway you get the picture.

Her and DSS were not getting on at all and he was getting into lots of trouble at school - lots of detentions- 3 in one day. Basically a downward spiral.

She initially agreed to him living with us as he was a 'nightmare'. She was happy with the arrangement until the maintenance stopped and then she started being difficult.

She refuses to communicate with DH and has blocked his number. All communication has to go through DSS which is just awful and does his head in.

He had been seeing her every week, a swap of when we used to see him. At the end of October she kicked off over his trainers that she had bought him as a birthday present. She was refusing to allow him to wear them whilst at our house. We've always been relaxed about stuff like that. It's his stuff!!
Dss called her out on how ridiculous it was and it all kicked off and culminated in him physically kicking him out nof her house.

He has not heard from her since other than one text. She was meant to have him over Christmas but he didn't hear a thing about making arrangements so it didn't happen. She then sent a message on 2nd Jan asking him how his Christmas was.

Poor DSS is putting a brave face on it but I can tell he's upset.

DH is worried about the effect on DSS in what is an important year for him at school.

What on earth can we do?

Dss doesn't want to make the first move as he is still upset with her.

DSS is in the process of discovering and processing just how nasty and stupid a person his DM is. That’s always going to be a painful thing. Your mums your mum, no matter what she’s done.

Maybe some form of counselling would be helpful? Better out than in, and with the best will in the world, you and DH would struggle to be neutral ears after all the woman’s put you through.
Slight aside, but if she’s pissy that maintenance stopped (LMAO that she thought it would continue when her DS didn’t live with her) then am I right in guessing that she’s not paying maintenance? If so and DSS know it, that’s going to hurt as well. My DH never quite forgave his dad for not paying for him when he was a child, until his DGM found out and started swinging her handbag.

Counselling. Immediately. This is an immense trauma for him. The one person who shouldn’t abandon a child (mother) has. That has immense mental and emotional ramifications.

I would also (if he isn’t already) get him really involved into a group activity (sports/ music/ drama) that allows him to be immersed and build a trusted network of his own. Some great mentors can be found who can help the children.

Other than that, just remind kind, firm, consistent and tell him (and tell him again) just how loved he is. He cannot hear that enough.

I echo the above - counselling is essential and more as they get older than younger .
My youngest has been seeing a counsellor at school ( love that woman) since his DF went off with OW. He has now left that school but as he hits the teen years he needs her more and I pay privately for him to see the same woman.
He gets his DF pays 3.5 times the maintenance for his half brother ( now split from the OW) than he does for him and his brother.
He gets his DF now takes his youngest brother to the sport that he and DB have done for the last 5 years and which their father neither pays for and has been to - 5 matches in total.
DF spends an hour with him and DB on Xmas Day and the rest of the time with youngest brother.
DF takes youngest brother on holiday and not him and his DB.

I do not know what they talk about but he says it helps and the rage is controlled. I think my Ex benefits more than I do because DC does not rage at him - just calls him a sad fat pathetic wanker!

Counselling- he is lucky to have you both looking out for him. He needs a safe place to off load.

She sounds like a crap mum. The trainers thing is barking. Thank goodness he's got some stability with you now. It sounds like he's in the right place, but agree must be traumatic for him so counselling might be a good idea.

DSS moved in with us full time aged 17 as his relationship with his mum had broken down. We focused mainly on trying to make our home with him a happy one, listened to his opinions on things (which had been an issue at his mum's as she just told him he was wrong on everything) and tried to shield him from as much of the rejection as we could when his mum made endless excuses why she didn't want to see him. We didn't make a big deal about it and tried as much as possible not to slag his mum off. Ie to leave the option open for a better relationship in the future. I don't think suggesting counseling would have gone down well in our case as it would have made it much more of a "thing" iyswim. We tried to normalise him living with us and not make a big thing of his non-relationship with his mum. I know what your mean about it being a pain if contact is arranged direct between parent and child, but in the long run they are the one who needs to learn how to manage a relationship with a difficult parent. So supporting them to do this may be better than trying to do it for them. It's harder to shield them from rejection though, but if that's how she communicates you don't have a lot of choice.