Struggling to communicate with ss

[Rockchic7]

Hiya just looking for a bit of advice on how to deal with a shy/socially awkward stepson.

Sorry long one ☹️.
I moved in with my bf approx 18 months ago and say 2 weeks later my bf eldest son came to live with us as he had come back from uni and didn’t want to move in with his mom, I’d met him before on a number of occasions so knew how shy he was, that he didn’t speak much and would rarely look you in eye when talking to you.
I felt that over time once we got to know each other things would hopefully improve but sadly not, there’s been a very slight improvement but on the whole it’s still the same apart from now he will look at you when he does speak.

He has been working part time for approx a year which I think has really helped him come out of his shell a bit but we’re still pretty much at just exchanging pleasantries.

He’s not a bad lad in any way and I think the only thing we’ve clashed on is the fact he can be extremely lazy when it comes cleaning up after himself as he constantly leaves food, plates & cups all over the place.

I’m not expecting things to turn round over night and us be hugging but Id just like to improve things for both of us and for things feel more natural and not so forced.

My bf does have 2 other sons, one unfortunately he doesn’t see anymore and a 9 year old who stays with us every other weekend. The 9 year old was very understandably shy at the start and took a long time for him to feel comfortable around someone new but we get on great now and he really enjoys the weekends he stays with us.

Just to make things more awkward is the eldest now has a girlfriend (initially extremely happy for him) before we met her he did say she was extremely shy which OMG is the understatement of the year. I can see why they get on as they are both shy but she unfortunately comes across at times as very rude and I’m finding it quite hard to bite my tongue.

She’s been stopping at our house 3 nights a week (don’t have a problem with that) for id say approx 4 months, they will come in latish at night and will stay till late afternoon say 4 or 5 the next and she only comes out of his room to go to the toilet or to leave, if she can get away with it she won’t speak to us on her way in or out of the house. On the odd occasion (3 times) she has come into the living room she pretty much stood there/sat there and barely spoke or only said one word answers when we speak to her, the encounters are so painful I wish the sofa would just swallow me up.

My bf finds her extremely hard work but I think he’s so glad his sons found a girlfriend he ignores the fact she makes no effort to speak to us. Before you condemn me as being uncaring and not understanding her shyness,I really do understand but on a few occasions not only has she not spoken to me but has completely blanked me which shyness or not it extremely rude.

Last nite they came in and surprisingly sat in the living room, I walked in all pleasant and said hiya to which they both completely blanked me. To say I was fuming was an understatement, I sat down and didn’t really say anything else and then to my horror when they left the room my bf had a go at me saying I’d made them feel uncomfortable for not talking despite the fact they’d bloody ignored me.

I really don’t want any us feeling uncomfortable but I’m not sure how to make things better.

Has anybody had a similar experience that can offer some helpful advice.

Crikey. I don’t know what to suggest. You sound like you’ve been patient, I guess the bottom line is whether you and your BF can agree on what to expect from dss and his gf? I would find it hard not being able to have reasonable expectations about civility and boundaries in my home.

To be honest me and my bf had a massive row about it last night. I think my bf desperately wants his son to be happy so begrudgingly ignores her behaviour.
I did speak to him last night about how awkward I feel around his eldest son in general and he admitted he’s hard work but didn’t realise how awkward I felt.
He’s not ignoring the problem now but we’re really not sure how to handle it. As he’s sons very shy/awkward the last thing we want to do it make the situation worse.

My boyfriend feels like I should be the adult and overlook his girlfriends behaviour, I find it very hard though and I find her attitude disrespectful. For instance she’s come here tonight and gone straight to his room without saying hello and they have just left to go and get some of her stuff so presume she’s stopping the night, he came in the room to say we will be back in a bit and she has just stood in the hall and not come in or said hello. It’s just so rude, no matter how shy I just couldn’t be so ignorant to people as she is.

Really not sure how to tackle this.

But overlooking the behaviour (as your BF suggests) infantilises these young adults, surely a better way is to teach/expect dss to use social skills to get along with others they are living with. Because this sounds like more of a ‘house share’ than a family.

My dd is nearly 17 and her BF is petrified of me due to extreme shyness (disclaimer - I am very not scary and enjoy interacting with my kids friends). He doesn’t eat anything we eat (dd says he only eats fried chicken - I’ve cooked it for him once but it was still more than he could cope with ). Over the past 18 months I’ve been asked repeatedly when he can start staying over. My answer to dd is: ‘when he has enough social skills to hold a short conversation and stay for dinner’. I do not expect to host people in my home who will barely look at me. Hence he hasn’t stayed over. And that’s my own dd! I don’t think having these expectations in the home is too much to ask.

My eldest stepson's GF is like this and I agree it's painful. She's also extremely fussy when it comes to food and on the occasions she's been for lunch we have gone out of our way to make something that she likes and we've never had a thankyou or a goodbye when she leaves the house. I can see why you would be frustrated when she's staying at your house so much.

I would be having a conversation around basic manners - at the end of the day these kids will not survive in the real world with no social skills. My husband had the very same conversation with DSS and guess what, she doesn't come round any more which is a shame (but they are both at Uni so opportunities fewer), but I couldn't let it ride like this - you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

This is what I said to my bf, he’s like ah their just kids and I’m like no they are young adults he’s 23 and she’s 20. My ss is not allowed to spend the night at her house so you’d think they’d appreciate the fact they can spend so much time at ours but I really don’t think they do. It’s a very different situation when his friends come round as we have a good laugh with them and he seems to really come out of his shell which is great to see, I don’t think he really spends any time with them at the minute as he’s all loved up but I’m sure this will change.
It especially grates on me as he lives here rent free and doesn’t contribute anything to the house, I know he works part time and the money’s not great but he can get something like £50 in a day just on tips so he’s by no means poor and in the 18months I’ve lived here the only thing he’s bought for the house was a single bottle of milk. I have raised this issue tactfully with my bf and he’s of the opinion as he’s still part time uni he won’t ask him for rent but as soon as he has a full time job he has to start contributing, as it’s my bf house It is ultimately his decision.

It’s all a bit awkward.

I agree with you @rockchic7 and I feel your pain. I will seriously struggle if my stepson wants to live with us after Uni - I have struggled during the holidays tbh. Another adult living in the house who does nothing to contribute or help out. Have bit my tongue for Christmas and have to admit that I'm glad he's back at Uni today. It's difficult for you as it's your BF's house but it's still your home, and you shouldn't be uncomfortable in it.

It really is just a complete lack of manners and respect.

I don't really know what to suggest but I would say I wouldn't put it all on the GF- most people in her position would follow their bfs lead on how to act in their parents house and if he rushed her upstairs without speaking to you then she will probably take that as how she is expected to act. I would probably do the same and follow his lead.

Other than that, why doesn't your partner just have a semi casual conversation with him, and tell him that you both feel a bit strange and uncomfortable having them in the house all the time but never interacting with them, so why doesn't he spend a bit more time downstairs with her so you can both get to know who is staying in your house. If he phrases it right, your step son might get the picture that you two aren't comfortable with it without any confrontation needed.

No it’s not all her fault at all and my ss is definitely not helping the situation but the fact when she is in our company she makes no real effort is down to her, we have been nothing but pleasant to her and we don’t push too hard because she clearly has some issues dealing with people. Example I was in our bedroom the other day when I heard my bf come up the stairs, my ss bedroom door must have been open and she was in there and I heard my him say hello to her then silence and then had to say hello to her again to get her to acknowledge him, it’s just so bloody rude.
My bf seems to be able to brush it off a lot easier than me and that’s why he hasn’t spoke to his son about it.

He moved in two weeks after you started living together, he doesn't pay rent and he is 23? Sorry but I would be insisting he pays his way and also ensuring as a baseline he is bloody polite. I am assuming he didn't live with your BF growing up and given his history with one of his DS who he doesn't see I would hazard a guess he wasn't fantastic with his eldest. Time to stop the Disney dad parenting his DS is an adult and I wouldn't stay with someone who openly disrespected me in my own home and accused me of making his DS uncomfortable. His priorities are all wrong

My bf split from his wife when his 2 eldest sons were probably around 10 and 8, and they lived with her but spent weekends etc with their dad. The younger of the two sons is absolutely vile, his attitude stinks he treats people like dirt then expects world from them, he dropped out of college and has only worked for a couple of months in the last couple of years and is clearly making no effort to get a job and just sits on the internet all day. He only used to come to my bf house to use the internet and used to leave the house in a mess then just go back to his moms, my bf really tried to put rules in place etc but he really was awful and one day my bf came home to find his son had come to his house while he was at work and taken all his stuff from his bedroom with the help of his mom (bf was livid his ex had been in his house without his permission) and they have not spoken since.
The eldest son is the absolute opposite to his brother just have the main issue of the lack of communication through shyness, I don’t think he would intentionally want to upset anybody he is just a bit clueless socially.

To be fair to my bf after we had a row the other night he did say he hadn’t heard me say hello to them when I came in the room so just thought I was being arsy with them. We’ve cleared the air and he knows something has to change.

Hi, I’m a father of 4 children all under 12, my ex and I have a verbal arrangement where I see my children 4 days a week (working around school and work commitments) she refuses to sign anything, she’s been in hospital for nearly 2 weeks and I’ve offered to take the children so she can get better! She’s claiming she’s a victim of domestic abuse, which isn’t true! She’s severely depressed, suicidal, emotionally abusive to my children (they can’t say my name or the get told off) and have struck two of my children in anger! I’m reluctant to go social services, as have no experience dealing with them and I’m scared of what might happen, I.e lose visitation and time with my children, she cannot cope with the children as I’ve said previously she’s in hospital, n there’s been occasions where she hasn’t been able to get out of bed n I’ve had to go round to collect the children, there was another occasion where she couldn’t open a jar of hot dogs for the children’s tea! She’s a good mother and I’m sure she loves them, however, I’m worried that she’s not giving them the care they need, she hardly sees them due to work and I asked her many times about me having the children and her having access, the last 3-4 years I’ve had the kids everyday, our bond is unbreakable, however, there is a toxic person who entered my ex’s life and I fear that she’ll manipulate my children, as she’s manipuled my ex into leaving me, any advice would be appreciated ! Many thanks

Hi @Rich9191 you need to start your own thread. Preferably in relationships for advice. Your situation sounds complicated but you should get good advice, but you won't in someone else's thread