Struggling with his ex and I’m pregnant

[NoraAt]

Apologies this could be a long one and I’m new to all this but just really struggling at the moment.

I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for a year and a half. I knew I was taking on his two sons (6 and 8) but I wasn’t prepared for the problems his ex was going to cause. I am now 3 months pregnant but I’m struggling more than ever.

Both boys were initially fine with me, they seemed to have already accepted the situation, that a few months ago mum and dad had got divorced. (They don’t know mum kicked dad out after she had been cheating with a friend or two of his for the last few years). I started to spend more time with them and we were all very settled. The boys are with their dad roughly 50% of the time, except for one day extra so she can claim whatever money it is and maintenance from him... all dates were done on their own agreement.

I moved in with them at his rented house which was just a stop gap. No one liked the house and so when my house was finally liveable we all moved in there. The boys were really excited to move in, have their own rooms and we’ve tried our best to make it their home. Their mother had always messed us about with days but until this point it seemed we were at least in a routine which suited the boys.
Since moving in the boys now say they don’t want to come whenever their dad goes to collect them (they never mention it again once settled here). They both now have new iPhones on contracts meaning their mum sends them texts a lot and they get homesick or think they’re missing out on something. The first 24hrs we have them is a nightmare. They’re rude to me and can get really angry, I’m generally very calm with them but as reality has started to sink in of our new arrival getting wrapped up in all of this I’m finding it harder to be patient. They have often arrived saying ‘mum said dad took all her money’ etc. Over Christmas and new year she has been particularly controlling about time spent with the boys and when we can have them giving little to no notice of any changes.
I decided enough was enough and he needed something set in stone before our baby arrives in July, and so he has started the process of going through solicitors/mediation for fixed dates and set 50/50. This is the one piece of hope in clinging onto but nothing seems to progress.
Just to complicate matters his own mum (grandma) is firmly on the side of his ex, they work together and the only time she comes around to see us she shit stirs and tries to create problems.
It just seems like I’m ranting now but I just wanted to know if anyone else had been in this sort of position or had any suggestions one how to deal with this. This evening he has spent most of his evening glued to his phone arguing with her via text about the fact she’s not let him have the boys on his days this week and god knows what else. I’ve since tried to explain to him how all this makes me feel but just got upset and now he’s saying I’m getting worked up over nothing...
I just don’t know what to do...

Ps neither ex, grandma or children know about the pregnancy yet so I also have that hurdle to cross!

Honestly I think alot of the step parent experience has alot to do with what type of ex your partner has. Your partners ex sounds like she is using the children to get back at him. This is really unfair on the children and will effect their behaviour. I think what you are doing in regards to court is correct but the ex does sound unhinged and unfortunately her children will have the loyalty towards her and may feel the need to stick up for her with the things she says to them such as 'Dad taking her money'. They will automatically believe her because she's their mum. I agree with pp that this sounds like a case of parental alienation.
Its really unfair on the children for her to not stick to contact arrangements and saying stuff to them.
Sorry op but I do think you have rushed this a bit for the kids also being 3 months pregnant already. But not alot you can do about this now. There are an awful lot of adjustments these kids are going through right now and you need to be mindful of that. With that and having their mother behave the way she is it must be very difficult for them.
In my experience a step parents relationship with the children is helped/made worse by what type of ex your partner has, in this case prepare for a bumpy ride. It sounds like all the words of wisdom in the world of steps you can take can't solve it all because of how she is behaving. You can't reason with people who are unreasonable unfortunately.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. As a step parent to a 5 and 7 year old I can totally empathise with the challenges it brings, although we have a great relationship with their mum and we have set 50/50 days which makes it really manageable despite having a baby too!

I would say having set days would be really helpful, not only for you but most importantly for the boys. They need boundaries and consistency for their emotional well being which it sounds like their struggling.

I think it's about accepting what you can't change/control (the exes behaviour) and working on what you can, eg your responses and parenting of the boys. My advice would be to work hard at communicating with the boys, talking to them about their feelings, making room for feelings talk (but not forcing it!) and letting them know it's ok to feel upset and angry, whilst talking about what might help them with that.

It's important that you are calm and containing so that they feel safe and secure and at home at your house so that if the ex continues to be difficult (which maybe she won't with the passage of time) things feel more stable/resilient at yours.

Good luck and congratulations on your baby! Involve the boys as much as you can! X

OP please ignore all the awful criticism and blaming posts here. There are many women who will demonize stepmothers instead of trying to help someone in a very difficult situation.

The one thing that stands out for me is that you aren't getting the support from your partner that you need. They need to be working with the boys to help them come to terms with the situation and also support you. They can't leave you in the lurch here, you will just become a victim of the children' behaviour. You are commitment for him now and he needs to treat you as such.
Good luck and best wishes

Why on earth do you want to be in this relationship? You have made your life and your baby when she’s born so complicated. The boys will always have to be taken into consideration, it will never be just about you and your baby. I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to be in this situation. You would be better off on your own.