Struggling with his ex and I’m pregnant

[NoraAt]

Apologies this could be a long one and I’m new to all this but just really struggling at the moment.

I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for a year and a half. I knew I was taking on his two sons (6 and 8) but I wasn’t prepared for the problems his ex was going to cause. I am now 3 months pregnant but I’m struggling more than ever.

Both boys were initially fine with me, they seemed to have already accepted the situation, that a few months ago mum and dad had got divorced. (They don’t know mum kicked dad out after she had been cheating with a friend or two of his for the last few years). I started to spend more time with them and we were all very settled. The boys are with their dad roughly 50% of the time, except for one day extra so she can claim whatever money it is and maintenance from him... all dates were done on their own agreement.

I moved in with them at his rented house which was just a stop gap. No one liked the house and so when my house was finally liveable we all moved in there. The boys were really excited to move in, have their own rooms and we’ve tried our best to make it their home. Their mother had always messed us about with days but until this point it seemed we were at least in a routine which suited the boys.
Since moving in the boys now say they don’t want to come whenever their dad goes to collect them (they never mention it again once settled here). They both now have new iPhones on contracts meaning their mum sends them texts a lot and they get homesick or think they’re missing out on something. The first 24hrs we have them is a nightmare. They’re rude to me and can get really angry, I’m generally very calm with them but as reality has started to sink in of our new arrival getting wrapped up in all of this I’m finding it harder to be patient. They have often arrived saying ‘mum said dad took all her money’ etc. Over Christmas and new year she has been particularly controlling about time spent with the boys and when we can have them giving little to no notice of any changes.
I decided enough was enough and he needed something set in stone before our baby arrives in July, and so he has started the process of going through solicitors/mediation for fixed dates and set 50/50. This is the one piece of hope in clinging onto but nothing seems to progress.
Just to complicate matters his own mum (grandma) is firmly on the side of his ex, they work together and the only time she comes around to see us she shit stirs and tries to create problems.
It just seems like I’m ranting now but I just wanted to know if anyone else had been in this sort of position or had any suggestions one how to deal with this. This evening he has spent most of his evening glued to his phone arguing with her via text about the fact she’s not let him have the boys on his days this week and god knows what else. I’ve since tried to explain to him how all this makes me feel but just got upset and now he’s saying I’m getting worked up over nothing...
I just don’t know what to do...

Ps neither ex, grandma or children know about the pregnancy yet so I also have that hurdle to cross!

They don’t know mum kicked dad out after she had been cheating with a friend or two of his for the last few years

They’re 8 and 6. Why should they know? Do you think them knowing would make them love their mum less and their dad more? Because that would be a very dangerous road to go down.

Get the boys to put their phones to one side when they arrive and/or have a simple ‘off until bedtime when you call your mum’ rule and that will knock that problem on the head. She might kick off initially but the courts won’t tolerate her constantly butting into dad’s time with his children.

What is it that is making the children angry? Can you give examples?

I would suggest your partner simply also turns off his phone and puts all communication through his solicitor. However, that will be expensive but at least in the short term, will help to calm things down.

@Sotiredofthislife
No sorry I didn’t mean I was thinking of telling them it was purely context of the situation.

They become reactive to anything in the first 24hrs. Asking them to put some shoes on to go out, making dinner for them, asking them how school was etc. The 8 year old gets angry and tantrums (which is awful in a public place but at least you know where you stand), the 6 year old ignores you and just blanks you as though you’re not there.
Since the phones arrived we’ve had a rule that they go away before bed time (sometimes causes tantrums) and if they’re naughty they get taken off them. They’re obsessive over needing to text mum before bed time which again causes more issues and we have no access to the phones so we don’t know what they’re actually doing on them (the passcode has been changed on a weekly basis).

Tbh you only been together 18months you've moved the boys into your home, their parents divorced has only just come through and you're 3 months pregnant. Is it any surprise the boys are reacting? Look at it from their POV they gone from parents living together to dads place to gfs place in short space of time to a new sibling arriving in july. I would also take what you're bf says about his ex cheating with a pinch of salt tbh, he was quick to move on and demonize his ex. Sounds like he wants a mother figure for his boys op and hes setting you up and the new one.

Well are you dealing with the tantrums and telling them off 18 months ago you were a stranger to them? Parents divorcing is a big thing to kids and they havent had chance to progress this before their df had started a new relationship moved in with new partner and has a baby on the way. The situation hasnt been handled sensitively at all to those children, there lives have been turned upside down.

At 8 and 6 they don't need phones, and I would just take them off them when they arrive and give them back when they leave. Let them call their Mum before bedtime if it helps. If they're reactive I would also remove other screen time and see if you can get them playing in the garden, board games or just reading. Their lives have been and will be, going through a lot of change so love, consistency and boundaries will make it easier for them.

Things moved to fast and you've become involved much too quickly in the dynamics of their arrangement. The kids are confused with a shift of power from their dad to you seeming to be making all the decisions that impact on them.

Their mum is probably fed up with having to deal with you ruling the roost and how it affects the kids. They are probably picking up on how mum is feeling. Grandma agrees.

Please Can I just point out I let their dad do the parenting. I’m just there. They were very happy to move into my house and it’s only weeks later that they’re playing up. Constructive comment and rather than criticism would be appreciated, I only asked as I have no one to turn to who can appreciate the situation. Now just feel like I’m being judged!

I am sorry you're going through this difficult time OP. Please ignore anyone who pikes in on you attacking you for no reason and supports the mum for no good reason.
I would agree that everything moved too early . Hope things get easier. Definitely the parents who need to grow up rather than the kids...

Mine are 10 years used to it but there can be issues when moving between houses. What needs to be considered is whether they are ready for 50/50. There are lots of pros and cons and it is notbthe right option for every child.

Kids dont understand the permanent of moving into you're house op. They are still getting their heads around their parents divorce hence them acting out.

I decided enough was enough and he needed something set in stone before our baby arrives in July, and so he has started the process of going through solicitors/mediation for fixed dates and set 50/50

This sounds a lot more than you just being 'there'. Sounds like you are not happy with him paying any maintenance and pushing for a 50/50.

It's not about being judgemental but taking things so quickly is almost always going to result in conflict because the speed at which events have taken place have clearly suited you, but that doesn't mean they would have suited the kids. It's a lot for them to adjust in a very short time. Grandma is probably frustrated because she things her DS hasn't taken the time to consider how everything would affect the boys.

Constructive advice would be to take a step back. They are there with you and lot of the time, so it's understandable you would consider that everything is about 'we' rather than just your oh doing, but it is just much too quick for the kids to adjust to that.

I personally think that going through court to push for 50/50 without considering the impact this would have on mum and inevitably on the boys by proxi, only a few months after divorcing and them moving with you was a poor decision in timing and gives the message that you are controlling things for the sole purpose of reducing maintenance so that you can have more money.

Also by going for 50/50 you're dp will setting you up to take responsibility for the boys getting them to school and back just tin time for you're maternity leave.

50/50 is what he wants. Nothing to do with me.
I want something set to stop her screwing us around with the days.
I don’t collect them from school or drop them off and don’t look after them.

I guarantee it will be expected of you once you're on mat leave op.

ok, but the wording in your OP indicated that it was you who had enough and wanted the 50/50 so although it might be something he wants, it comes across as he is going for it now because of you motivating/encouraging/pushing him to do so.

At least that's very much as his ex and your MIL will see it, if only because of the timing. When you announce that you are pregnant, this will only give them ammunition to consolidate their belief. That's why it would have been much better to focus on the arrival of your baby first, and then decide whether 50/50 was indeed the best thing to do for.

Things will change a lot when baby is here and you might find that actually, not only you'd be happier without 50/50 but actually wish your stepsons only eow.

Rightly or wrongly, they had a way of dealing with residency that suited them all, and now this has to be changed because of your OH moving in with you, which implicate that it is you who benefits from this formal arrangement. It was inevitable that it would come to this, but again, it's the speed by which everything has happened that makes other involved not happy about it.

Funnily enough I’ve never pushed for them to be with us more.

The mothers new partner moved in the week after she kicked dad out but hey ho...

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. You have taken on alot and accepted alot. You have welcomed his children and it sounds like mum maybe maybe making it difficult.

How do you and your partner communicate and set boundaries? I know you say they have their own rooms but try and understand from the kids veiw that they have 2 homes making their emotions and feelings conflicting. It's a very confusing time,! Although children are very good at ajusting, they problem comes when there is a block ie mum dad not getting, not feeling they are well, sensing something is wrong and nobody communicating with them etc.

Also, why have they got phones? They are very young to have such a massive responsibility!

Nora, one of the biggest mistakes you can make - for yourself, the children, and ultimately your relationship - is harbour some kind of tit for tat, everything must be equal, if mum does it, so can we approach to managing the children. They are little and showing signs of distress. Your partner can be the parent who insists on his rights or who puts them first. Either way, they’ll remember what both their parents did and didn’t do.

He may want 50/50. What do the children want? Or more importantly, what do they need?

Are you sure you can cope with having them 50/50, if they're already acting up and saying they want to go home as it is? Bearing in mind you will be dealing with the fall out at the time you are supposed to be focusing on your own new baby.

It sounds like you're just going along with what your partner wants, and he is dismissing your feelings and telling you you are getting upset over nothing. In my opinion, dealing with his kids that are antagonistic for 50% of your life is not "nothing" and if he doesn't see that then that is quite worrying for the future. He should be showing his gratitude for what you are having to be putting up with.

If you go along with it and end up with 50/50 access that carries on the way things are now, then it could end up consuming the early years of your child's life and making you miserable. You should be honest with yourself about whether that's something you could cope with in your life, and be honest with your partner too. I would want things to be a lot better at home to go for this, though I do appreciate the necessity to have a more formal plan.

I don't have much useful advice really but am in a very similar situation down to the parental alienation and PIL choosing to support the mother who was doing that instead, and it has culminated in a recent decision to see SS less for his own sake and everyone elses. That sort of thing really can completely ruin your relationship with the child.

They don't need phones at that age. I'd have them put them away and text her before bedtime. That's just crazy.

When I see posts like yours, I just think...is it really worth it. If you don't have a partner who can stand up to this nonsense...this will be your life as long as you're with him.

I could have written this post, with a few detail and timeline changes so I know how tough the situation is.
It took DH a year to get a contact agreement legally finalised, and that was with ex mostly co operating. (She would be fuming to know that the eventual refund from lawyers for payments made but not invoiceable actually paid for my engagement ring )
It’s not really worth it as she still makes things up as and when it suits her but she needs him for childcare so mostly plays ball. I think she just wanted proof that he cared enough to go to the trouble IYSWIM.
MIL used to live in ex back pocket, which ex used to rub DH face in. She coincidentally changed her tune when I got pregnant with DS, it was quite remarkable
I tend to do the same as you and let DH get on with parenting and all the work, I’m just here to play games and produce bottles of bubbles and tubes of glitter glue as appropriate etc. I’ve take the position of not my circus, not my monkeys. What ex does or doesn’t do doesn’t get to affect me, my life or my DS any more than necessary. Of course there is no way to avoid it entirely.
I would suggest to DH to try to wean them off the phones a bit though. Not take them away and say they’re not allowed to talk to mum, just if they were accidentally left in the kitchen overnight with an app open and drained of charge that would be a shame wouldn’t it? I don’t think it’s healthy for mum to loom too large over dads time with them. They need a bit of head space to bond with him.
Finally, enjoy your pregnancy and your baby. Don’t allow yourself to get too swept away with the drama and ruin this special time for you

There is a lot going on here OP. Lots. The children are young, there is a lot of change going on and I hate to say it but the news that you are pregnant could make this all more challenging.

It also sounds as though the EXW is not supportive of the new set up and that’s showing up in the children’s behaviour and the giving of the phones. 6 and 8 is far too young for phones and their father not having access to them is completely unacceptable.

There are a few things I would do

1. your DP needs to Continue to get things cast in stone and given the pregnancy he needs to move this along. Mediation as he is doing is great but if she’s stalling at some point he can apply straight to court with the mediators permission stating mediation has not worked.
2. he need access to the children’s phones. Either the ex gives this to him or the phones are removed when they arrive and given back when they go. Do they have access to their own devices at yours? I categorically would not allow this. My children are much older and both of us have the passcodes to their devices.
3. go to counselling with your partner. This will get increasingly harder for you to stomach. It’s your house and these children are being rude to you in your home? The same thing happened to me and it’s why to this day I don’t live with my partner. It’s not behaviour I am prepared to live with in my home but nor can I stop whatever is being said to his children that are making them act this way. Look up loyalty bonds, it’s what is happening with these children. It takes an intense amount of empathy and emotional capacity to support children through it. And rise above it.

Ffs this forum is utterly ridiculous at times. The ExW is contributing to parental alienation, a form of child abuse that if left unchecked can have serious detrimental psychological effects on the children, but she'd be better to 'take a step back'
Honestly, I despair at times.
OP, look up parental alienation. The children do not deserve to be put in this position. It will no doubt be because you are pregnant that she is acting out now. Do not let this go unchecked, for the step kids sake.

Hi OP- just a word of support as you’re getting a lot of stick.

I agree you need to get a court order so everyone knows where you stand- and also so there doesn’t need to be so much contact between your DP and his ex- less contact means less conflict.

I also second the advice to take their phones off them, even if they kick off to begin with they’ll get over it, and it sounds like it will make them less anxious about being in contact with their mum.

Lastly, I’m afraid a lot of this just needs time. If it’s clear to them that your DP is still the one doing the bulk of the parenting and you’re both consistent with them, things will settle. It might be bumpy for a while, but it will improve. Hang in there!

They've all moved into your house?

Do not put this man on the deeds and mortgage as you need to protect your baby and yourself.