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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements

20 replies

Smt1232 · 01/01/2020 19:14

My partner has two little boys 7 and 9. I have met them and get on with them well. We have been together a year and a half but I don’t stay over when they do as they all stay in the same bed and I find this uncomfortable.

My partner has asked me to move in with him which would include me selling my flat to pay towards bills. I would absolutely love to do this but I would not be ok with the boys sleeping in with us the 3 nights a week they are over. I have spoke with my partner and he says he will try to get them to stay in there own rooms but he hasn’t until now.
What would you suggest I do here ?

OP posts:

Hanab · 01/01/2020 19:17

Do not sell your flat! You can rent it instead if you decide to move in together ..
do not even think of moving in till the kids are settled in their own rooms & beds ..

Whats the rush of moving in?

Rollonspringtime2020 · 01/01/2020 19:17

I would be worrying more about finances than sleeping arrangements...
How has he suggested splitting bills etc?

NorthernSpirit · 01/01/2020 19:18

The boys are 7 & 9 and shouldn’t be sleeping with dad. He needs to parent them.

I met my DSC when they were 7 & 10. It never ever arose that they wanted to share a bed.

turkeyontheplate · 01/01/2020 19:19

The problem here isn't them sleeping together, or you feeling uncomfortable doing that - those are both perfectly reasonable positions. The problem is that he is telling you one thing and doing another, probably hoping the problem will just resolve itself once you've moved in. It won't. You need to sit him down and have a brutally frank conversation - you won't be moving in until the boys are sleeping in their own rooms. If he doesn't want that to happen yet - and I don't think there is anything wrong with him if he doesn't, or if he prefers to be guided by the children on this - then he needs to say so, and postpone the moving in together. Not fob you off in the hope that you'll just move your boundaries when pushed to it.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2020 19:19

I wouldn't be selling the flat, and I wouldn't be moving in until the sleeping situation is totally resolved. Why don't you stay overnight and see what happens? How do you feel about his parenting skills in general? Dating him is one thing, but moving in and having 2 children in your life half of every week is quite another. You need to be as sure as possible that you can handle this.

SandyY2K · 01/01/2020 19:47

Maintain your independent living for now. It sounds a bit like he wants you for financial support.

I would tell him that you won't even consider selling up, until you see that they sleep alone.

I'm not sure how well you know the boys, but also see how you feel spending overnights with them and see how much parenting he does when you're there. He may expect a lot more when you move in.

The more you're around them, the more you can see how he parents and if it's compatible with your own ways.

Do not rush to sell.

lunar1 · 01/01/2020 20:45

Let him completely sort the sleeping arrangements out, and make sure when he's done that it's been a good 6-12 months of them being in their own beds.

Don't let him put you in the wicked step mum role where you are blamed for things changing.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 01/01/2020 22:02

There's absolutely no way I would move in under those circumstances - he needs to sort it out before you can consider it. I also wouldn't sell your flat if you can afford to keep it. Step parenting is hard and you need to know whether it's for you before you make things permanent. Take it from someone who has been there.

SimonJT · 02/01/2020 14:36

Going from no overnights with the children to moving in would be weird. What’s stopping you from sleeping in a different room when the boys are there?

My boyfriend stays over once a week, my son largely sleeps with me. Until around May he only slept in my bed, since then he has been going to sleep in his own bed and getting into mine in the early hours when he wakes up. He knows that doesn’t change just because my boyfriend is here, he gets in bed with me and my boyfriend gets out and sleeps on the sofa.

Original poster

Smt1232 · 02/01/2020 18:48

Thank you for the advice all I will trial staying more and wait until it actually happens.
The bills aren’t really an issue, it was my suggestion to split things if I live there. I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t, as we both earn a similar wage.

I don’t really like the idea of having to sleep in his child’s room so they can stay in my room. I don’t mind when it’s his house but when in splitting bills and staying there full time I feel it gives the wrong impression to the children.

I’m just conscious of being the person who pushed them out of bed so I guess I’ll just wait until it’s routine before I stay.

OP posts:

Rollonspringtime2020 · 02/01/2020 18:58

I hope you didn't plan on offering to pay bills 50/50?

Elieza · 02/01/2020 19:25

The children have to be with just him when he insists they stay in their own room otherwise you will be the bad one whose fault it is that they have to sleep away from dad in their own room and they will resent you.

I wouldn’t go anywhere near that issue with a barge pole until he has it resolved.

HeckyPeck · 02/01/2020 20:25

My partner has asked me to move in with him which would include me selling my flat to pay towards bills.

Don’t do this OP! You’ll lose all your investment paying bills.

Why would you have to sell your flat?

GingerRH · 02/01/2020 20:26

My mum and dad split up when I was 11. I was an only child. I slept in my mums bed quite often - I felt more secure in there than alone with no male in the house.

I know his children are boys but maybe they just miss their dad.

I was quite happy to move out and sleep in my own bed when my DSD arrived on the scene.

Just to give you some perspective.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 02/01/2020 20:31

I don’t get why people are so horrified by this.

The dc have been through a trauma, they are both very young and sleeping with a parent is quite common.

My dd would have slept with me all the time if I’d let her! She’s 13 now and those days are past, but l don’t see this as a huge thing. He’s prioritising his dc. They might not like being pushed out

BlouseAndSkirt · 02/01/2020 21:42

Definitely do not sell your flat.
You will be losing your investment to contribute to someone else’s.
Property is your security.
Rent it out.

helpmum2003 · 02/01/2020 21:46

Don't sell your flat. You need the financial security. Agree with PPs that the boys are not ready for you to move in.

BlokeHereInPeace · 02/01/2020 23:09

Don't sell your flat.

PPopsicle · 02/01/2020 23:12

As if you would even consider selling your flat having only been with him 1.5 years. Madness. Sheer and utter madness

sassbott · 02/01/2020 23:37

Stay well away from this set up and retain your own property. Your partner needs to decide how he wishes to parent. If he wants to co-sleep with his children, that’s his choice. I agree with you, I (as a partner) would not feel comfortable with this set up at all.

What I would say is tell your partner why you won’t take this step. And leave it with him to decide how he handles it. If he does nothing, don’t move on. If he understands your point, then let him transition his children into their beds and you stay well away. Do not let them associate being put in their own beds with you. That will only lead to resentment from the get go.

Under no circumstances sell your flat until you have lived with them for at least a year. It’s a lot of adjustment for everyone and it may not work.

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